☆K U R O O☆

                                    

                                          





Kenmas POV:
I threw my bag into one random corner and dragged my body to my bed. 
I wasn't able to even take off my shoes.
It was a good thing my dorm was so close. That way it wouldn't take me long to get here and I could start overthinking quicker.
                          
Thinking of what a scumbag I was. Thinking about how I could get away from this suffering. But also thinking of how I didn't even deserve to be happy, because I am a glitch.
Yes that word describes it best. Even in my own life I was just a side character. The ones you maybe, if you're lucky, see one time in the whole movie.
                          
I felt like a third wheel, but then again, it was my own fault.
Kageyama was a really good friend. I distanced myself from him and Hinata, and I was still complaining. 
I was such a coward.
                          
Maybe I should just end it all?
I didn't do any good, and my presence was just a waste of space on this planet. I had no one to turn to.
Thoughts like this would fill my mind, but I would also question what I did to deserve my miserable life.
And to this, I could never find an answer.
                          
It was just- I didn't want to love Hinata.
It just hurt seeing how deep he was in love with Kageyama, knowing he was never going to look at me the same way, let alone feel the same for me. 
                          
I was nothing like Kageyama. 
I didn't look as good as him. He was what you would consider perfect in our society.
I didn't work out as much as him.
I didn't get looks from random people, who admired me.
I was nothing like Kageyama.
                          
I was just an introverted guy, who was addicted to video games, and who grew out his hair to see less of this cruel world.
I enjoyed playing games since I wouldn't have to be in my reality that way.
But how could I, with these few personality traits, hope for someone just as great as Hinata to fall in love with me.
I deserved nothing.
                          
I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, feeling overwhelmed with everything.
My life was a never ending battle field. Although I knew fighting was no option, I could not escape.
I could only surrender. 
Even if the battle started again afterwards, the short time where I would surrender, I felt good. It was better than the battle field.
                          
Cutting was better than keeping up the act in front of my friends.
                          
When I cut, no one expected me to keep my tears in and be strong. I could pity myself and scold myself for how I messed up again. Same as always. 
The pain while I cut wasn't as bad as the pain I felt through the day.
                          
Some tears spilled over, and that was my cue to get up and get out my little treasure box of knives.
As I opened the box, I saw my six little babies. 
I took the second larges knife today, since today I felt extra bad. Worse than other days.
                          
TW!
I attached the knife onto my arm. I sharply inhaled, as I quickly drew the knife to the other side. 
As I saw droplets of blood becoming visible, I silently hummed, content with the beautiful scar I had given myself.
I cut myself another time, but instead of relaxing me, as it usually did, my thoughts were filling my mind by now.
                          
I didn't deserve to be happy!
Cut
I was a disgusting weirdo, who just loved making a scene out of everything!
Cut
I was just a crybaby! I was not even supposed to feel this way!
Cut
I hated myself.
Cut
I FUCKING hated myself.
Cut

                          
After I stopped adding new bruises to the old ones, I burst into tears.
It hurt, but the pain was nothing I didn't deserve.
I cleaned up, and went to bed to continue my crying session. Maybe it was actually easier to just end it.
I couldn't keep on living like this.



                          
I laid in bed since seven hours and 45 minutes already. I couldn't get any sleep at all.
I just kept turning and turning, while bad thoughts clouded my mind. It was currently 2:45am.
I soon sighed as I realized i wasn't going to get any sleep this night, and since my back already hurt, I decided to sit up.