Chapter 33 - If we both end up as old spinsters, let's just marry each other

                                    

                                          
Are you happy? In all honesty? No. But I am curious – I am curious in my sadness, and I am curious in my joy. I am everseeking, everfeeling. I am in awe of the beautiful moments life gives us, and I am in awe of the difficult ones.

                          
- Bianca Sparacino
                          


                          
I wasn't doing very well and it scared me so very much. I was terrified of the truth, because I had been there before and it didn't end well. I tried so hard to ignore it, but it was always there, lurking in the back of my mind.
                          
The week had passed by in a blur. I had spent most of my time in the library, preparing for the O.W.L.'s. When I wasn't doing that, I spent my time with Daphne and Tracey, but it was difficult to act like nothing was wrong.
                          
I knew exactly what was wrong and that's what scared me. 
                          
I was jealous.
                          
Over the past few weeks, without really realising it, I had left the hatred that I once felt for Draco behind. I didn't see him as a competitor anymore, or as a bully. I saw him as someone I enjoyed spending time with, if he just allowed me to get close enough.
                          
And I didn't realise it until it was too late. And he didn't even care. He'd just find someone else. I just happened to be there.
                          
"If he doesn't compliment me in this attire, I will hex him", Daphne said, turning around in front of the mirror. She had borrowed one of my plaid dresses for her Hogsmeade date today and it looked wonderful on her.
                          
"He better, you look beautiful, Daphne", I said. I was quite good at hiding what I was feeling, but I was overwhelmed. I didn't know what exactly it was that was making me feel so ... sad. It wasn't just jealousy, that didn't make me sad.
                          
But Daphne looked so completely happy and that was enough motivation to just suck it up and smile. I had spent months wishing she'd just get over him, and now suddenly it was my turn. I was the one who needed to get over these stupid feelings. 
                          
Feelings. I had feelings for Draco Malfoy.
                          
Daphne twirled around one last time. They'd be so good together, a Malfoy and a Greengrass. And I had been so foolish to let it hurt me.
                          
"Come on, let's get a move on", Tracey said and pulled us both out of our dorm rooms.
                          
It usually wasn't as crowded in the common room, but Hogsmeade days were special days. The common room was packed with students, excited to visit the little village. I usually was too, but I couldn't seem to focus on it this year. It suddenly seemed like the last place I wanted to be. 
                          
"Shall we get breakfast before we go?" Tracey asked. "Daphne is grabbing something in Hogsmeade, but I'm starving already."
                          
"Sure", I mumbled. I felt her eyes burn on me, so I forced a smile and tried to act as excited as I was supposed to be.
                          
"You look beautiful", Malfoy said.
                          
I looked up, but it wasn't directed to me. 
                          
"Thank you, you look very handsome yourself", Daphne smiled brightly. She was so happy and that was what mattered. But then why was I struggling to breathe?
                          
"Let's go", Malfoy said and extended his arm for her to take, which she did. And I watched them with the most pain in my heart I had felt in a very long time. And I knew what had happened. I knew why I was experiencing this pain, this sadness.
                          
My heart was breaking.
                          
"Lea, are you okay?" Tracey asked. The touch of her hand on my arm brought me back and I tried to focus on the now.