its midnight and i have school tomorrow

                                    

                                          
hi world 
                          
i'm so torn right now. it's been a hard year and it's literally february. i just feel like such a shitty person on so many levels. i'm a bad girlfriend, this i know! i'm having relationships issues, but i can't tell sometimes. i feel things so hard. i think i have bpd. almost positive actually. but i'm not going to self diagnose. i'm going to the doctor about it. i need help. i am not well in the head. i only had 2 meltdowns in 2020 but still. they were scary. i wasn't allowed to leave my room because i got violent and my parents were scared of me. isn't that heartbreaking??? i wish i talked about it more. i just feel like i come off so loud and aggressive and dramatic, but i'm a big softie. i love SO hard. i love i love i love. i just want to be loved the way i want to be loved. i feel like that's not happening. okay so you know love languages? my gf knows mine and she doesn't love me in them a lot. i just feel like you need to love other people in their love languages. is that too much to ask? it makes me so sad. i just feel like she's not even attracted to me sometimes. i just wanna feel good about myself again. about us. i just love so hard. i need the same energy back. i want excitement. i want warm kisses. warm kisses. is that too much to ask? i like when someone puts their phone down when i'm there to feel like i'm being given attention. i want love. i love love. soulmates are real. fuck. my mind is so all over the place. how would i survive this cruel world without someone to talk to everyday? and to not have physical contact with someone else. to feel their arms wrap around my waste and pull me in tight for a hug and a warm kiss on my forehead. but fuck do i even get that anymore? i just want to be loved. i feel like i deserve it. i'm in love. i'm in utter love with the person i'm dating. to even THINK about them kissing someone else will make me cry. the THOUGHT of them texting someone else in the morning will bring me to my floor, shaking so hard i eventually cry myself to sleep. but then, sometimes i think about kissing someone else. and i don't hate the idea. i would NEVER cheat. never in my life. i'm in love with someone. i am in love with the person i'm dating. but sometimes it feels like i'm in an unhealthy possessive relationship where i just need to HAVE her. she HAS to be mine and mine only, but am i even being loved. i need help. please i need something. do i stay or go. i don't know if i'd ever recover if i go. i don't know if i'd ever recover if i stay too long. help.