thirteen

                                    

                                          

I knew that I was sane enough to know that it was weekend but I still woke up early. 


                          
It was still dawn, I still wanted to have some quality sleep, my whole body felt so tired but my mind kept remembering the things that happened last night. First thing when I woke that's what came to my mind.


                          
I wanted to brush it off and just let it all pass but my subconscious mind won't let me.


                          
I tend my eyes to my left, to Wonwoo, who is still sleeping soundly. I envied him so much to the point that I even thought of wanting to switch bodies with him or atleast our mentality.


                          
He told me yesterday that he'll wake me up but here I am, already wide awake.


                          
For the past minutes, I just let myself zone out, staring at the blank space and not really sure what I'm even thinking.


                          
♫︎Three blind mice. Three blind mice...♫︎


                          
I sang inside my mind, but at the same time, I felt like my mind is wondering off somewhere far. Does that even make sense? 


                          
I heaved a heavy sigh. I don't even know what to really think of myself anymore.


                          
The song is for kids, it should be upbeat but I was singing as if I'm in someone's funeral.


                          
♫︎See how they run. See how they run...♫︎


                          
I kept convincing my mind, myself that I'm sane but I too, is starting to think that I'm actually starting to go crazy.


                          
♫︎They all run after the farmer's wife who cut off their tales with a carving knife...
                          
Did you ever see such a thing in your life? As three blind m—♫︎



                          
I immediately shut my eyes close when I felt the bed shifted. Is he already awake? Just how long had I been zoning out?


                          
After some seconds, when the bed maintained. I opened my eyes half and looked at him through the corners of my eyes, but the moment I did, he moved again that I had to immediately closed my eyes again.


                          
The bed shifted once again but it was more sturdy that I guessed he sat up or even got off.


                          
I tried really hard to stay still just so he won't notice that I'm fake sleeping and already awake. I'm just gonna wait for the door to click open and close, and just eventually get off bed too.


                          
I'm just hoping that he'd be dense just this time.


                          
"You must've had trouble falling asleep last night.", My finger flinched when I heard him whisper. I heard him sigh before I felt that he fixed the comforter that I even had goosebumps when he did.


                          
I was guessing that he already went out after hearing the door. I slowly opened my eyes as I listened to the sound of his paces that were slowly fading.


                          
Why does he sound so sad? I mean, he didn't really commit a grave sin but if he was no one to me I would've slapped him across the face, but he's someone to me and it's really okay now.


                          
But on the other hand, isn't that an advantage when it comes to guys? 
He's a gentleman to the point that he's really guilty about doing something normal married people do.


                          
What did I even do to deserve him?


                          
It would be too weird if I go down now, so I just decided to kill time by roaming around the room. Everything inside the room was still new to me that I still find everything there fascinating.


                          
My hand trailed everything that I could touch. From the soft bed to the smooth surface's of the cabinets and drawers, even though some were dusty, it didn't really matter.


                          
My eyes landed on my vanity, and once again I wanted to go through it. I opened one of the drawers and it revealed my journal. I failed to finish reading it last time, so today, might as well continue it. It's not like I'm in a hurry nor am doing something anyway.


                          
When I opened it to the page where I last read it, my brows furrowed. I really have been lazy that from December 27, 2020 it already went to April 28, 2025, but I'm still kinda surprised that I'd get to still keep it despite the long time gap.



                          
                     April 28, 2025 Monday


                          
It's been awhile but here I am again. After being with Wonwoo for almost five years, I've never felt this kind of happiness, even if sometimes we'd get into some sort of misunderstandings, we would manage to still talk it out and eventually make up. That's why, in that five years, every single day, I'd fall for him even more, that I couldn't even imagine not having him in my life.
                          
That when he proposed to me with a ring, I didn't let go of the chance, the opportunity of being with him for the rest of my life. Thus, in this very day, Wonwoo and I shared our vows, promises and had a commitment through marriage. I just had one of the happiest moments of my life and swear that I will treasure forever.
                          
But earlier this night, I don't know if I disappointed him or what. I'm not sure if I really did the right thing but I felt guilty and the fact that he said that it was alright adds up. 
                          
Everybody knows it's normal for newly wedded people to do it even at the same day of their wedding. But I think I really disappointed him when I said I didn't want to do it yet. I told him that I'm still not ready but he said he understands me and that it's okay if I still didn't want to. He even promised that he won't ever take advantage of me.
                          
To be honest, he kissed me earlier and was about to go deeper but I stopped him. I was afraid that time as I thought he'll get mad but instead he just stared at me, though it was dark, I saw through his eyes that he was sad, he just stared at me for short while but eventually smiled, a genuine one and instead brushed his lips on my forehead...





                          
Oh... 


                          
Right there, after reading all those, I felt somewhat guilty.


                          
So that's why he stopped himself last night, because he didn't want to take advantage of me, because he kept his promise.