Engaged

                                    

                                          
I looked around the table and everyone had finished their first plate. Ren and the Knights were all on their second or third plate. Jane and Sarah seemed to be done. Kuruk and Sarah were talking about her moving in. Ren was talking to Jane still while Trudgen ate and his eyes darted from his girlfriend to his boss. Cardo was arguing with Ushar about a video game and Ap'lek and Vic were whispering about something. I leaned my head on Ushar's shoulder and closed my eyes while holding my glass of cider. 
                          
	I had gotten the Thanksgiving I wanted even though Hux had almost ruined it. With Sarah and Jane here it was actually a little better than I had expected. Sarah was moving in with Kuruk which meant she'd be around all the time. Jane and Trudgen seemed to be moving along quickly which was great. One thing I knew about the Knights is that they all appreciated how short life was and they didn't waste time. They knew if they liked someone they needed to jump on that opportunity. 
                          
	Except when it came to me apparently. It hit me then how much it bothered me that basically all of the Knights had said they found me attractive when they met me but none of them acted on it. Ushar had crushed had but never made a move. Trudgen, well I don't know what he thought in the beginning or what his issue was now, actually. But six of these men, if you counted Ren, had pushed me aside for a year and none wanted me until their brother had me. I looked over at Vicrul who had taken action the first day he had met me. I was so grateful for him. But I felt a lump in my throat that these other men had rejected me in a sense. I didn't understand where my feelings were even coming from. 
                          
	How could these men only know these girls for the couple months that they had, but had interacted with me for a year and never ever attempted anything. Maybe it was my personality? Maybe I actually irritated them and now that I was with Vicrul they just put up with me. But then Trudgen and all his jealousy didn't make sense. Kuruk did take a bullet for me but maybe it was out of guilt for what he did last week? I knew Vicrul had a chat with him about it all so maybe he was doing it for Vicrul and not for me. 
                          
	My mind started racing and my insecurities were rearing their ugly heads and I wasn't even sure why. Dinner had gone great, so far anyways. But why did these men, who could attach themselves so quickly to these other women, reject me for a year? Why did I fucking care? I didn't even understand why I cared. They were my friends, they made a pact, that's what they told me. They couldn't all have me, so no one got to have me. That's what they said, right? But why did that bother me so much?
                          
	I felt my eyes start to burn. I set my glass down as I stood up and quickly turned my back to the table and speed walked to my room, shutting the door behind me. I went into my bathroom and closed the door. The second the door latched the waterworks started. It only made me more frustrated because I didn't understand why I was so upset. I went all the way to the back of the bathroom and sank down to the floor pulling a towel with me. I buried my face in the towel and cried. I was so frustrated because I really didn't know why I cared.
                          
	I loved Vicrul more than anything. I was so grateful nothing ever happened between me and the other Knights. It meant that what I had with Vicrul was pure and that he liked me for me. But then my mind wondered what if Vicrul had never gone to Siberia? Would he have been a part of their little pact. Would he have hit on me right away or also rejected me? Or would I have had an entire extra year of being loved by him? Now I was mad he had been the one shipped off to Siberia! 
                          
	I was dwelling on shit that didn't matter and crying on my bathroom floor into a towel over shit I couldn't change and shit that didn't matter. If Vicrul had gotten to know me before we did anything would my personality have scared him away? If we had dated would he have taken his time before trying get in my pants. What if I had said no the night I met him? Did he just go so long without pussy in Siberia that he attached himself to the first one that gave him the time of day once he was back? I knew that he had just got back to the States that morning before we met.