balcony

                                    

                                          
Up in Zayn's room he wasn't able to fall asleep, and since he'd smoked all of the cigarettes he had left in the pack Harry left him, he had no other choice but to smoke weed. 
                          
He knew Harry hated it. He knew he hated when he was high, especially without him, but he couldn't take it. He kept replaying the way he said "I don't wanna see you anymore" in his head, his stomach knotting every single time. 
                          
Zayn: "I'm gonna go get high, cause I can't fucking deal with the way I feel right now."
                          
Louis: "Harry hates-
                          
Zayn: "I know, I've already thought about it. But he's asleep and I'm hurting."
                          
Louis: "I understand mate."
                          
All three of them sat out on the balcony in the chilly air smoking, and zayn was finally able to feel the lump of pain fade from his chest for the time being. 
                          
He missed him yeah. A lot actually. He didn't wanna go to sleep, simply because he knew it wouldn't feel right if he was in bed alone. 
                          
Zayn: "do you think he's done with me forever?"
                          
Liam: "hmm?"
                          
Zayn: "do you think he meant what he said when he told me he didn't wanna see me anymore?"
                          
Liam: "no, I don't. I think he was just feeling betrayed and hurt at the time. Niall said he wasn't doing too good."
                          
Zayn: "My intentions weren't to lose him forever guys. But I feel like I just fucked up the best thing I've ever had."
                          
Louis: "you might've fucked up, but Harry's had his moments too. It'll take a minute Z, but he'll eventually come around."
                          
Zayn: "but how soon is eventually?"
                          
Louis: "weren't you the one who wanted a break for a month?!"
                          
Zayn: "okay okay...but I can't stand it."
                          
Louis: "I love you bro, more than a lot of people, but this isn't Harry's fault in this situation. You've gotta make it right one way or another Z. Sitting here and getting high to mask how your feeling isn't gonna work forever."
                          
Zayn: "I fucking know Lou, but it hurts like hell and I can't take it anymore!"
                          
Liam: "shhh, calm down. I promise it's gonna be okay. If you want, we can talk to him and...and maybe get him to talk to you. Anything Z, I promise it's gonna be alright."
                          
Just then Zayn's phone started ringing beside him and he groaned when he saw who it was. 
                          
Zayn: "what?"
                          
Perrie: "nice to hear your voice baby"
                          
Zayn: "don't call me that."
                          
Perrie: "anyway, I sent some engagement rings. I kinda like the second one best yeah?"
                          
Zayn: "I haven't even had the time to look pez"
                          
Perrie: "are you excited?!"
                          
Zayn: "for the engagement?"
                          
Perrie: "yes duh?!"
                          
Zayn: "mhm, sure"
                          
Perrie: "c'mon Z, lighten up! You can't be gay anyway, you know how the world would react."
                          
Zayn: "I don't wanna talk about it"
                          
Perrie: "Harry's never been your type anyway Z!"
                          
Zayn: "don't you dare fucking talk about him, I don't wanna hear his voice leave your mouth once or it'll all be over for you. Do you understand me?"
                          
Perrie: "I'm just wondering if you understand me zayn? Harry isn't right for you. We both know that."
                          
Zayn: "I told you not to say his name again, so fuck off! He's better than you'll ever fucking be, and because of you, he's absolutely broken. So fuck you. Seriously Perrie, what's gotten into you?!"
                          
Perrie: "I just want you to love me as much as I love you Zayn...and you never have."
                          
Zayn: "because I've been in love with someone else forever."
                          
He hung up, he couldn't stand her accent or the way she phrased things. He felt so overwhelmed by the whole situation it was disgusting. 
                          
He had to tell haz about the engagement, prepare for it, actually propose, and get Harry back. It seemed like a train of impossible tasks that he was forced to complete, but he wasn't gonna hold back. If not for him, then for Harry. 
                          
In the middle of the night, Harry woke up searching for Zayn, but when he squinted his eyes and saw a body with no tattoos he jumped before remembering it was Niall. 
                          
He took a deep breath and laid staring at the ceiling for awhile. 
                          
Harry: "I miss you Z."
                          
He blinked and felt a tear roll down his left cheek. He didn't bother wiping it as more followed. Before he got too overwhelmed he retreated to the balcony. 
                          
He peered over the edge shivering, he made sure the door was shut as he whaled to the city. Every emotion, every feeling, every fiber of his being was thrown out there in a puddle of salty tears.
                          
There was absolutely no more holding back. He felt so fucking vulnerable, and there was no one he needed more that Zayn, but he told him he never wanted to see him again.
                          
As soon as the words left his mouth earlier he regretted them. He didn't mean it. He wanted to see him all the time. 
                          
On the balcony a few doors down the three older band mates were sitting in silence, smoking joint after joint in order to relax.
                          
Everything was quiet until they heard a door shut, and distant sobbing from a few balconies down. 
                          
Zayn swallowed hard and closed his eyes. He recognized the cry anywhere and he could've broken almost instantly. 
                          
Zayn: "I feel fucking terrible...god I feel so fucking terrible!"
                          
He cried too, matching Harry's cries. In a way, it was peaceful, being able to hear him in a way. But he also hated it. Hearing how loud his crying was, when it was normally muffled into his chest instead. He felt completely helpless. 
                          
He stood in the same place Harry was. Leaning over the balcony as he listened to his faint sobbing from a few doors down. 
                          
He buried his head in his crossed arms and listened, breaking with every noise he seemed to make. He missed him. He loved him. And he needed him.