Chapter 20

                                    

                                          
"Eleanor." A timid voice called out to her.
She was sat against the wall of the Homestead back to her former sleeping spot. She hadn't even entertained the idea of going back to Minho's room. 
Her eyes were open. She hadn't slept a wink. Her head felt like it could explode any minute. But she couldn't close her eyes for, when she did, visions of her best friend's corpse invided her mind.
That, joined with the unbearable shame and disgust she felt with herself after what she had done just a few hours prior, was starting to eat away her sanity, if there was any of it left.
She knew she couldn't handle human interaction. 
She knew Chuck could see she was awake, but she couldn't bring herself to reply or even look at him.
"Eleanor." He tried again. "Are you okay?"
Said girl almost burst out laughing at that question. How could she be okay?
But she could hear the fear in his voice, and that made her feel even more ashamed. 
Chuck had also lost someone that night and he was so small, and innocent. 
How could she be there wallowing in self-pity when the young boy was suffering? 
The concern for her friend broke through her state and she finally brought her blurry gaze up to look at the young boy.
"Sorry, Chuckie." Her voice came out deeply raspy. She didn't bother clearing her throat. "Yeah, I'm fine."
She could immediately see the relief on his face, clearly beliving her.
Oh, sweet, innocent, Chuck. Bless you. She thought. 
She patted the ground next to her.
"How you holding up?" She asked as he plopped down beside her.
"Well..." He said.
She looked at him but he never continued, just stared straight ahead. The older girl had a small idea of what was going through his mind.
"I know, Chuck."
She grabbed his hand in hers.
"I know."



"Do we?" Chuck asked, as they observed a bunch of Gladers congregating around the Southern Door from afar. Door which she still hadn't been able to tear her gaze away from the entire night.
The last thing Eleanor wanted to do was be there when the gates opened and there was nothing there to see. Or even worse, there were things she never wanted to see in her life, things that belonged to her darkest nightmares and deepest wounds.
"I told Newt they might make it. They might be there waiting for the Doors to open. Minho knows what he is doing, and Thomas..." 
Eleanor thought she might pass out. 
"Thomas is strong and brave, and-"
"Chuck!" She spoke abruptly, cutting the boy off.
She couldn't listen to his deluded illusions. She couldn't consider the possibility that they might somehow be true. It would completely destroy her. 
Except, when she saw his expression, she knew it didn't matter what she was feeling.
"Okay, let's go." She said, quickly getting up. 
If she had a single second to think about it, she wouldn't be able to take a single step.
She would acompany her friend in that situation, whether it would kill her inside or not.