Sniper Trifle

if you're subscribed to Microsoft word, you probably received an email recently saying they're upping their prices. Like, a lot. ($9.99/month instead of $6.99)

guess what though? you can log into your account, click Cancel Subscription, and get the option to continue your subscription at the same price WITHOUT their bullshit AI.

That's right, the new, higher price is actually a different subscription that includes AI that everyone is being opted into by force! What a cool and fun product that clearly everyone wants.

you can also choose to buy Word 2024 without AI for a single lump sum that will be yours in perpetuity, with no updates, for one computer.

Check your subscription if you need Word for work! Don't get duped into paying for something you might not even want

Here’s a video so you can hear the water and the thrushes. I took it for you because you couldn’t be there. <3

Sharing this again for anyone who could use a few seconds of peace and light today for whatever reason.

ppl have gotta find a better visual shorthand for cops being useless than fatness

Typical void sound 🖤😅

One of the baristas at a nearby Starbucks makes me lose my mind every time I’m there by saying things that are not outside the spectrum of normal human words but are just slightly off-the-wall.

Barista: Welcome to Starbucks, home of delicious, what deliciousness can I put in motion for you today?

Customer: … Can I get a trenta pink drink please?

Barista: Go big or go home, we here at Starbucks appreciate your commitment, what else can I get started for you?

Customer: Nitro cold brew with shots of espresso please.

Barista: Brave of you to commit to staying awake for three days, anything else today?

Barista: *slams open drive-thru window* HI HOW ARE YOU?

Customer: …I’m pretty good.

Barista: Are you ready to be even better? Because you’re about to be. *hands them their coffee* 

Barista, realizing that a drink was made wrong: *slams open window* SO how do you feel about surprises?

Customer: ….they’re okay.

Barista: Great because I’m about to give you one.

Barista: You have two drinks so I am going to hand you two straws which means, FANTASTIC news, these straws double as drumsticks. / You have one drink so I am going to hand you one straw and, promise not to tell anyone, this straw doubles as a magic wand.

Barista: Here are those cake pops, I plucked them fresh from the tree myself.

Barista: *slams open window, holding drink* Amazing, fantastic, delicious, you are a very lucky man/woman!

Barista, realizing drink is being delayed or remade: Looks like it’s gonna be just one minute so they have time to put the extra love in.

Barista: I’ll be with you in one hot second. *beat* WOW that second sure was hot!

Anyway she has a few dozen catchphrases she rotates approriately and it’s both distracting and fantastic to listen.

Now THIS is customer service

I don’t think I’ve ever in my life met someone who LOVES customer service so much. Like, her favorite passtime is taking angry phone calls and helping the person calm down and only hanging up when they are satisfied. Her dream job is working as a flight attendant and personally I would love to recieve instructions on how to put on an oxygen mask from her.

look I'm not gonna pretend I know anything about electronics, but sometimes a plug is so big it blocks another socket, and I'm always like "who the fuck do you think you are"

once again begging people to not post their plans to commit crimes/ admit to committing crimes on tumblr

and especially don't post about your friends committing crimes on tumblr please,

Ok I am once again liveblogging the Word of the Year vote

• For informal word of the year, multiple people have gone up to the mic announcing themself as “team rawdog”

• One respected professor threw his support behind “W”, saying (I’m paraphrasing) “double the u, double the pleasure”

• In lieu of an institution, one person announced themself as a “tumblr shitposter”. That person? Was me.

Unsurprisingly, “rawdogging” has won Informal Word of the Year 2024 by a truly MASSIVE landslide

“Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Body” has just been last-minute nominated for political word of the year, challenging “Luigi”’s crowd-favorite status.

Someone just started playing smooth jazz on the speakers to pass the time as waited for the presenters to resolve their tech issues

“Luigi” wins political word of the year!!

• Somebody (me) just last-minute nominated “I’m bald” for Digital Word of the Year.

• A middle school teacher has gone up to the mic to INSIST that the correct order is “Skibidi Ohio Rizz”, not “Skibidi Rizz Ohio”

• The Digital Word of the Year commentariat appears to be almost entirely made up of middle school teachers

• A middle school teacher sitting next to me: “I’ve had to set a quota for how many ‘skibidi’s are allowed in my students’ creative writings”

“Brainrot” wins Digital Word of the Year!

• For the second day in a row, the presenter has insisted that “hurkle durkle” can be used as a synonym for “bedrotting”

• “Lock in” wins Most Useful Word of the Year

• WOTY mvp Nicole Holliday has brought up the concept of “Toilets with threatening auras”, arguing that “we live in a vibes-based economy”.

• Arguing in favor of “Unserious”, someone claimed that “there is nothing more cutting than being called unserious.” She then proceeded to call the rest of the contenders unserious, eliciting audible gasps from the audience.

• “Unserious” has defeated “NIL” in a runoff for Most Likely To Succeed Word of the Year

Ok we’ve moved on to “Most Fun While it Lasted”, a category that I accidentally caused to exist during nominations yesterday.

• Someone has gone up to defend “hawk tuah”, calling it the “most potent, most virile” word of all time. The havoc this comment has caused is indescribable.

• Ok seemingly everyone this round is speaking in support of “Hawk Tuah”

• “Brat” wins Most Fun While it Lasted!

• Someone has provided “We boutta rawdog an entire presidential administration” as an example sentence

• In a profoundly unsurprising development, basically half of the commenters this round spoke in favor of “rawdogging”

RAWDOGGING WINS WORD OF THE YEAR 2024!!

OFFICIAL BREAKING LINGUISTICS NEWS

Official ominous sign

one time a ranger 1 (so not law enforcement) at the state park where i worked was getting rid of a bunch of clothes so he put them all in garbage bags and dropped them off at the bunkhouse where all the seasonal employees lived and he said we could go through them before he donated them and we all took a tshirt or two and then a month later we were throwing a party and I was like "we should all wear his clothes to the party" and he came in and it took him like an hour and five drinks to suddenly be like "wait a minute.................."

i should've noted that our parties always had dress-up themes (pirate night, cowboy night, etc.) and he'd texted me and asked what the theme was for this one and i told him "just dress as yourself."

Thought people would appreciate an update

Love love love characters that present themselves as emotionally open social butterflies but the more you see of them the more obvious it is that they’re the most closed off fuckers in the story. Sure, they want to help you with your personal problems and messy emotions, but if you turn that shit back on them, they’ll shut down or deflect every time. Why are you sticking your nose in their business anyway? It’s not like it matters. They’re not a person, they’re just a role being played. They’re the guy who fixes things and saves people. Please ignore the man behind the mask, he’s fine. Everything’s fine.

something has gone deeply wrong when "focusing pragmatically on issues you can influence and working to make life better for yourself and your community" is considered an unserious distraction while "endlessly exposing yourself to media about distressing situations you can't control" is considered political engagement

Costco has these artisanal peaches. My betrothed and I first had them while staying with some friends. They’re the platonic ideal of what an amazing peach should be. They’re peeled and preserved in juice whole, and somehow they taste slightly like vanilla.

When we got home from our visit we picked up a jar for ourselves. They lasted a good long while. We finally went to get more- and they were gone. I was devastated. That was two years ago.

Every Costco trip since then has included a hopeful look for the amazing peaches. I never stopped dreaming they’d come back.

My health has gotten better and with my improved energy I’ve finally been able to take over some of the chores. So when my betrothed lamented not having time for a Costco trip last week I volunteered to go alone.

I was meandering down the aisle and then I saw them. The peaches. The promised fruit I had been denied for two years, perfect and golden in that Costco aisle. Orchestral music swelled in my mind and everything around me faded away as I beelined toward them.

I was stricken with peach madness. I got four jars. Sitting in the car afterward I tallied the expense. The peaches were fully a quarter of the Costco bill. I texted my betrothed to apologize for absolutely losing my head. They reassured me over and over that it was a luxury I deserved to indulge and that it was okay.

Tonight while holding a dripping perfect peach in my hands, eating it while standing over the counter, each bite the exact ripeness to have a little give but not too much, and my mouth full of vanilla and peaches I contemplated going to buy more.

Queuing this for January too.