Chapter 18 Unspoken Truths

                                    

                                          
****A/N this chapter never felt like it would be perfect but here we go***
The flight was quiet, I sat in the cargo hold and cried so the only sounds were that of my wracking sobs echoing through the ship. Ren did not speak to me nor did he even look at me and I didn't have the mental capacity to even bother trying. I was giving myself until we arrived at our destination to get all of these emotions out before I once again shut them down. Ren had not put up his walls but all I could feel was incessant cold indifferent rage. It didn't ease, it didn't grow stronger it was just a consistent level of anger. A few hours passed and I found myself laying on the grated metal floor of the cargo hold staring up at the ceiling. Feeling drained and all I could do was think about the looks on all of those faces, on Lorna and Elane's. The dark disappointment on Elias's face and the utter despair on Jet's handsome face.  An expression that I had never seen before.
 I felt sick. 
I should have know better than to think that that life could ever be for me but the brief reprieve from death and pain and destruction was something that I would never forget especially since I would most likely never have it again, until my death and even that it wasn't guaranteed. I got to see what it was like for the other side what it as like to walk in the light, that there did not have to be a never ending quest for revenge. Even if it hadn't felt natural to me, even if it was so hard to trust others not to imagine my fists in their faces on occasion.  I had known it would only be a matter of days or months and my time there would have been up. I had just not realized how I would feel when I did have to leave.  How I would be concerned for the lives of others before my own.  I didn't blame Ren for the way he acted, if I had seen another woman's mouth on his I might not have acted so calmly.
I thought about Jet, his mouth on mine how it had felt like the sun on my face, but I had known that it could never be. Once he discovered some of the things I had been complicit to he could not ever forgive that. He was too good.  The bond was also always looming over me everything I said and did always left me wondering about him, comparing Ren and Jet. Now I wondered if Ren did the same thing. I thought back to the conversation we had weeks ago where he had mentioned the girl. Rey. She had awakened because of our bond that for there to be balance she had awoken to balance our powers. I had not been wrong when I though of the things we would accomplish if we could see eye to eye on everything. I had a sinking feeling things would get worse before they got better and I knew Ren would not let me out of his sight. Though I felt betrayed, he had felt that way too and he had found me at the most inopportune moment that I had been in Chandrila. Of all the times for him to decide to show up it had been when Jet had his tongue shoved down my throat. 
At that thought I felt Ren's rage flare again forgetting momentarily that I had left my mind open to him, but at least it showed the truth. 
I heard footsteps and I turned my head my loose hair matted and damp from sweat and tears littered the floor around my head my eyes were red and I raised them to meet the black masked figures of Ushar and Vicrul. Their heavy boots coming to a stop on either side of me. 
I sighed, "I am being summoned?"
"If I were you," Vicrul began his voice sounded tired, "I would keep your snarky comments to yourself for a change."
Ushar's voice deep voice was hard, I could sense his anger towards me, "and try to listen for once..."
Normally I would have risen to the bait but now... now I was willing to take any advice. 
"Ren won't say it," Ushar spoke again and Vicrul's mask snapped to the other Knight, "but he has been worried."
I laughed darkly, "I can imagine..."