twenty one

                                    

                                          
|zee|
                          
the quiet sounds of michael redressing himself stirred me from my sleep. sunlight was peaking through the curtains, brightening the room where the light hit. michael was stood beside the bed, pulling his shirt back over his head.
                          
"morning," he smiled down at me, turning to fix his hair in the mirror above my vanity. it was always a mess- i wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve.
                          
"morning," i repeated back to him, a small smile gracing my lips. i sat up in bed, keeping the comforter pulled over my bare chest as i spoke again, "hand me my shirt?" he grabbed the shirt that was once his from the floor, tossing it towards me. i slipped it over my bare torso before allowing the blanket to fall onto my legs. i yawned, stretching my arms behind my head.
                          
"where are you off to?" i asked.
                          
"band stuff," he sighed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
                          
"band stuff?"
                          
"band stuff." he repeated once more, emphasizing to me that it wasn't music-related. i wasn't sure exactly what he had to do, but i figured not-knowing was probably better than asking.
                          
"oh," i nodded, "do you wanna chill later? i could get someone to cover my shift tonight."
                          
the five words he'd replied to me in the early hours of the morning were burned into my brain, and i hoped he'd say yes. hearing him say "i love you" made me feel like everything i'd ever wished for as a teenager was coming true, and, although i didn't want to admit it to him or myself, it was making me clingy. i wanted to be around him, even if that meant dealing with whatever stupid consequences marcus would send our way. i wasn't worried about that- my focus was on michael, and the three short words we'd murmured to each other in the middle of the night.
                          
"zee," he spoke, his voice sounding defeated. he bit his lip as he looked down at me. it was a look of pity, and i hated it. "i shouldn't have come here last night, not with what's going on."
                          
"oh," i said shortly, biting the inside of my cheek to keep back the tears that immediately threatened to spill.
                          
was he fucking bipolar?
                          
"i wanted to see you, that's why i did. i always want to see you, but i don't want to put you in danger, not any more than i have already." i knew he wasn't saying what he was saying to hurt me- he was only trying to protect me- but it still felt like a slap in the face.
                          
"yeah," i nodded, the tears building in my waterline now, "you should go."
                          
"zee-"
                          
"it's okay," i plastered on a smile, glancing up at him before looking back down to my hands in my lap. "i should probably work tonight anyways, i could use the money." i tried to justify his words with my work schedule, but it really wasn't working in my brain.
                          
i could tell he wanted to say something more, but he left without another word.
                          
when it came time for me to go into work, i was high. not my proudest moment, truly, but the overwhelming hurt was enough for me to swallow one of the two white pills on my bedside table before leaving my apartment. it did exactly what i needed it to- numbed the pain.
                          
tommy was waiting for me in the back when i went to hang my jacket and purse up before clocking in, a huge smile on his face with bloodshot eyes a few inches above. he was clearly high, but then again, so were all of the cooks. so was i. i prayed tommy wouldn't notice.
                          
"hey, t," i halfway-smiled, shoving my phone into the back pocket of my jeans.
                          
"what's wrong?" he immediately asked, easily sensing that i wasn't my normal self.
                          
i played it off well, sighing as i said, "long day."
                          
"oh. well, i'm sorry, zee," he spoke, catching me entirely off guard.
                          
"zee?" i questioned, immediately feeling soberer at the sound of the nickname. i'd only heard the nickname from four other people, none of my friends here had ever called me that.
                          
"yeah," he shrugged, "you call me 't'."
                          
i looked at him, confused for a few more moments before speaking, "oh."
                          
'zee' didn't sound right when it was said by anyone other than the boys. i didn't like the way it sounded without an australian accent behind it, even if it was a light one, like the boys'.
                          
"you better get to work," he laughed, attempting to ease the tension a bit before turning and going back through the doors into the kitchen.
                          
i quickly clocked in, still processing the nickname which had slipped past tommy's lips, and went to the front to claim my first table.
                          
it was around nine-thirty when i got my last table of the night. it was two girls, around my age, and they sat in the only booth that had been cleared off from the dinner rush that had just passed through.
                          
"hey guys, welcome to the slice," i smiled, pulling my notebook from the back pocket of my jeans, "can i get you something to drink?" my customer service voice was struggling to hide my irritation at the two seating themselves thirty minutes before closing. the effects of the oxy were almost entirely gone, which only made me more irritated to be speaking to customers.
                          
"just two glasses of water," one smiled, and i scribbled it into my book before turning to retrieve the beverages. i didn't make it two steps before one of the girls spoke again, "what did you say your name was?" she asked, stopping me in my tracks.
                          
"i didn't," i half-smiled, mentally rolling my eyes as i turned my head over my shoulder, "it's zoey."
                          
the girl nodded and smiled, and i continued walking towards the drink station. i fixed two glasses of ice water, shoving a lemon slice on each of the cups. as i returned to the table, i noticed the two girls were nowhere to be seen, and a crisp one-hundred-dollar bill was lying on the edge of the table as a tip.
                          
"what the fuck?" i mumbled inwardly, one of the glasses nearly slipping from my hand. i turned around to set the two cups back at the drink station, before returning once more to pick up the cash. it was an odd interaction, but i wasn't gonna argue against a hundred dollars.
                          
in no time i found myself back home, a freshly rolled joint, courtesy of tommy, sitting in front of me on the coffee table and beside it, two small white pills. i struggled to find a tv show on netflix, and settled (as per usual) on the office before lighting up the joint and relaxing into the couch. there was no point in trying to blow the smoke out the window, the apartment already smelled of weed from the night before.
                          
the two pills followed soon after the joint, practically gluing me to the couch as i relaxed into it further. my mind was shut off; i felt numb to the world around me, and that's exactly what i wanted. i didn't want to have to think about michael or the interaction we'd had the previous night and that morning. it upset me, and pissed me off more than anything.
                          
so i got high. i was at peace, even if it was artificially created from the drugs. i didn't have to think about michael or the boys or any of the bullshit going on around me.
                          
i was numb.
                          
|edited 03/03/2021|