Focus on me

                                    

                                          
Little story to do with medication (Antidepressants) and mainly with anxiety that comes with them. Also a little struggle with weight gain and how Lou helps them to feel beautiful. (You can class this as a little part 2 to 'let me help you' :)) 
‼️TW: Depression, anxiety, medication. Mild self harm, ED stuff and mainly just read with caution and if you think this might trigger you please do it read! I'm going to make it as light as I can.‼️
                          
It had been 3 months since Lou had found you lying in a state that she would never let you get in again. You had promised her to get help and start getting your mental health  on track,
which meant long doctor appointments and medication. Lou had gone to every appointment and held your hand all the way through, she was always reassuring you and asking questions for you as sometimes anxiety had the ability to stop you from talking.
                          
Now three months on you had regular sessions with a therapist and a monthly prescription of anti depressants, you should've started to feel better. You knew it would take time and even 2 weeks into you starting your meds you where optimistic and felt better then you had in months. Lou had set up a spare room in the loft for you to stay as she wanted to keep an eye on you, you'd told her that you was fine being by yourself but she didn't except that answer. So now you was stood at the window in your room looking at the water that the loft looked out upon. The space was quiet yet all you could hear was your booming thoughts, how the medication wasn't working, that Lou just felt sorry for you and that you'd be better off at the bottom of that lake. You wiped the tears that had started to fall and turned around to put some decent clothes on as the pjs you where wearing suddenly felt like molten lava covering your body. 
                          
2 hours later
Lou had been working all morning as her club was getting redecorated and she needed to deal with making sure everything was running smoothly. After a couple of hours and the trust in the people she'd hired she was walking into the loft, she found herself thinking about you and how maybe you two could watch a movie and she could cook for you. With a little smile she walked into the kitchen with caffeine on the brain. 
'Y/N honey I'm home, do you want a coffee?' Silence. Lou felt her stomach drop 'Y/N? You here love?' Again silence. Running up the stairs Lou found herself outside your door, she could hear quiet sobbing. Not thinking twice she burst threw the door to a site that broke her heart, you was curled up near your bed with all your clothes ripped to shreds around you. You was sat in your pj shorts and Lou could see that you had scratches some of your skin raw, taking a deep breath she gently stepped towards you. 
'Y/N, can you hear me love?' Lou said in a gentle tone, you was murmuring incoherent sentences but your head shot up to look at her. Your eyes said it all the conflict,guilt and disgust. Her heart broke as she kept taking small steps towards you 'Get the fuck out! Don't look at me.' You screamed, Lou flinched but carried on 'Honey I'm not leaving you, I need to make sure you're ok. I'm going to sit next to you, and we're gonna talk this out ok?' She made her way near you but kept a safe distance. 'No it's not ok! This is your fault! Why I look like this! Why I look so fucking disgusting ' Your screams came out broken and you felt like you had shards of glass sticking in your throat. 
                          
You knew you was overreacting but right now you couldn't stand the site of yourself, you just wanted to feel ok, feel beautiful but every-time you looked at yourself you wanted to rip your skin off. Lou knew you didn't blame her really but she still felt a pang of guilt as she watched you rock yourself sobbing into your knees. The medication you had started had side effects, you where told you might not have them or you will experiences a few for a short period of time. At first you didn't notice until a couple weeks back you had attempted to put on your favourite pair of jeans and you couldn't get them past your thighs. That's when you started going down hill, mainly just wearing baggy clothing, counting calories again but now everything had got to much and you couldn't bare the sight of yourself anymore. 
Lou on the other hand thought how beautiful you looked, how your skin started to glow and your face no longer looked gaunt. You looked like you where no longer suffering and on the  right track, how wrong she had been.
                          
'Y/N sweetheart, you need to let me help you. I need you to look at me and follow my breathing so we can sort this out.' It took a little time but eventually you stared up at her blue eyes and matched your breath to hers. Eventually you both sat in silence as you realised what was happening, how you'd destroyed all your clothes, how your skin burned from gripping it so tight, how disappointed you where in yourself for acting out the way you did. You had broken eye contact with Lou as you now found the door behind her very interesting. 
                          
The blonde knew that you where beating yourself up in your head and she wanted to stop that and make sure that you where ok and to figure out what's going on. 'Y/N... Darling look at me.' You met her gaze with fear, she offered you a gentle smile and softly brought her hand to your cheek, you immediately melted at the warmth of her skin and the scent of her perfume. She stroked your cheek as she spoke, 'what happened? I thought we had a system to help prevent this my love? Please don't beat yourself up over this I know how hard you can be on yourself, let me in please? I want to help you.' Lou said the last sentence coming out as a plea.
'I- I don't know how this happened. I know I can talk to you Lou I trust you so much. I just-I'm the heaviest I've ever been I usually make sure I know what I'm eating and how much. Yet here I am now looking like this- I'm so ugly.' You started to sob again and Lou pulled you to sit on her lap you started to protest but she just held you until you calmed down, your head in the crook of her neck as she stroked the skin of your back to soothe you.
'I know it's hard for you to believe, but I think you've never looked more beautiful, you where underweight my love and now your skin is glowing, your hair is shining and you look alive. You are perfect inside and out, how I wish you would see yourself through my eyes.' You pulled your head out from under her chin and stared at her in disbelief, she put her hands of both sides of your head and gave you the most gentle gaze you had ever seen. 
                          
'Lou I don't even know why you bother with me, I can't look after myself and I just cause you so much trouble. I'm sorry please just forget about me I'm not worth your time.' You said as tears spilled down your cheeks, Lou lovingly wiped her thumbs under your eyes to catch the tears as she offered you a sad sweet smile. 'You are worth all my time sweetheart, right now you are going through something that is going to make you so much more stronger, you deserve someone to love you and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. I love you so much and I don't know what I would do without yo-' Lou started crying herself which had taken you by surprise as you'd never seen her that upset, you immediately gathered her in your arms as she held onto your waist tightly as you gently stroked her hair, completely forgetting that you only had on your PJ shorts. 
You both sat there for a while as you placed sweet kisses on her eyes and lips 'I love you too Lou, Im sorry for today I know I shouldn't be but I am, I promise to talk to you when I think it's getting bad again. It just all got too much and I didn't know how to express it to you, I'm just not used to all this yet.' You whispered as you looked into her eyes which held so much love for you. ' I know darling, but we are here together we can do it, you're not alone and won't be ever again. I promise that one day this will all be a memory and you will realise how amazing you are. Now let's clean this mess up, you can put one of my shirts on and let me check your scratches.' You went to protest but the look she gave you told you there was no point in trying. 
After cleaning up she sat you on the bed and gently checked the marks they weren't anything serious but she put some cream on them just in case and gave you your favourite shirt of hers and brought you downstairs so you could watch a film. 
Half way through you where half asleep with your legs tangled with Lous as she stroked your hair, ' I love you Lou.' She looked down at you as your eyes where closing.
'I love you too darling.' 
                          
I hope you enjoyed, I know it was rather heavy! I'm struggling at the moment so I'm not writing as much but hopefully I'll be back again! Any request welcome! 
Be Kind💜