11 // Bonding

                                    

                                          
I woke up happy about my night with Jayden but also wishing this day would already be over, this day is gonna be hell this day has been the day I've been dreading for the day I wasn't looking for to and the day I wanted to never happen.. my daughter first birthday, she would probably already be walking by now she probably could say a couple words by now and the sad part she wouldn't even know who I am.. I wish I could of just sleep for the whole day and pretend that it never existed but unfortunately life doesn't work like that. 
                          
I couldn't even get out of the bed this morning for school or to even have a shower I was trying to get on with my day and to try and stay busy but it was like my body was stuck to the bed and I couldn't move I was just staring upto the roof thinking about what my little girl was doing on her special day and just wishing that I could celebrate with her until I hear a knock on the door 
"Come in" I yell 
"Get up school is in half an hour" Mel says while crossing her arms
"I'm not going" I say still looking up to the roof 
"And why's that missy" 
I took a deep breathe and said "it's my daughters birthday" 
I knew she needed to know the truth 
She took a deep breath and came and sat on the bed next to me pulling me in to a big hug "we will find them tay" she whispered while still hugging me 
"I hope so" I said while letting the tears fall. 
                          
I wanted to be a better parent than mine were, I wanted to be there for every milestone my little girl had but I wasn't.. I wanted to be there for her first words for her first baths for her first steps and I just wanted to be there to love her but I failed at that I failed at a lot of things but my biggest fail ever was not being able to be there for my sweet little girl, I hated myself for it I blamed myself I blamed my parents I blamed the system and I blamed whoever had my daughter. I just wanted her in my arms today was her first birthday and I couldn't even give her something I couldn't celebrate her day I couldn't wish her a happy birthday and I couldn't see how excited or happy she was and that ruined me, I'm just greatful that Mel allowed me to have a day off. 
                          
My door just barged open pulling me out of my thoughts, I was confused because usually people knock in this house 
"Get up get ready were going out" Mel said while crossing her arms 
"Can we not?" I reply back 
"No that's not the attitude I'm looking for I know it's a hard day for you and I don't blame you for wanting to lay in bed all day but I want to take your mind off things for just a little while, I know how you must be feeling and it's not a nice feeling so let me do this for you and don't be stubborn about it"  
"Fine" I say back while getting out of bed 
"I'll be down in a minute" I say as she shuts the door behind her
I know she was right and laying in bed all day wasn't healthy for my mental health right now but that's what I wanted to do I just wanted to pretend this day didn't exist for one moment but I did what she wanted me to do anyways, I had a warm shower I tried to make it quick so Mel didn't have to wait that long but I'm pretty sure I failed at that, showers relax me especially hot ones they make me forget for abit or they make me think about a lot of things, after my shower I chucked on white shirt shorts and a black hoodie and made my way downstairs to where Mel was 
                          
The car ride was quiet and I honestly didn't feel like being out at all, Mel tried to cheer me up and tried talking to me but once she noticed I wasn't in a talkative mood she just played the music, I honestly didn't even care where we were going and that's not like me at all, the car came to a stop and I realise we were at the mall 
"Why are we here Mel" I said while rolling my eyes
"Because shopping always cheers us up, it's on the house" Mel said while giving me a smile
Why was she doing this for me? She was acting so sweet yet I just felt like a burden ever since I got here I hated her buying stuff for me because she hardly even knows me but I just went with the flow, it was actually pretty nice to hust hang out with Mel I got to know her a little more, we went into a few shops and I brought a new outfit from each shop we went into, I brought dresses jeans shorts skirt and a lot of shirts and a jumper, she was right it did make me feel better and she didn't care that she was spending her money on me, I even brought a new pair of shoes because I sure as hell need a new pair, Mel even brought herself a few new outfits, we had a really nice bonding time and I just realised how nice and amazing she actually was, she was helping me a lot, she was helping me with finding my family and she was helping me get my mind off things.. no one has ever done that for me before and I wasn't used to it at all but I can say it actually felt kinda nice.
                          
We got home just after school finished and grace was depending me to do a fashion for for her so I agreed, we both walked up to graces room and I tried on all the outfits I got including my new shoes and honestly I was inlove with them all, I never got clothes I loved as much as I loved these ones and grace loved them too she told me if they go missing don't come to her, after I showed her the outfits we decided to just chill out in her room and listening to music, it was kinda nice to just chill out with another female around my age that wasn't bitchy and stuck up, we spoke and got to know each other more she was becoming more of a sister figure towards me which just made me feel guilty with what was going on between Jayden and I. 
Grace had no clue what today meant and how hard today was, she didn't know anything about my sister and daughter only Mel and Jayden did but she just knew something was going on and that I wasn't okay today and she didn't push any further to know more she just hung out with me and took my mind off things for the rest of the night and that's what I liked about her. 
                          
Later that night 
While everyone was sleeping and when I was just about to fall asleep I heard a small soft knock on my door I groaned and the door opened 
"Sorry if I woke you up" Jayden said smirking at me
"I know it's a school night and it's late but I wanted to take you to the lake since I couldn't really be there for you today"
"Ugh okay get out so I can get dress" I replied 
I just put a hoodie and track pants on and headed out, the car ride there we were just listening to music and singing along to the lyrics we finally reached the lake and this time we sat up in the treehouse and looked out to the night sky
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you today" Jayden said looking to the ground
"Your making up for it now aren't you" 
"I guess so" he said while giggling 
We stayed there for about an hour just hugging and kissing this was our time alone were we could hust be ourself and finally be close this is what we looked forward to, I wish we could of stayed longer but sadly we couldn't because we had school tomorrow. 
Everyone really showed there true colours today, everyone was there for me when I didn't ask for any of it and even grace who had no idea what was wrong she was still there for me.