They both laughed out loud at that and Meredith felt his eyes sweep over her. "So what's your story?" He met her eyes and tried to read her expression.
                          
"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar." Meredith smiled, now totally interested in spending her lonely evening with the good looking man.
                          
"I'm just a guy in a bar." He held his glass up to her and they both drank, new expectations raised for the night.
                          
Meredith tossed and turned in her hospital bed, her empty mind soaking up the memories flowing through like the desert sand.
                          
Next it was Cristina's voice that haunted her dreams. "...I don't get picked for surgeries 'cause I slept with my boss, and I didn't get into med school 'cause I have a famous mother..."
                          
Cristina's voice quickly faded and she recognized Izzie's taking its place. "You have their respect without even trying and you're throwing it away... for what? A few good surgeries?" They stood in a large kitchen and she recognized it as her mother's old house. Meredith heard her self respond. "No, it's not about the surgeries, it's not about getting ahead..."
"Then what?" Izzie's voice sounded harsh. "A little hot sex? You're willing to ruin your credibility over that? I mean Meredith, what the hell are you doing?"
Meredith found herself speechless and could only roll her eyes.
Izzie continued with wide, shocked eyes. "Oh my Gosh... you're falling for him."
"I am not." Meredith quickly tried to defend herself.
"Oh you so are." Izzie answered knowingly.
"No, I'm not."
"So are.... Damnit, you poor girl."
"You know it's just that he's so...and I'm just... I'm having a hard time..." Meredith searched for anything to say that would make what Izzie was saying not true.
"You're all, uh, mushy and warm and full of secret feelings." Izzie shook her head and handed Meredith a piece of the chocolate cake she had just baked.
"I hate you! And I hate your cake!" Meredith took a bite of the warm delicious cake.
"No, the cake is good." Izzie countered with her own mouth full of cake. "So, uh, how hot is the sex?"
"Izzie!" Meredith laughed shocked.
"What?! Come on, I'm not getting any. Help a girl out with a few details..."
                          
Meredith stirred again, her head buzzing from the impact of everything she was remembering. Scenes played fast through her head. She and her intern friends. She and Derek. She was happy, happier than she had ever been in her life. And then suddenly it had all changed. Addison. Derek was married to Addison. The puzzle pieces were slowly beginning to fit together and grief and sorrow washed over, quickly replacing her brief felt happiness. Tears filled Meredith's closed eyes as one of her most painful memories washed over her.
                          
Meredith entered the scrub room and waited for the other doctor to leave, finding Derek and herself alone. She took a deep breath and shifted nervously on her feet. 
                          
"I lied. I'm not...out... of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in. it's humiliating, because here I am, begging..."
                          
"Mer.." Derek tried interrupting but Meredith hurried on.
                          
"Just... shut up. You say Meredith and I yell, remember?" She wrung her hands, scared to death about what she was about to say.
                          
"Yeah." Derek said a little defeated and sat back against one of the sinks.
                          
"Ok, here it is. Your choice... it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But Derek... I love you. In a really really big... pretend to like your taste in music... let you eat the last piece of cheesecake... hold a radio over my head outside your window... unfortunate way that makes me hate you...love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me." Meredith took a breath. " I'll be at Joe's tonight... so if you do decide... to sign the papers...meet me there." 
                          
Meredith quickly turned and left the room, wiping the tears that had spilled from her overly full eyes.
                          
Meredith turned on her side and let a few tears sneak out and fall to her white pillow as the long forgotten pain of a broken heart found its way back to her chest. She remembered how he had chosen his wife over her and all the agony and hurt that had followed.
                          
Meredith sat up. She glanced at the large round clock on the wall and realized it was already dinner time. She had slept most of the afternoon. She wrapped her small arms around herself and all of the sudden felt very lonely. She needed Hanna. She wanted the reassurance of unconditional love she believed only her 4 year old daughter could offer.
                          
She realized she could get in a lot of trouble straying that far from her room, but didn't care. Her head was feeling much better; the loud pounding now gave way to a quiet hum in the back of her head. She made up her mind and quickly rushed out of her room and down the hall, opting for the stairs instead of the elevators, knowing she would less likely be seen there. 
                          
Somehow she knew exactly where the pediatric wing was, just as she had known where the file room had been. She carefully climbed the length of stairs and found the floor she was looking for. She walked quickly and discreetly, ducking into empty rooms and closets to avoid the nurses and doctors hurrying on with their own business. She easily found the large white board that hung near the nurses station that held the patients names and room numbers. Hanna Grey, 3318.
                          
She quickly found the correct room and paused when she saw the door was open and that her daughter was not alone in the room. She snuck quietly to the door and peaked in. The scene that met her eyes caused her to rock back a little in complete shock.
                          
Hanna wasn't sitting on the hospital bed like Meredith had expected. Instead she sat at a small table in the room eating her dinner. She wasn't alone. Derek sat directly next to her daughter, eating an identical meal of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, french fries, and small cartons of chocolate milk. Meredith watched unnoticed as the two happily ate the simple meal together. She couldn't help but notice how Hanna's eyes twinkled as she laughed at something Derek had said. 
                          
They both reached for a fry and dipped it in the dark red ketchup that filled a side of Derek's plate, each popping it in their mouths identically. When they laughed their blue eyes both danced to the same rhythm and Meredith held her breath when she watched them each lick a finger on their right hand while running the other hand through their matching manes of dark curls. There was absolutely no denying it. Derek was Hanna's father.
                          
Meredith took a few steps back and the pounding and spinning of her head returned. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest and she started running, heading back to the stairs wanting the comfort of her isolated bed to think. She passed doors and hallways in a blur, and didn't even acknowledge the curious questioning eyes that followed her. She didn't know how she found the strength to make it down the stairs and find her room but somehow she made it. Her head grew heavy and the loud throbbing turned into a roar which soon drowned out everything including her sight. 
                          
Meredith tried to fight back against her fading consciousness. She felt herself falling, and desperately grabbed for something to hold on to, anything. Her hands met with dreadful emptiness and she hit the floor hard, now completely giving in to the growing nothingness that had been beckoning. Everything went black and quiet. It was peaceful. Meredith felt her sorrow and pain and confusion easing away. Everything became numb and Meredith felt herself giving in. She kept slipping further and further away. Away from the chaos. Away from any emotions. Away from the voices that were calling her name. Meredith completely let go and finally allowed her self to be entirely swallowed by the calmed darkness.
                          
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The things she remembers are in italics