Want to Change the Behaviour of the Other Person in a Conflict? According to Our Brain, We Need to Start with Ourselves

Conflicts, whether in personal relationships or professional settings, are an inevitable part of life. When faced with conflict, the natural inclination might be to try to change the other person's behaviour or hope that somehow, they will change their behaviour on their own.

However, neuroscience and psychology suggest a counterintuitive approach: to change someone else's behaviour, we must first change our own. This principle is grounded in the understanding of the human brain function, emotional regulation, and social interaction.

The Neuroscience of Conflict

The human brain is wired to react to threats, including social threats like conflict, with a "fight or flight" response. The amygdala, a small, almond-shaped set of neurons, plays a crucial role in processing emotions, especially fear and anger. When triggered, the amygdala can hijack our rational thinking, leading to reactive and often unproductive behaviours.

However, the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, planning, and self-control, can regulate these emotional responses. By engaging our prefrontal cortex, we can calm our amygdala and respond more thoughtfully rather than reactively.

Emotional Contagion and Mirror Neurons

One of the key reasons changing our behavior can influence others is the concept of emotional contagion. Emotional contagion refers to the phenomenon where emotions can spread from one person to another, like a cold. This is partly facilitated by mirror neurons, which are brain cells that respond both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else perform the same action. These neurons help us understand and mimic the emotions and actions of others, fostering empathy and social bonding.

When we manage our emotions and remain calm in a conflict, we can positively influence the emotional state of the other person. Our calmness can help soothe their amygdala, reducing their defensive or aggressive responses. Essentially, by regulating our emotions, we create a space where the other person can do the same.

Five Practical Strategies for Changing Our Behaviour

These approaches can enable us to achieve that change:

1. Self-Awareness and Mindfulness: Recognize our emotional triggers and practice mindfulness to stay grounded during conflicts. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or simply pausing before responding can help activate our prefrontal cortex and reduce impulsive reactions.

2. Engaged and Focused Listening: Show genuine interest in the other person’s perspective. Engaged and focused listening involves paying full attention, reflecting back what was heard. This can not only de-escalate tension, it can also encourage reciprocal behaviour.

3. Non-verbal Communication: Our body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions significantly impact how our message is received. Maintaining open and reassuring body language can help reduce defensiveness and build rapport.

4. Empathy and Validation: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and experiences without necessarily agreeing with them. Empathy fosters connection and reduces the sense of threat, making it easier for the other person to consider your perspective.

5. Resolution using an Interest-based Approach: Rather than assigning blame, focus instead on meeting each other’s interests to shared issues or problems. Collaborative resolution of interests encourages mutual respect and cooperation.

The Science Behind the Strategies

Research supports the idea that our behaviour can influence others in conflict situations. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that emotional regulation strategies, like reappraisal (rethinking a situation to change its emotional impact), can improve interpersonal interactions by reducing negative emotions and increasing positive responses.

Another study in NeuroImage – A Journal of Brain Function highlighted how mindfulness training, which enhances emotional regulation, can alter brain activity associated with emotional processing. Participants who practiced mindfulness showed reduced activation in the amygdala and increased activation in the prefrontal cortex, suggesting better emotional control and resilience.

In Summary

During the heat of conflict, it’s tempting to try to change the other person's behaviour directly. However, neuroscience reveals that the most effective way to influence others is by first managing our own reactions. By regulating our emotions, demonstrating empathy, and engaging in constructive communication, we create an environment that encourages positive behavioural changes in others.

The next time we find ourselves in a conflict it is important to remember that “the change in others starts with the change in us”.