Why is love this complicated
We should of been friends, we should of waited
But we can't go back on our past
Explain to me why we can't last
Is it too many scars to heal from
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The graveyard that my mother was buried at is hours away, a whole city away. I drove home first packing some of my clothes and Serayah's. I also packed a few snacks to eat on the way since I would probably go somewhere to get something to eat.
I'm originally from Memphis, Tn, but after my mom died we moved with our auntie to Atlanta.
Good thing it's early in the morning cause if it wasn't I wouldn't be able to do all of what I plan to do.
I powered my phone off the whole time. I didn't feel like talking to anybody. I needed to get away for a while and clear my head because my nerves were so bad.
Just when I was getting my life straight he did this clown ass shit. I wanted to do more than beat his ass. It's crazy cause obviously he thinks it's nothing wrong with what he did.
What if Serayah would've walked up to his room and seen it. It's the fact that even though it was wrong as hell he was stupid with it.
He ain't even make sure she was sleep like what the fuck type of logic do he be on.
I had to cancel all the appointments people made for today and tomorrow. I just said it was a family emergency.
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When I arrived Serayah was sleep, I didn't want to leave her in the car so once I got out I picked her up.
I walked to find my mother's gravestone. Once I found it I sat down carefully on the grass with my daughter in my lap as I was facing it seeing her picture on the gravestone.
I was being careful because I didn't want to wake Serayah, but sooner or later I know she would.
"Momma I miss you, I really need you right now." I smiled but it faded as I started to breakdown.
"I'm doing everything wrong and I'm letting my daughter down. I did everything you to me not to do. I fell in love with the type of person you told me stay away from and now look at where I'm at."
"I don't know what to do. I only want the best for her and I want her to be happy. I need to have full custody but I know she's going to be sad if she doesn't see him. All this is going to affect her in the long run. I wish you were here." I broke down crying as Serayah woke up.
"Mommy that's my friend." She said and I lifted my head up.
"Don't cry mommy." She pouted as she wiped my face.
"Who's your friend?" I asked and she pointed to my mother's picture on her gravestone.
"We play together." She smiled as a tear slipped down my face.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes mommy, she say's you have to stop crying." She wiped my tear but that only made more tears build up.
"When did she say that?" I asked.
"Mommy she's right there." She dragged as she pointed beside the flowers on the gravestone. All I could do was hold her close and break down even more.
I wasn't scared nor was I afraid. I was mostly shocked. I was feeling all types of different emotions. My daughter can talk to my mother who has passed away long before she was born.
"She said she loves you mommy." She giggled and hugged my neck.
"I love you too." I whispered as I stared at her gravestone.
"You have a gift, you know that?" I wiped my tear and she smiled as the clouds started to get grey.
"Gift? Mommy I just talk." She said confused and I stood up with her in my arms.
"Come on let's go." I said getting myself together.
"Bye mimi." She waved and I stopped in my tracks and looked back.
My mother always used to tell us that when she has grandchildren she wants them to call her mimi cause she didn't want to seem old. She thought it was a cute nickname either that or moomoo.
I got back in my car just in time because it started to rain. A lot was going through my head right now. She said my mother said to stop crying and that's what I have to do.
I need to pick myself up and do what's right. Serayah may not understand the reasoning behind me getting full custody but one day she's going to know that it was for the best.
I did everything I could do for the sake of my daughter and I'm going to keep going. I allowed him to constantly go against what I said and that's my fault. He's manipulative and I fall for it every time.
"Mommy, Mimi played with me last night." She said.
"That's good baby." I said.
My daughter has a special gift. I'll be damned if I didn't believe her or tell her she's just imagining stuff.
I want to be able to be an understanding parent so my kids can be comfortable talking to me without thinking imma judge.
I try all the time to understand her feelings and emotions even though she's just one.
"Mommy you- you mad at daddy?" She asked.
"Yes, you may not understand but you're not going to see him for a lil while." I said.
"Why mommy, I love my daddy." She pouted.
"You know how when someone gets in trouble and they have to be on punishment?" I asked.
"Yes." She pouted.
"He's on punishment, he did something very very bad." I said.
"Oh." She said sadly.
I'm just imagining how Serayah would react when she's older and she understands what all her father did to her mother. It was bad for me cause I looked my father so differently once I finally knew what was going on.
I just hope and pray that his karma doesn't go down on Serayah, cause what if she finds someone like him. ____________________________________
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