Chapter 43

                                    

                                          
Tanna Carson 
                          
As I closed Luke's bedroom door behind me, I couldn't help the way I involuntarily bit down on the inside of my cheeks. 
                          
The room was quiet, yet at the same time, there was so much up in the air surrounding us that it was extremely overwhelming. 
                          
I turn around, my eyes landing on Luke sitting on the edge of his bed, gesturing for me to join him with his head. 
                          
Without a second thought, I moved forward, sitting directly next to him on the bed. I could feel his presence next to me, but the silence was deafening and only made me bite down on my cheeks even harder while pushing my nails into my palms. 
                          
"There's- I shou- I should say something." Luke says softly, breaking the silence. "Actually, I need to say a lot, but I just, I don't even know where to start." 
                          
I turn my head to look at him, but his gaze remains on his hands that were resting in his lap. I run my eyes over the side of his face, wishing he would look at me so I could see what he was feeling. 
                          
"I- just say what's on your mind, I'm listening." I speak softly, not moving my gaze off of him as he nods slowly. 
                          
"Tan, I don't even want to say sorry for everything I've done to you, because the way I hurt you is way beyond that. I've been searching for something to say, but it's so hard to find something that shows you how genuinely sorry I am because the word sorry doesn't even compare."
                          
"Lu-"
                          
"I'm sorry doesn't even mean anything to me anymore. I've heard people say that and do the same thing they've apologized for over and over again. I don't want to be one of those people Tan, not to you. I don't want to lose you." 
                          
"I know you're not that person Luke." I say softly, not wanting to upset him anymore than I could sense he already was. I could hear the distress waver in his voice, but he still hadn't lifted his gaze to meet mine. 
                          
"Since you left, since you stopped talking to me, I've felt completely lost and I know I don't have the right to feel that way because I caused all of this but I can't help it. 
                          
I don't want to make any excuses because I take the blame and it kills me that you had to take so much pain because of me." I listen intently to every single word and I know if I wasn't, I would have missed the next words he whispered. "What I feel for you is so strong, it- it scared me." 
                          
"What do you mean?" I ask hesitantly, not wanting to push him into answering something he didn't want to. 
                          
"A lot has happened in the last few years. A lot of people that I trusted left me because I wasn't enough, because I wasn't who they thought I was or because I wasn't who they wanted me to be, even my parents don't accept me." 
                          
I've gotten used to people not wanting me around after a while, you know, just leaving whenever they felt like it. When it came to you, I- you were everything I could ever ask for. I spent all the time I could with you and when I wasn't with you, I was thinking about you, it scared me. 
                          
You occupied my mind all the time and the more time I spent with you, the more I landed up stuck in my insecurities. I didn't want to lose you, but I lost you either way." 
                          
I sat there quietly, listening and taking in every single word he said, trying to understand where he was coming from. 
                          
"Hey, I'm still here, you didn't lose me Luke." My voice escapes my mouth just above a whisper, hoping to catch his gaze, but with no success.
                          
"I- I know I'm not enough for you and it's selfish of me to hold on when you deserve so much more. I spent so much time telling myself not to mess up with you but I managed to do just that, as usual. You deserve the best Tan." 
                          
"And that's exactly what I have. Luke, Can I tell you one thing?" 
                          
"Yeah?" Finally he lifted his head, his eyes meeting mine for the first time in the conversation and my heart tightens at the sight of the few tears escaping his eyes. 
                          
I lift my hand, placing it gently on the side of his face as I brush my thumb over his cheek, drying the tears off of his face. He keeps his eyes connected with mine, not faltering his gaze in the slightest. 
                          
"Don't think about that when you're with me Luke." His eyebrows furrow in confusion at my words as he opens his mouth slightly. 
                          
I lean closer to him as he watches my every move curiously. I keep my hand on his face, resting my other one on his hands. 
                          
"Don't think about it, I'm right here in front of you." I lean even closer than before, whispering loud enough for him to hear.
                          
For the first time I tear my eyes away from his, dropping my eyes slightly, letting them run over his lips before reconnecting our gaze. 
                          
I move a bit closer, feeling his bottom lip brush mine, leaving the smallest gap between us. 
                          
"Tan, are you sure?" I can feel his breath fan over my lips as I listen to the sound of his voice. 
                          
"I like you Luke. I really like you." I let my eyes flutter closed as he leans towards me, finally closing the gap between us and connecting our lips together.
                          
He lifts his hands up, dropping my hand as he placed his on either side of my face gently. 
                          
He moves his lips purposely against mine as I melt against him, allowing me to feel his every movement and feeling through one kiss. 
                          
We both pull away, Luke pulling on my bottom lip slightly with his teeth before letting go. 
                          
I move my arms to rest around his torso as he rests his head in my neck, kissing me softly. 
                          
"That was a bit different from the last one don't you think?" I say giggling softly, lightning the mood.
                          
"I shouldn't have done that Tan, I-"
                          
"I enjoyed it. It definitely messed with my mind, but I'm only teasing you." 
                          
"Tan?" I nod, keeping my eyes on his as he lifts his head up to look at me. "I really like you too."