10

                                    

                                          
            I was restless until morning came. It felt as if my whole flesh was pierced by thousand needles. Surrounded by endless pressure and binding... when can I be free? What else does Hijikata-san hide from me? Will marriage set me free? Reminded of Itou's offer, I actually considered it a fair deal.
                          
            But will it turn out as I wish? Pondering brought me to a choice that I had to discuss it further with Itou. It scared me, both finding out truth about my father's death and agreeing to marry Itou. They both gave equal result. Knowing the truth would bind me under pressure towards Hijikata while agreeing to marriage would bind me under Itou even though he promised to allow no harm.
                          
            It came to me as bizarre to think of marriage as a key to freedom when I had been thinking of it as a cage.
                          


                          
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            Keio Second year came and knowing what Hijikata had been keeping, I was reminded of the hatred I had against Shinsengumi. At the beginning it was just a small dislike because I thought Shinsengumi was coincidentally raiding that house my father was at and I was almost fooled by my family to think of it as an accident. However, truth that was hidden proved that my hatred was just.
                          
            I served as usual but I conversed less and avoided talking most of the time; especially to the vice-commander.
                          
It was stupid of me to doubt what I personally had heard but I was too afraid. I was afraid of the urge to kill him. There was a pinch in my chest whenever Hijikata entered my sight as if it was natural for me to hate that man.
                          
            I could ask my mother for a counsel, but I figured my mother would pain her heart if she knew father was murdered. So, I struggled with myself, asking myself each day if I was ready to face the truth or worse, to kill. Why? Why did my father have to die? When his body was delivered, he was smeared with blood from top to bottom. There were sword wounds on his limbs and torso. The stench of blood was so thick that it pierced my nose and lingered for some time. The memory would haunt me for eternity.
                          
            "Sayo-san?"
                          
            "Huh?"
                          
            "You're not focusing." Yamazaki asked, smiling a bit. "Or should we skip today's practice?"
                          
            "N-no! Absolutely no!" I chose to proceed with the practice. Picking up my stance, I looked at him intently only to be interrupted when he spoke.
                          
            "Do you have someone you hate?" It was odd coming from a person with mild and calm expression. Yamazaki was always the silent yet warm one. I didn't expect he would even spew a word like "hate". He seemed to be the one close to enlightenment in Buddhism but looks could be deceiving. He could be the deadliest.
                          
            "Someone... I hate?" For a moment, I thought he saw through me. If he knew, perhaps he would end me without reluctance.
                          
            "I'm not saying you should kill that person, if you have someone you hate. But... imagine that person to be me and attack me without hesitation." Yamazaki elaborated and his words relieved me. "It works to some people to improve their concentration. Not really a recommended method nevertheless."
                          
            "I see..." Seeing how Yamazaki had the waiting look on me, I faltered to apply the suggested method. Imagining the possibility of Hijikata being the murderer of my father, I charged forward within a moment of anger's control. Yamazaki seemed to take a distance upon my abrupt movement. After a few exchanges of strike, Yamazaki ended the practice by landing a coup de grace with his wooden sword on my neck.
                          
            "Our training ends here today." Yamazaki said, waking me up from my temporary imagination training. "Take care." He said.
                          
            "...T-thank you." Realizing how the imagination seemed to apply easily, I questioned my conscience. Do I want to... kill him?