Letter 46

                                    

                                          


                          
Dear Chanyeol,
                          
All my life, I thought I was strong. You knew my history. I grew up with my grandmother and when my parents were about to get me, my dad left us. At a young age, I had to be strong for my mom. 
                          
I needed to be matured and I had these specific goals in my life that I will do no matter what happens. I thought I can overcome anything, even when you left me 3 years ago. Back then, I pulled myself up. I wrote a book about my feelings and it became my inspiration to be okay, even if we both know I wasn't totally fine. 
                          
After what happened between us, I thought I was so strong. I overcame a lot of challenges in my life but I was wrong. Looking at your letter now, I couldn't find the courage to find any strength to open it. 
                          
For the first time, I was afraid. I was afraid that if I opened your letter, that would be the last time I would hear from you. It was true. I was aware of the harsh reality I was in but for some reason, I needed something to look forward to. 
                          
I need a drive to push myself. Writing a book two of our novel was not enough. I thought if I spent time alone in my room, everything would just sink in. It happened before, it can happen again. But no. 
                          
I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't take a bath. I can't sit. I can't stand. I can't leave this room. I can't write. And sometimes, I can't even breathe. Losing you for the second time around was worse than I imagined. 
                          
Losing you with the thought that I would never see you again was the hardest. I thought that since you left me before, I could handle the second time around. But I was wrong. It was harder. It was impossible to bear. 
                          
Before, I was sure that you would be happy somewhere, without me. That you can still do a lot of things you liked and you could travel the world with the person you love. You can achieve your dreams, even without me. 
                          
But now, things were different. You won't be travelling. You won't be building your company. You won't be spending your time with your family and friends. You won't be out there searching for the love of your life. 
                          
No matter where I go, you won't be there. No matter how hard I wait for you to post on  your social media account, there won't be any. No matter how I try to call or message you, there won't be any response. No matter what I do, you're gone.