Aria's Journal- Entry 3?

                                    

                                          
Authour's Note: Yeah, this is probably the worst thing I've ever written. It's basically just rambling. Meh. 
                          
Dear Mom and Dad,
                          
I'm not even sure what entry I'm on anymore. Isn't it funny how something that small is bothering me, even with everything else going on? 
                          
We ended that case we were working on, with the Shtriga. It had a lair, in the sewers underneath the city. It was keeping the children in cages, and only one had actually died. It was easy to kill. 
                          
I can't escape my own head anymore. When I start thinking, it's like falling down a rabbit hole that never ends. I have my few distractions; Kristina being the best one. I go out and do things with her as much as possible, but Sam has dragged me along on a hunt. We haven't got anything on the Knights, that I just so happened to have raised. I swear, next time I face Abbadon, she isn't going to fool me again. I won't make the same mistake; I'll have my friends help me this time. I can't do this on my own. 
                          
As for the other knights, I guess that they'll have to go the same way. It's going to be a war. A long, brutal, ongoing war. But I'm ready. I'm prepared to die to stop them. I want Kristina to be able to live a happy life. It might not be normal, but as long as she's happy and alive, I'll be content. 
                          
My memories are slowly killing me. I keep remembering things, in dreams or flashbacks, or with Castiel's help. I was brutal, showing no mercy. I did whatever Abbadon said. And I remember Connor, how he cared for me. How he helped me. Memories from the past, too. Whenever I start remembering something, I write it down. That was I can reflect back on it if something changes. 
                          
Phoenix called me from her house the other day. She said that she was worried about me. I brushed her off, as usual, and thankfully Denver had then decided to wake up from his nap. I haven't heard a thing from Raven. She''s been secretive lately. I think she's just grieving. I tried tracking her cell phone, but she must have guessed that I'd do that, because it didn't show up anywhere. 
                          
Sam, Dean and Daniel have spoke to a lot of other hunters to look for information. A lot of them said that they have had disturbances, weather changes and demon disappearances. We've informed everyone we could think of about the situation, leaving out a few unimportant facts. They all know that I have the Mark, and that only the First Blade can kill them. I hope that nobody gets hurt. I've already gotten enough people killed. 
                          
Now, don't worry; I haven't forgotten about you guys. Before I kill Abbadon, I'll find a way to get your location out of her. There's only so much a demon can take, and I've got some new ideas. Killing her will be fun. But I don't know how I'm going to get you back. You guys may be dead, or damaged beyond repair. I don't know if I'd be able to handle you being dead. After Colin...
                          
Speaking of Colin, I don't know if I'm going to be able to face the demon in his body. Same goes for Connor, and the fact that Asmodeous is one of them makes everything worse. That demon knows everything about me, including my weaknesses and strengths, so battle will be nearly impossible. 
                          
I wish you were here to help me. I would say that I would go back in time to correct my mistakes, but then I would have never met Sam and Dean. And I believe that things turned out this way for a reason. Even if that reason is unfair, it was destined to turn out like that. I'm not okay with it; I'll never be okay with the deaths, the pain, or the sadness, but I'm dealing with it, in my own way. And I'm proud of everyone. Of Sam, for staying by my side this long. Of Kristina, for growing up in this awful, Hellish world yet still smiling and laughing. Of Phoenix, Dallas, and Raven, for never giving up on me and risking their own lives to save mine. Of Dean, for accepting me and helping me. Of Connor and Colin, for their bravery. I'm the only weak one. I let people down; that's all I do. I make stupid mistakes and wallow in self-pity. But I'm done with that. I have to be strong, for them. After that, I can go and dig myself a hole to cry in. I can't afford to loose anyone else.