39

                                    

                                          
The room was dark as I changed, the only light there was the one of the mini bar that Harry was scanning as if something was going to magically appear, small talk with him was awkward, so awkward that we just stopped talking, silence was reigning in the room and it wasn't the old comfortable silence we used to love, I just sat there not really knowing what to do or say to him.
                          
"Come here," he pulled me by the waist and wrapped me in a hug, "I need to feel you close," 
                          
"You have no idea of how much I missed you," I whispered, just feeling him close to me made me feel happy, I had never missed someone that much, "Why are things weird between us? I've fantasized about this moment since you left, this is not how things happened in my head,"
                          
"I just don't know how to approach this, I'm nervous," he gave me a weak smile, "I just want everything to be perfect, I don't want to mess up and lose you again," he rested his forehead against mine. 
                          
"I feel like you want to say something, since we got here, but you are just avoiding it," I reached for his hand and interlocked his fingers with mine, "Talk to me, we're not who we used to be, Harry, we both grew while we were apart, talking about our feelings and what we mean is more than okay," he hugged me once again and nodded slowly against my shoulder.
                          
"I told my therapist we came back and he wants me to talk to you about a lot of things," he pulled away from the hug and gave me a weak smile, "He said we won't work out if we don't discuss these things,"
                          
"What things?" I sat on the edge of the bed, he was tense so it worried me a little, maybe he was having second thoughts about us getting back together, that would explain all the awkwardness we had just experienced for half an hour that actually felt like forever.
                          
"Just how I was feeling when I decided to end this, and well, just talk about how we're going to handle distance," he sat on the floor leaning his back on the bed, I slid off the bed and sat next to him. 
                          
"Tell me," I reached for his hand and he nodded taking a deep breath. 
                          
"I did think I could end up cheating," he talked slowly keeping his head down, "That was something that actually scared me, like getting drunk and end up screwing us up... seeing you having a break down in fear that I would... made me confirm all the thoughts that had been haunting me for a while, and even though I was trying to prevent you from getting hurt, the fact that your were doubting hurt me,"
                          
"I never even had the doubt, I just reflected my parents' relationship on us, in my mind a significant other touring ends up with infidelity, I was wrong, I knew you better," It was something I discovered when I was in Malibu, that's why I was scared, my stupid childhood trauma coming to the surface, "I didn't know why I felt that way, but it makes sense now,"
                          
"You're the only person that's ever been able to make me believe there's much more in me than a guy who makes out with different girls every chance he has," he kept his head down, I just wished he trusted me enough to tell me how he felt looking at me in the eye, "That insecurity of yours broke that feeling you gave me, I felt like you were just like everyone else, and I didn't know that at the time either, but my therapist helped me," 
                          
"I'm really sorry, baby, I didn't-" he cut me off with a kiss, those interruptions again, I missed those like crazy. 
                          
"I don't need you to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong, but I needed you to know why I acted that way, we both let our individual trauma and insecurities take over, you knew I wouldn't cheat on you, I knew that too, and I also knew you weren't like everyone else, I just tricked myself into believing that," he said all that looking at me in the eye, he had that sincere look that made me fall in love with him in the first place.