Western individualism is gonna be the downfall of the aspec community and I dont even care how extra I sound I'm so serious. Whether you like it or not you have some shared experiences with non-aspec queer people, asexuality and aromanticism have social and political impacts and if you're gonna call yourself a community member of anything, you have a moral duty to look out for other people in there and u lot are willing to throw that all away because... what? You have to acknowledge privileges you have that are still there regardless of what aspec label you have? You have to admit there's actual oppression enabled by some aces and aros here in spite of the ace and aro exclus making up allegations? You have to acknowledge aces and aros that aren't you for once? You have to accept that not every ace and aro related thing is gonna be about you personally? Pathetic. When you make a “safe space” for aspecs that has no material conditions in place, no systemic analysis just anecdotes, no actual politic or praxis, absolutely nothing to address the oppression of the aros and aces in your community all because you don't want to feel minorly inconvenienced for once in your life, just everyday 'everyone's valid' and 'it's a spectrum <3' you don't have a safe space. You have a meetup.

Getting into the aspec community's anti-love stance more on a personal level cus it's been me rubbing the wrong way for so long.

Society sees love and sex as the same so it doesn't make sense whenever the community acts like the marginalisation of certain types of sex wouldn't have any impact on romance whatsoever. That homophobes hate homosexuality but will give homoromanticism a free pass. There was a whole study, the MacInnis-Hodson study, that showed homophobes admitted they'd still discriminate against gay people if we don't have sex. Homophobes think gay love doesn't exist in two respects; that gayness is inherently sexual so 'love' between the same gender doesn't exist because it's only sexual and that gay love is perverted, sinful because it can involve sex and shouldn't exist. There is no way to be anti gay love that doesn't circle back to this. It's also weird that people unironically think puritans are pro-love if they're anti sex (and spoilers they're not anti-sex they love heterosexual reproduction) like no they're pro-marriage. Pro cishet monogamous marriage to be exact. There isn't a single context where they think gay love is pure. They've banned gay kisses, they've erased gay characters that don't have sex, there's a whole genre of homophobic Netflix where gay characters being physically close to each other is getting scrubbed and sanitised like this idea of pure uwu alloromantic love u lot are talking about doesn't include the gays. It's *never* included us. It also doesn't include Black women because look at the way writers and fandoms fight tooth and nail to avoid making Black women love interests. In fact it doesn't include any marginalised group society says is romantically undesirable.

The most important form of pro-gay love activism I always think of is queer Ghanaians and the anti-LGBTQIA bill that got passed. I can't visit my family in Ghana without being in danger. I either put myself at risk by connecting with my own roots or I never see them and stay 'safe' in the UK (and I use 'safe' in the lightest way possible). I think of queer Ghanaians and other queer Black Africans in the global south navigating the effects of colonialism on top of rampant queerphobia, violence and rape. The conflict of being proud of your Africanness whilst your country is killing you. I think of Angel Maxine and her creation of Love is Our Will and the full version, Kill The Bill Love Is Our Will and how as Ghana's first openly trans musician she's putting her life on the line everytime she sings about gay love. I'm never gonna see that as useless of 'uwu pure love allo things' like fuck no. Fuck that. It's an act of resistance and bravery. So yeah western aspecs giggling about gay love messages being useless when this shit is going on will always be dutty and ignorant to me for this reason.

It feels so weird when I call out amatonormativity and try to centre aroaces as an ace that experiences romantic attraction to have aspecs start shitting on alloaces and non-ace people's romantic attraction in my reblogs like I'm not the alloace and and 'allo queer' in question. I think it's cus people assume I'm aroace too so they feel comfortable saying these things. Or people know I'm not but the idea of being gay and asexual isn't sinking in cus I have a post talking about gay asexuality and people tagged it as aroace instead. Or this is some conditional support cus I cant help but notice the increase in acephobia I'm getting the minute I start focusing on the lesbian side of my asexuality. That aspecs have a bigger issue with the ace lesbian culture blog than they do the Black one.

Yes the 'love is love slogan' has limits, yes love is not the most important part of gay activism but that's literally why we have more than one ffs. You can care about multiple things at once. I'm sorry but if we can see how blatantly reactionary sex loses, don't have gay sex would make a pretty puritan sounding type of activist messaging, that proudly labelling ourselves anti-sex and that supporting sex negativity would sound fucking awful then making fun of gay love activism five seconds after it's giving hypocrisy. Like you lot either genuinely don't know enough gay history of theory so these posts are coming from ignorance or you do know and don't care. And that's worse.

Cus if we were doing up 'fuck love where women are expected to be perfect wives and mothers' 'fuck loving our abusers just because they're family' 'fuck the idea we have to love people unconditionally when they're hurting us' 'fuck the idea romantic love 'fixes' and absolves people for doing morally bad things' 'fuck the idea you have fall in love with the opposite gender/sex only' then i'd be all aboard but no we're (not me tho) making fun of the sexless uwu gays with romantic attraction... just like the rest of society.

"Ace women have it easier than ace men because everyone thinks women are pure and men are predatory" when Black women are sexualised and Asian men are desexualised, "aroallos are privileged because they can just have sex like allo people" when gay sex bans and serophobia are alive and well, "alloaces have privilege because romance is always seen as pure and sex is always seen as bad" when gay marriage is still illegal in most parts and gay romance books are being burned, "aroaces have privilege because they have the most visibility and representation" when the aroace visibility and representation in question is harassment from TERFs and fascist Youtubers, 'asexuals have privilege over demis, greys and sex favourable aces and sex repulsed aces are the most privileged because they're seen as really asexual" when the emotionless asexual trope exists, when most sex repulsed characters are literal villains and when the go-to stance of every anti-asexual TERF, radfem, conservative and Christian puritan is that having no sex or sexual attraction at all can't exist in humans or ever should, is what happens when you have no substantial asexual or aromantic politic, remove the nuance of romance and sex as if they aren't effected by various factors, base your 'activism' on interpersonal moments over any systemic analysis and act like asexuality and aromanticism exist in magical place unaffected by the rest of the world.

Just garlic bread and vibes, truly.

I got called an exclusionist today for applying the most vanilla social justice theory to asexuality so let's break it down:

The ace community likes to use the asexual to allosexual spectrum to talk about sexual attraction. In this framework, an allonormative society that says every human must have sexual attraction rewards allosexual people for experiencing sexual attraction and demonises asexual people for having little to none. There's some limits to this spectrum as a framework (not every non-asexual person has sex, having experiences that would overlap with asexuals and there's contexts where non-ace people *do* experience oppression for having sexual attraction e.g. being gay) BUT for the sake of the post let's continue.

If we base ace activism on having sexual attraction and say 'support asexuals because we have sexual attraction just like allosexual people' this can help raise awareness of demi and grey aces and clear up misconceptions about asexuality. But the problem is aces that don't have a lot of sexual attraction won't benefit from this and this framework prioritises being like allosexual people as the main reason to support asexuality, instead of just being ace on its own. Aces that don't have any sexual attraction in common with non-ace people end up left behind and having no support.

BUT if we center aces with 0 sexual attraction and start further back before we go forward, we cover more ground. If we're sharing their stories and promote the idea that sexual attraction isn't a factor at all, that all aces should be supported no matter how much sexual attraction we have including the aces that have the most AND the aces that have none at all then we'll still reach the middle bit AND include more aces on the way.

This is what activists call centering the most marginalised. It doesn't mean the people in the middle don't experience discrimination, but that the people furthest away from the 'most accepted' section will need extra support. If they get left behind, we aren't supporting all aces.

Took me 50 years but I finally finished reading Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Sherronda J Brown so now I can talk thru my thoughts on it properly

Out of all 4 horsemen of ace posting on tumblr.com, the Alastor/Jonathan comparisons are obviously the least "problematic" but idk how to feel. On one hand I don't like topics like rape culture and bodily autonomy being reduced down to fandom shit and it's like if someone tagged my posts about racism with #miles morales. On my forehead idk what they're talking about cus I don't watch the shows they're tagging and I'd rather eat a jean jacket than watch a v*vzip*p show. But on the other hand it's kinda adorable how baby gen zs and gen alphas can point out multiple examples of ace representation cus most of us growing up only had like, Sheldon or something. If the kids can actually understand compulsory sexuality and the impacts on wider society from TV show discourse maybe I can't be a full hater of that idk...

'Lesbianism isn't about holding hands it's about lesbian sex!' For lesbians on the asexual spectrum, lesbians with sexual trauma, lesbians with physical sexual conditions and lesbians who just don't want to for their own reasons, lesbianism for us can be pretty non-sexual so lesbianism can be about the boring hand holding and vanilla cuddling sometimes actually because everyone's got different experiences and there's room for everyone and that's ok I think.

Me: 'Asexual people should have bodily autonomy when it comes to sex and we shouldn't imply anyone is less than human for not having sex because you don't need to have sex to be human and discriminating against people for being different is wrong and I know that because I'm also Black and a lesbian and discrimination is bad'

The reblogs:

Ace 'positivity' page #22: 'Asexuality is a SPECTRUM asexuals can LOVE SEX and SMUT and KINK and be HORNY yeah some aces are prud- I mean sex repulsed but THEYRE NOT everyone and you really need to know NOT all of us are sexless stereotypes and childish and infantilised we're not all like THAT we're normal and remember not to erase me personally by talking about your own experience that I'm talking over right now #asexuality is valid <3'

'Ally' #7: 'Remember PURITANS suck and they're ruining the community with their PURITAN SANITISATION but asexual people don't suck I guess and I'm bringing up sex negativity rn because I can't tell the difference between that and sex repulsion plus my personal hangups around asexuality but remember that PURITAN-'

Non-ace cishet person: 'My wife is asexual and she won't have sex with me and I'm really hurt because this conversation is actually about me and my need to insert myself but despite her abnormality I still love her and she's not the frigid freak that I thought she was and still think she is but I can try to love her. I'm still learning :('

Stan page: 'This post reminds me of Alastor :D #hazbinhotel #fandom'

Sex repulsed, averse and indifferent asexuals are not harming you just for existing. Sex repulsed, averse and indifferent asexuals are not erasing you just for existing. Sex repulsed, averse and indifferent asexuals aren't stealing your representation just for existing. Sex repulsed, averse and indifferent asexuals are not puritans just for existing. Sex repulsed, averse and indifferent asexuals having the rights to not have sex, asserting indefinite refusal to sex, not having children, relationships and having full bodily doesn't have any negative impact on you.

I will always support sex favourable asexuals. I will always support asexuals right to wear what we want, asexual biological parenthood, asexuals in sex work and asexuals that enjoy sexual activities. To paraphrase Sherronda J Brown, I will always support every queer person's right to be a sexual being. But what I'll never support is compulsory sexuality. To paraphrase the rest of the quote, there must always, always, ALWAYS be the option to say no and the right to affirm that no. I'm noticing pushback from some, not all and i have to stress it's not everyone, sex favourable asexuals for simply asserting that no. This is compulsory sexuality. There's literally no other reason why another asexual in your community not having sex or not wanting to and asserting this makes you so upset. The idea it's sex favourable erasure or worse, puritanism for sex repulsed, averse and indifferent asexuals to state our unconditional right to exist with bodily autonomy including *yours* is compulsory sexuality. And this community isn't going anywhere till this shit is unpacked.

Im not gonna get into how and why I got into the ace community and why i care so much today but there's parts of sex favourable asexuality that I can't acess and parts of sex indifferent and sometimes repulsed asexuality that I need. And when you come to my page to decentre me in my own experience you are adding to the long list of shit in society that already makes sexuality difficult for aces like me.

When you assert that your participation in (heterosexual) sex makes you more normal, valuable or human than my ace experience and that that need to centre that participation you are fundamentally no different to every lesbophobe I've ever met, every Catholic puritan that's fantasised over my reproductive potential & every non ace cishet person that stigmatised my lack of sexual attraction to men.

When you treat me existing as a Black asexual as somehow regressive to your idea of sex positivity, especially as a white or non Black sex favourable ace, and have the need or frankly audacity to 'remind' me about having sex you are no different to every anti black racist ive ever known who claims Black girls are fast, thats shamed the Black girls of my community for having the inappropriate behaviour of wearing clothes on bodies they think aren't suitable and every non ace cishet person that's sexualised me since day.

And when you assert that sex repulsed, averse and indifferent asexuals, heavy on the repulsed, are bad representation, stereotypes, children, emotionless, robotic and sanitised you are fundamentally the same as those puritans you claim we are.

Stepping on the backs of the stereotypes, the childish, the frigid, the prudes, the sexless, the hags, the spinsters and the virgins you hate won't ever make you tall enough to reach the validation you think compulsory sexuality will offer you.

As long you as you have a knee jerk reaction to any repulsion, aversion or indifference alongside asexuality or simple terms, that asexuals being repulsed, indifferent or averse to sex is wrong, are the exact same as the 'allosexuals' you claim to hate on a regular basis.

It worries and pisses me off that i even have to say this but people are putting words in my mouth. Ace community, I mean this in the most direct way possible: Get your fucking shit together.

Merry Christmas.

I'm gonna be completely honest I'm starting to get tired of people going 'aces can have sex' 'asexuality is a SPECTRUM' in my reblogs every time I post about asexuality where I literally haven't implied or said otherwise and I've honestly thought about deleting some of them. Like... I know guys. I know. I'm either speaking on my own experience which isn't sex favourable or from a Black and/or lesbian POV of asexuality which would include sex favourable aces anyway so it should go without saying.

It's getting similar to how I see 'lesbians can have sex with men'. I'm fully aware lesbians have the physical means to do so, but I wouldn't wanna hear that in a lesbian space for centring the experiences of people who don't, especially lesbians who were coerced and/or forced into doing so. As long as lesbophobia exists, that statement can't be neutral and the wider context will always shape how I see it. I don't need to be reminded I can conform to the thing I'm actively going against. I don't want to and I can't.

We can acknowledge how diverse and varied a community is but it's disingenuous to pretend there's a single uniform experience throughout. Going 'everyone is valid' is cute but it doesn't address the specific problem, which is compulsory sexuality. In this case, the constant need to derail sex repulsed, averse and indifferent aces in our own posts and conversations does compulsory sexuality's job for it. I'm reminded of my 'wasted' sexual potential on a regular basis I don't need my own community doing it too.

As respectfully as possible, not every single asexual post is gonna personally represent you. I don't go into aro spaces and expect to be centred or represented because those weren't made for me and that's okay. Asexuality is a wide spectrum with lots of sides. I'm not part of all those sides and that's okay.

There's this cognitive dissonance where despite asexuals being such a tiny part of the population, 'justifying' compulsory sexuality because there aren't 'enough' of us to change the idea every human is a sexual being even when we're living proof that's not the case, there's a constant need to reinforce it even though it's the 'norm'.

I keep noticing the constant affirmations we have to keep telling non-ace people in conversations and spaces originally meant for ourselves, that asexual partners can fail to meet the sexual needs of non-ace people, that sex is a part of the human experience, that our needs aren't the same as most people, even though cisheterosexual society reaffirms this on the regular (for cishet people) and ace spaces are essentially the only spaces that exist to decentre this (and no, monasteries don't count). We have to keep distancing ourselves from sexual puritanism because it's assumed to be innate to us even though the lawmakers and politicians controlling sex in media, birth control, abortion, marriage rights and the idea of sexuality in society are not asexual. We have to remind people we're safe as if our little to no sexual attraction and/or activity is inherently a danger even though puritans harm us too because they don't support asexuality either. Whenever there's an ace of multiple identities there are instant calls to remind people not to desexualise, infantilise or sanitise marginalised people and remind people of the 'inherent' sexuality of these groups, that '[label here] fucks too!1' even though, representation for gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, disabled and POC on mass has rarely included asexuality in the first place. Despite being a teeny part of the human population, being 'abnormal', 'gender ideology' and a 'chronically online tumblr teen' phenomenon that has no real meaning in the real world, it's strong enough to cause this level of defensiveness. Some people are deeply threatened, disturbed and uncomfortable by a tiny minority solely on the basis that it's visible and existing.

And this is why I call asexuality queer and will keep doing so and idc who's pissed about it lol

Asexual theory 101

Right I keep getting asked on most of my asexual posts 'What does this mean OP? Where's the sources?' so imma make a quick ace theory 101 post so if anyone says they don't get it I can say I tried. Let's go:

'What does being ace have to do with race/racism?/There's racism in the ace community???'

Pretty much everything as people of colour experience various forms of sexualisation and desexualisation at the same time, which is why POC are rarely included in asexual representation:

Asexuals of Color Still Seek to Validate Their Asexuality by Ebony Purks

Stereotypes & media about Black masculinity made it harder to come out as asexual by Tyger Songbird

Your Assumptions About Black Queer Masculinity Are Erasing My Asexual Identity by Timinepre Cole

It's Time To Start Celebrating Black Asexuality in Media By Tyger Songbird

Yasmin Benoit: ‘People had a hard time believing that I could be Black and asexual and at Pride’ by Alastair James

Brown and Gray: An Asexual People of Color Zine

'What do TERFS/transphobia have to do with asexuality?'

There's a growing TERF conspiracy theory that asexuality is the side-effect of transitioning. The LGB movement believes the community is exclusively for 'same-sex attracted persons' and so identities that don't involve attraction e.g. the TQIA should be removed. Most backlash towards Yasmin Benoit, aroace activist, is from white TERFs and conservatives:

Acephobic conspiracy theories have transphobic and fascist roots by Sherronda J Brown

'But how can conservatives hate asexuality if they hate sex?'

Because they don't and never did. If the term 'puritan' was used correctly in modern internet discourse, it would be known Christian puritans believe heterosexual sex for reproduction is a gift from god and mandatory so being asexual doesn't exactly fit with that worldview. Their beef is with any form of sex and sexuality that falls outside of cis heterosexual marriage, including asexuality. They're not anti sex but anti sexual autonomy:

"Anti-Sex" and the Real Sexual Politics of the Right by Lee Cicuta (ButchAnarchy)

The religious right is now targeting sexless marriages as “selfishness.” They Want to Ban Those Too by Tyger Songbird

Asexual people targetted by right-wing pundits following landmark report by Harriet Brewis

'What does being ace have to do with gender?'

It's commonly assumed that because patriarchy shames women's sexualities and considers all men's sexuality as biological and unavoidable, that ace women only and exclusively experience dsexualisation whilst ace men only and exclusively are pressured into being sexual beings. This can true as a broad overview but it can vary based on race, disability, class etc. This also becomes complex for asexuals that exist outside the gender binary. This is known as 'gender detachment'.

Impossible for Men, Unremarkable for Women by Canton Winer

My Work on Gender Detachment and Asexuality Strikes a Nerve by Canton Winer

'There's asexual studies now?'

Yup. On the general experiences of asexual people in the UK, including discrimination in education, the workplace and healthcare:

The National LGBT Survey (2018)

Ace in the UK Report (2023)

Specific names:

Asexual theorists: Ianna Hawkins, Michael Paramo, Julia Sondra Decker, Canton Winer (non-ace), Sherronda J Brown, Angela Chen

Asexual activists: Yasmin Benoit, Tyger Songbird, Marshall Blount (TheGentleAce), Kimberly Butler (TheAsexualGoddess)

And I'm gonna update this with more if they're worth adding. I don't wanna hear any excuses anymore or blame towards aces of colour, gay aces or trans aces for not being specific enough anymore. Read!

I don't believe in calling any of my posts about asexuality ace discourse because I don't believe any identity or the right to bodily autonomy is up for debate. I'm not posing an argument for if asexuality should exist or should be represented in that or called queer over there I'm saying it should, it is and does unconditionally and I don't believe in any marginalised group debating their right to exist because they will whether you want to or not I hope that helps!