*Fifty-Eight*

                                    

                                          
I waited for time to heal me, counted on it every day but it wouldn't, and I couldn't stop thinking about him, he haunted my dreams and when I woke he was there too
                          
A week before graduation mom had set out a dress of hers on my bed when I had refused to go out and get something with her
                          
She'd told me I looked beautiful
                          
I nodded at her; I'd stopped doing so much talking
                          
''Are you coming?'' dad called out
                          
''give us a minute'' mom said surprising me
                          
''Okay Emily, talk to me'' she said when she decided it was safe to talk without any interference
                          
''I have nothing to talk about mom'' I said reaching for the door
                          
She anticipated this and pressed her back against the door
                          
''Were not leaving until you talk'' she asserted
                          
I glared at her then settled on the chair no intention of talking
                          
Dad called again, and mom sighed unlocking the door so that I could slip out
                          
Mom didn't say much after that but I felt her watch me, I heard her mumbling to dad behind closed doors, they were worried about me, all people seemed to do was worry about me it was annoying, I just wanted to be alone
                          
I didn't think so much of Finn, but merely the role he played in my life,  I visited him religiously, but I had gone so much times that I had sort of  forgotten why I had initially started going in the first place
                          
I'd go and lie in the cemetery field next to Finn's tombstone, and talked to lord knows who, it was the only talking I'd seemed to be doing at all lately.
                          
I guess I hadn't thought it through, and I had fallen asleep there once, and mom and dad had searched for me like crazy, until the cemetery's grounds man found me and had called mom to come and get me
                          
After that incident mom and dad started arguing again, threatening me with therapists and mental asylums, I hated them for making me feel psychotic, when all I was, was just fucking sad.
                          
And just when I least expected it, there it was out in plain sight waiting for me to grab it and make it mine
                          
Hope.
                          
There comes a time when your body begins to fight back because just like our physical selves can only take so much, the same applied with our mental state of mind
                          
Funny how this day happened to be Finn and mine's anniversary for the first day we had met, I knew this because Amanda had told me so many times that date the date; we'd go to our first party together
                          
I had come home from work at the café that day, Matt was at school, dad at work and there was mom regarding me, her eyes following me across the room, tracking my every move like a predator sizing up its prey. 
                          
That had been all she seemed to do lately; watch me
                          
It felt as if the frequency in the room had been turned up to the highest and all I heard was zinging and pure oblivion, next I felt my body grow heavy and an excruciating pain well up in my chest and throat, forcing me to feel and embrace
                          
Mom caught me before I fell
                          
There it was my tears, coming down, pouring, racking through me
                          
And I cried, and cried until I was certain my eyes could not produce any more water in the form of tears
                          
Mom sat with me, rocked me in her arms as I cried my tear tank empty
                          
It had been the first time since Finn's funeral that I had cried