chapter nineteen

                                    

                                          
i sit in my empty dorm. 
                          
it all looks the same, the green liens and the dark oak wood. just how i saw it last and how i expected it to be.
                          
fae and andrew aren't with me. they're away in separate rooms, apparently professor snape is filling them in. 
                          
the new headmaster. 
                          
things don't feel the same anymore. there is this different tone to the school now. it isn't filled with laughter and smiles, or friends getting butterbeer. it's like a prison of sorts. something is definitely off. 
                          
and it's dreary out today, dark clouds fill the sky and no light makes it's way through. it's like everything that makes this place hogwarts has been torn away. it makes me feel sick. 
                          
more sick than i already feel. 
                          
im supposed to be down eating breakfast right now. sitting in my slytherin table with all the people who never made me feel like i fit in. and i don't know if draco will be there... it is our seventh year. 
                          
will he be down there, eating food like nothing happened? or is he back at his house that i know doesn't feel like a home. he hates me and im sure of that, so would he even want to? would he even care to be around me, or attend the same school? 
                          
so many questions are running through my head and the possible answers are scaring me. well, everything is scaring me at this point. 
                          
i slowly get up from my seat on the edge of my bed, walking over to my mirror. and when i see my reflection i barely recognize myself. my eyes have lost color, like they are dead. there are visible eye bags from lost sleep, i just don't look the same. and i don't feel the same either. 
                          
crying about it won't help, it will just add to my horrific eye bags. and i think i've used up all my tears anyway. but i do feel like crying all, all the time. and i wish it would stop.
                          
i adjust my tight tie that hangs around my throat. im wearing my uniform, and looking at it in the mirror makes my stomach churn. this robe feels itchy and the skirt doesn't fit right. the socks are too high and my shoes are ugly. 
                          
and none of these are mine. they aren't like my old uniform. not at all. they're so random, used uniforms that they had extras of because of such a short notice. 
                          
i sigh and grab my light weight book bag, slinging it over my shoulder. this is the last thing i want to be doing right now. 
                          
i have to see everyone, after everything happened. i'll have to face all my old classmates and... 
                          
oh my god. 
                          
oh my fucking god. 
                          
daphne and blaise! they're here! it completely slipped my mind, after everything the last thing i was thinking about was hogwarts. but now that im here, will i see them? oh my god, are they down eating right now? 
                          
that's what spurs me on. i run to my door, flinging it open before jogging down the familiar hallway and down the staircase. 
                          
a million thoughts buzz through my mind. all of them having to do with the memories from my past years here. but the one thing that is staying at the forefront of my brain is daphne and blaise. 
                          
they're the only thing i am not unsure about. i know they are here. unless they left? no. they've got to be down there.  
                          
i race down the hallways, breathing in the familiar air. fae and andrew should be down here too, eating breakfast. so all i have to do is walk in.
                          
but standing before these huge doors, i stop in my tracks. i can hear the chatter from inside, it's awfully quiet though, compared to my past years here. that's odd. 
                          
"y/n?" 
                          
i hear fae's voice from behind me and it nearly makes me jump out of my skin. i spin around and see the sight in front of me. fae and andrew. 
                          
in hogwarts uniforms. 
                          
although, it looks like they weren't given a house yet. they both just wear the basic grey uniforms, like the ones first years get when they arrive. 
                          
"oh my god, are you guys okay?" i rush out, my eyes flicking between the two.
                          
"yeah, we're fine. we were looking for you though, are you okay?" andrew speaks. 
                          
"i-i think so, yeah. i thought you would be in there already..." 
                          
fae looks down at her feet, "im scared. i don't know any of these people and everything is so weird." i can hear the frustration in her voice and it's killing me. 
                          
"i know- i know," i walk closer to them, "we'll get out of here. all of us, okay?" i say this in a whisper, scared of who might be listening. 
                          
"yeah, okay- let's go in. im starving anyways." andrew laughs, and i can tell he's trying to lighten the mood. especially since fae is so scared. 
                          
and i feel awful about that. i do. it's like there is this agonizing pit in my stomach that just won't go away. no matter what i try to do.
                          
i close my eyes, taking a breath before slowly turning around and finally entering the great hall.  
                          
my eyes dart everywhere. the tables, the kids, the grand room i remember so vividly, and snape at the head table. 
                          
i realize though, that the chatter has died down a bit as people started to turn their heads to us. we are quite the sight, three muggles in hogwarts uniforms. 
                          
i start to walk over to my table. andrew and fae follow, keeping their heads down. it's so quiet you can hear the tapping of our shoes echoing through the walls. and i don't like that. i hate being the center of attention, it feels suffocating. like everyone's stares are slowly killing me.
                          
we sit down, some people go back to eating and others continue to stare. and i wish they wouldn't. my eyes dart around the table, trying to find draco or daphne and blaise. 
                          
i don't see draco, and i don't see blasie or daphne. i start to get worried. rubbing my hands up and down my thighs in a stressed action. 
                          
what if they aren't here? what if something happened to them- 
                          
"what- what are you doing here?" the voice that comes from behind me sends a chill down my spine. i haven't heard that sweet, light toned voice in a long time. and it's a breath of fresh air to be able to again. 
                          
i turn around, facing blaise and daphne who are staring at me with wide eyes. 
                          
they look the about the same since the last time i saw them. except blaise is taller and his eyes down have that spark in them. and daphne had bags under her eyes, and her grin is nowhere in sight. what happened when i was gone? 
                          
"i missed you two." i say, smiling up at them like everything was fine. 
                          
but i could tell from them alone that nothing was fine. everything actually was the complete opposite. 
                          
_
                          
sorry for the unusually long wait. my quarter for school just ended so it's been a little hectic. 
                          
so sorry, and hope you have a good day!!! ❤️