There were not many things that I knew much about but pain... Pain I knew. I understood it and its various types. Emotional pain as time dragged by, physical pain I felt when my mate had sex with another woman, when different men had come, nightly...
My mate was hurting, my children were hurting and right now I would be doing just about anything but to bring those monsters in our home, around the rest of our children, would I be willing do to that for Rainy? For my other two children we were both going to be meeting? But the devastation – rare – in Rainy's features are my undoing to bring about the truth in our situation.
'When Rainy begins to feel just a bit settled or safe in her surroundings, Chris, Logan her anger is going to make an appearance,' Shavon had told the two of us and her words were true, 'I don't want that, but I don't want them – Quinn and Fiona – to feel abandoned,' Rainy said and the pain I feel is like I'm being stabbed by her words but she's entitled to her feelings, and that is how she felt. I know that, Rainy can be as adamant as she wants when she says that Seth had a foolproof plan that she knows there was nothing that we could've done but the truth was I gave up. I didn't fight hard enough, I just coasted by and she paid the price dearly. Still I ask her, "Like how you felt?" the words out before I could stop them, and since the last thing I want to do is put Rainy on the spot for an answer, I shake my head, hold my palms up stopping her.
"You don't need to answer that, I'm sorry – but... Rainy I promise that if Quinn and Fiona are having a tough time settling in with us, we can bring in one of them. I don't want to do that, but I think we can do it, help them settle in with us... we just have to be consistent and know what to expect. I'm sure they can talk, nearly turning two... we just have to be prepared that they aren't going to just forget the caretakers they've had up until now. They are going to ask in their own way for what they are use too," I say not trying to sugar coat anything, rainy isn't interested in that from me or anyone else.
Sighing she just hunches over, her body is still tensed but I've noticed she never does relax completely around anyone but our children, even then, the minute she senses an audience of the male variety she's on guard. What do you expect? My wolf asks it's going to take time. I understand that, ten years of abuse isn't going to leave her in a few weeks or overnight, but I'm in it for the long haul, no matter what. I reach for her hand, slowly, careful taking in every single one of her reactions; her eyes darting between her hand and mine, the tiny shake her hand does on her lap, the twitchiness that is so small but I catch it, the look in her eyes that I know with all my being is her fighting the urge to pull her hand away, but wanting that contact. "Can I? Is this okay?" I whisper caressing her hand in mine slowly, looking into her eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, haunted, and sometimes empty. She gives me a slow nod, a small smile, but her eyes never leave our hands, my thumb rubs over healed skin, jagged, rough and a reminder of hard times passed and hard times to come.
The difference in my mind is that this way, from here on out, Rainy will have us for future hard times, our children will be as protected as possible, and I stop myself there. I stop because it's hard, knowing that I won't be able to protect them from the worst their minds have experienced, or the futures where they grow and explore – which is how life works – and live in the world.
"So... do you want to plant?" I smile just happy to be spending any time with her, "No, I'm not sure where to put everything you've bought..." she shrugs, "I only used garden with Grace..."
I nod, "How about a walk? Here on the property, we won't go far?" pursing her lips she nods eventually, standing but she doesn't release my hand, or pull away, and side by side we follow the trail, not leaving the path, just walking in the night, the air chilly but with our overheated body we have no problem.
"What do you think they are like?" Rainy whispers after a few comfortable minutes of quiet, I think of our two children, sighing. "I think they're happy, probably look as beautiful as their mother, and other siblings. They are used to other children since they've been with each other, so they may get along well with the others..."
Rainy grunts next to me, stopping us I turn to her, just as she rolls her eyes, "I think they're going to be overwhelmed..." she says sadly before tugging me on, continuing our short walk. The dirt turning to gravel and with that childlike still in Rainy she begins to toe a larger pebble, kicking it as we go, and I can't help the smile on my face at something so simple. After ten kicks, I hear the most beautiful giggle from her, it's victorious in having gotten it so far and it's childish but I don't care what put that sound there, the action. Not when it's carefree as it is, and she isn't letting go of my hand.
Progress.
After five more successful kicks, the small pebble gets lost in the grass along the side and Rainy turns to me with a pout, one I'd love to kiss away, pull her against me, hold her in my arms and passionately kiss that adorable pout away. We aren't there yet. We might never be there. Despite what my instincts are, I don't follow it. Swallowing, I give her the softest smile I can, and a gentle squeeze, my other hand in my pocket, clenched in anger. Anything for Rainy...I tell myself repeated until the need that is greater – going at her pace, keeping her calm – wins out.
"You ready to head back?" I ask after what feels like forever, but I know it's only been three hours, only half past Eleven at the latest, the night sky, the stars apparent, clear and bright. Even though we have family watching out for the children, I'm sure one if not more of them have woken up by now, and while they are okay with my family, they seem at their most calm when either Rainy or I are around. I warm inside a feeling I haven't had before them, my children, because they've become accustomed to me, I'm not stupid or delusional enough to think that if they had to pick between Rainy and I that I would win, but they accept me and for now I'm grateful for that. Excited for every little thing I witness them doing, learning, I hate that I haven't missed those moments, because the truth is that they were each denied so much, and that is why I'm able to witness them. I'd rather have missed it if it meant they were never denied the things I never think about, hot meals, drinks... walking outside. Peaceful sleep.
.
.
I walk with Rainy, hating and loving the steps as we get closer to the house, both of us walking into the larger room and finding all our children sleeping, I wait in the hall as she checks on Kayla, then we both go to Michelle and Nicole's room, the two of them fast asleep and dry, I shut the door behind us, and finally we are at Rainy's door.
She doesn't open it, just stands her arms wrapped around her, two feet between us, I'm not expecting something physical to happen now, and Rainy gets twitchy, it would be funny if I didn't know the reason but I don't laugh now. "Rainy," I say her name, love the way it rolls off my tongue, my lips, "thank you for tonight," and I'm grateful beyond words, my tone expresses that, the smile in place, she looks up at me dazed, and I keep my hands behind my back, giving her less to worry about.
She nods slowly, her brows knitted like she's trying to figure out some difficult puzzle inside that head of hers, "Goodnight," I whisper, her heart is racing, and I'm not sure what to do so I give her one last look before taking a step away from her, then another.
Turning around going to my own room, slowly, my ears wide open and I hear her door open, then click as she closes it softly. And I miss her already. I shake my head, wondering how I spent ten damn years without her in my life, my heart aching, stopping me where I am in the middle of the hall. I'm not sure whose heart is hurting, hers or mine? Both maybe?
