Sarah Paulson- The Classroom

                                    

                                          
TW: mental health/self harm/suicide topics/eating disorders
References: your name: (y/n) your friends name: (y/f/n)
                          
The day is longer than usual, it's Monday so I have many free lessons where I just sit with my friends. There isn't much to do due to COVID 19, we just sit there and occupy ourselves with card games or tv waiting for the next dreadful lessons. However, I'm quite excited as after lunch I have sport, which I'm assuming I shall see this new teacher again.
                          
It's 1:30PM, lunch time, I dread it the most as offers of food tempt in the room and my lunch box just is sat there. I don't ever really eat lunch. I might have the apple but that comes to the extent of my lunch at school. (y/f/n) usually eats my lunch once I've offered it to him and the rest goes into the bin. No one really notices me throwing away my lunch everyday, they might look at me but no words said. I'm in a big group of friends, 11 of us usually, so I should probably feel happy but I feel so alone. I don't have a reason to be unhappy, so why am I. They all seem to think I'm happy and content, I'm glad they do as I wouldn't want to be even more of a burden. I don't really see the point in being there, I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice. Maybe I should. Once it gets to 1:50PM I make my way to sport with 2 of my friends, they are my best friends, they seem to notice me at least. They aren't in my lesson. I get there 5 minutes early because I like sport and I'm excited to see this new teacher. I crack open my Monster since I haven't had any yet and stand outside the classroom chatting with my friends. I feel the caffeine rush hit. My nervous thoughts bounce around the hallway. I guess you really shouldn't drink energy drinks on an empty stomach but I do it anyways, even thought it sometimes makes me feel faint. Not today I just feel awake.
                          
I walk into lesson with (y/f/n) as he shows up late and we sit down at the back. I like it at the back, no one is behind you to judge you and nothing unexpected really happens. The caffeine really isn't sitting with me well today, my hands shaking violently and my leg bouncing uncontrollably. We all sit there chatting away until finally a teacher walks into the room. It isn't Miss Paulson, I sigh to myself, it's bloody Ms Wilson. Suddenly another women walks in, it's Miss Paulson. Thank fuck. I didn't want to deal with Ms Wilson for another term. She's introduced to us through Ms Wilson and then she leaves. Ms Paulson points at the back row and says "I've met some of you" and smiles at me, my stomach is doing flips and butterflies are flying round me. But I just smile at her. The lesson to most people was probably boring but I enjoyed listening to her sweet voice, it felt like a sunset on a calm day at the beach. She tells us to carry on with our work from last term, it's coursework. I'm far behind but I'm gonna try for her, I guess. However every time I try to type my hands shake and I keep making mistakes. Miss Paulson makes her way to the back, "Are you guys alright?" She asks me and my 2 friends. "Yeah" we all reply in unison. She hovers behind me for a minute, staring at my jittery hands and my leg that's tapping against the table leg. "Are you okay (y/n)?" she asks me concerned. "Yes, all good here", I reply but worry seems to plaster her gorgeous face. She stands behind me for a while and I control myself to slowly stop bouncing my leg, so she would go away.
                          
It comes to the end of the lesson. (y/f/n) is about to leave with me to go to the bus stop. As we are about to leave, Miss Paulson grabs my wrist which I slightly flinch at due to the cuts. "Can we talk please, (y/n)?" she asks. I agree to and tell my friend to carry on without me. "Are you sure you're okay? Your hands are shaking quite a lot and you seem to act very panicked" she tells me. I hate this, she's making me feel vulnerable, I put up a wall to hide everything like usual. "No Miss, I'm good just a little tired so I had an energy drink, that's it, don't worry!" I say enthusiastically. Her face seems to recover from worry to a more calm state. "Okay that's good, but energy drinks aren't good for you. Try and get some sleep tonight." She responds. I'm good at this, she really thinks I'm okay. She lets me go luckily and I catch up with my friends to catch the bus.
                          
I finally get home, it's 4:30PM, I really enjoyed Ms Paulson's lesson, even after that scary conversation at the end. I walk through the front door, seeing my mother tapping away at her computer and my dad at his. I always try to make small talk but they usually tell me to shut up or leave them alone. I try to even have a small conversation with them today but 'they are too stressed' or 'busy'. My mum seems to still think she is too busy to talk to me even when she's on Twitter or watching TV. I do try to speak to her today but she just tells me to stop annoying her. Panic overrides my emotions. I run upstairs but keep the smile on my face until I close my bedroom door. That door is like the threshold to being able to be vulnerable. Tears stream don't my cheeks as I look into my full body mirror. I hate what I see but more hate what my mum had said to me. The blade in my bag is itching for me to get that sweet release. I've been really reliant on it recently, which isn't good. However, at least I'm in control of something in my life. After about 10 cuts, I put the blade back into my pencil case and lay in bed lifeless. After awhile I grab tissues and dab the blood away from thighs.
"Dinner" I hear my mum call, she always makes something horrible. She isn't a bad cook, but she seems to repetitively choose things I dislike. I am a picky eater but after a day of not eating who wouldn't be. I run downstairs in my joggers and a baggy t shirt. She hands me the plate and I go back upstairs and turn on TV. I usually pick at it for half an hour, then bin it once my mum has gone to bed. Tonight she's given me stew, I hate it. The feeling of soggy vegetables in cabbage water and eugh it's gross. Makes my mouth feel funny. Each night seems to go the same after dinner. I carry on with Netflix, then just lay in bed on my phone until I either cry or become sleepy and then put my phone on charge and go to sleep. What a riveting life! I just hope this week is bearable. I'm lucky I had Miss Paulson this term, she seems to be the only thing I have hope about...
                          
// This chapter was based roughly on my school days. Sorry it was kinda boring, hopefully the chapters will become better?!? Anyways, have a good week, keep smiling <3 \\