2020 (17)

                                    

                                          
"Shawn", I hear Camila whisper next to me. Her voice is weak and hesitant. "What... what did you just say?"
                          
I don't need to repeat myself. I know she heard me. Maybe she doesn't want to believe it, but she heard my words just fine.
                          
"Now I'm really gonna go", I sigh and get up, never glancing at her direction. I can't afford to look at her now.
                          
"Shawn, please", she begs, but I have no idea what she wants.
                          
"It's ok", I murmur and her tiny hand is quickly wrapped around my wrist and holding me back.
                          
"No... It's not ok. Why didn't you tell me?", she asks me.
                          
When I look at her, her eyes are even bigger than before, if that's possible, and her cheeks are red. She lets go of my hand and tries to fix her hair with erratic and clumsy movements. I hate that I make her so uncomfortable.
                          
"I was gonna tell you, I was ready to...", I say rubbing my neck and pouring my heart out for her. There's no holding back now. "When we were back from the camping trip I was... but then... That night... I don't talk about that night. I barely remember what happened next, at the hospital", I take a deep breath because I hadn't said that words out loud in years and my heart instantly aches. "It was all blurry, and when I had a clear mind again, it didn't look like the right time. Next thing I knew, you were dropping college and flying somewhere else".
                          
"I was a mess", she mutters so low I can't barely hear her.
                          
She looks out of her mind, like in a trance. Her eyes are opened but she's isn't looking anywhere, she's too lost in her mind.
                          
I want to say I was a mess too, but I know what she means. She had it bad before that night and it just got worse after it.
                          
"It doesn't matter now", I give up. If she didn't love me back then, she won't love me now.
                          
"Of course it matters", she yells and suddenly comes back to her senses.
                          
"No, it doesn't", I laugh nervously. "It was a long time ago and what you said to your friend kind of hurt me but I can't do anything about it".
                          
Telling her about my feelings makes me feel more vulnerable than I have ever felt so all I want to do is run away before my tongue continues giving away information that I kept to myself for so long.
                          
"I loved you", she says softly and my heart stops for a second. "You were my best friend. You were everything to me. But I never thought of you as... It never crossed my mind".
                          
Camila putting me on the friendzone so explicitly now just makes me want to dig a hole and disappear. My stomach shrinks and hurts with the pain she's unknowingly causing me.
                          
"Shawn you were so...", she speaks again. "You never gave signs that you liked me. We were messy and weird and we didn't really speak unless it was to..."
                          
She is confused and I think it would be better if I just leave her alone to take in the news but she seems to want me here while she rants about how unlikely it was for me to fall for her, or vice versa.
                          
"You could've had anyone, everyone told you that and you just said you weren't interested", she speaks again, trying to make sense of my past behavior.
                          
"I had you. They didn't know, but I had you, so I didn't want anyone else", my mouths embarrasses me again.
                          
The cringe feeling in my guts just gets worse with every knew observation she makes.
                          
"So the first time we... Were you already...?", she doesn't even call it for its name. Man, this is bad.
                          
"No, the first time we had sex I wasn't in love with you. I was just... horny and excited. It happened later", I explain.
                          
"Shawn, I don't know what to say", she finally goes out of words and I take it as my clue.
                          
I don't say anything either and this time I really leave her house. When I'm inside my car I lose all composure and hit the steering wheel again and again to release some of the tension, embarrassment and pain. Why did I say that? Why did I have to open my mouth?
                          
I can't believe I kept all these feelings to myself for years just to give them away almost the second I reunite with her. Who made me this reckless and stupid? Maybe this time I lost her for good.
                          
I drive to the beach and sit on the sand. The moon looks small tonight. It's hard not only to have ruined things with Camila so out of the blue, but also to be alone in this city and have no one to talk about this with. My mind is full of what if's and I try to keep them away, but at some point I give up and tears run freely down my face. I don't understand why everything went to shit years ago, I don't understand what we did to deserve it. We were too young to be hurt like that. 





                          
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a/n: Hi, sorry for the cliffhanger but it was fun. This is a short chapter because I'll spend the next couple of updates telling you about what happened to their young selves and how they got there. I can post it in a few hours if you vote and tell me you want it ;)