33

                                    

                                          
A/N: Sorry for the spoiler, but I think this is necessary. 
                          
I'll put a (*) when the triggering part starts.
                          
TW: Violence and Abuse

                          
___________________________
                          
The fact that Harry and I were able to talk and get some closure gave me peace, we had something amazing together and we just couldn't end with the fight we had at the coffee shop in front of paparazzi, I left London in peace, but when I came home in Los Angeles I realized it was just bullshit, all that peace I swore I was feeling was fake, I was just fooling myself... 
                          
I was hurting like never before, my heart physically hurt, I hated coming home to an empty bed, I hated to see his beer sitting inside my fridge, it broke my heart to smoke alone, sing alone, walking past the bitten wax apple... 
                          
He became a very important part of my daily routine and not having him around made me feel like a lost puppy, I missed his laugh, his raspy voice and runny nose in the morning, the way he held me when we slept... 
                          
I didn't resent him or anything, it was the opposite, I was just so unhappy without him, everything felt really wrong, I even imagined him hanging out with me in the apartment, I could imagine his voice singing in the shower...
                          
On the inside, I was mad at him for leaving but I was also mad at myself for not realizing he was hurting; he was in pain and I wasn't there for him as I should've... As a girlfriend I was supposed to notice if he was feeling that much pain and couples work through that stuff together, but I've always been too selfish to notice other people's feelings... I just thought I was past that with Harry.
                          
We spent so much time together in that apartment... that's basically where our actual love story happened, the rest was romantic and cute, but it was part of the scam and it didn't feel like us. Will suggested I took a trip but since I had some meetings and I had to be at the studio, I just decided to rent a beach house in Malibu for 2 weeks, it would help me clear my mind and process my heartbreak in a different environment.
                          
I didn't tell anyone where I was, I just grabbed my stuff and left, I even bought a burner phone in case of emergencies with Tina, Joe or my family, but I needed time apart from everyone and everything. 
                          
I was getting to an unhealthy point with social media and trying to figure out everything Harry was doing, analyzing his facial features to see if he was hurt... it was a toxic behavior and it was making me lose my mind.
                          
I used that time by myself to sleep, cry, meditate, write songs, watch the sunset, process my feelings... I was empty, lost, I felt like was just living through every day without actually living it, if that makes any sense, I still had a thousand questions and nothing seemed to make them go away, I was lost. 
                          
I just wanted to call Harry and beg him to come home, but after a few days completely isolated from the world, I found calm and I was finally able to write my feelings and came out with some amazing songs, of course not all of them would make it into the final album, but they helped me take the pressure off my chest. 
                          
Maddie ended up calling my mother and she gave her the number to the burner phone and as soon as Mads found out where I was, she and the girls showed up with a lot of alcohol and bikinis, since I was done writing and already feeling better, I liked to have them around, it's always great to feel that girl empowerment and they were just there to cheer me up and make sure I had the time of my life, and honestly, I did.
                          
We'd get drunk during the day and sing heartbreak songs at the top of our lungs at nights, we even changed our group's name to "New Romantics" that was our way of dealing with all out issues in an environment where we felt safe to do that.