Sadness is a valid reason for sick leave

The sent mail read, “Hello boss, I am not feeling well. Taking the day off. The projects are on track. Will give an update tomorrow. Thanks.”

What the sent mail didn’t say:

“Hello boss, I wish I could tell you that I am not sick. I am just sad. Yes, it may make no sense, but something triggered my anxiety yesterday. I thought a good night’s sleep will shake it off. It didn’t. I woke up dejected. Overwhelmed by questions about life and loss. Pure existential nihilism. I don’t know why.

There’s no family emergency. I was not feeling feverish. I just hope it was something more believable. Something I can point my fingers at. But here I am… wrapped in my blanket and my sadness, and I can’t move a muscle. My sight is hazy because the tears just won’t stop. The overcast weather isn’t helping. Why does the sun never come up when you need it the most?

I love my job. My colleagues are great. I like coming to the office. But today I just can’t. Today, I have no capacity to write business copies. I will rather write love letters that I will never send. I will write apology letters that I will never send. Today, I will battle with memories that choose a few very specific days to haunt me. I am sorry it turned out to be a Monday. I wish I can control it.

I went out on the weekend, had some great food, shopped for new pair of shoes and tees, and came home to watch some brilliant movies with some fine wine. I avoided sadness as much as I could, but it caught me. It always does when it aims to. And since then, nothing is making sense, nothing is making me smile, not even my own jokes. A strange sense of emptiness has engulfed me. Can you believe that? I couldn’t carry this sad soul to the office. I am no medical expert in melancholy, but sadness is contagious. Even the best shave and face massage fail to mask it. People see and then they sympathize. I can’t come to the office to collect sympathies. I come there to fish for compliments. I can't come as I have a reputation to save.

Do you feel like that sometimes or are certain designations more immune to sadness? Funny thing is that I have no reasons to be sad. I have everything, well almost. And still, I am taking the day off to sulk and wallow in self-pity. It doesn’t sound right. This privilege is nauseating. A daily wage worker can’t afford to do it. His family will miss their next meal. And I am binge-eating on paid leave. Shame! 

Sit-ups, pushups, or even doing the dishes and laundry didn’t help. Today, I can’t see anything beautiful in life. My mind has made up its mind. It wants to suffer today. Nothing can distract it. You would wish it uses the same strength to focus on work, at times. Me too, boss. I have written a mail to my stakeholders as well informing them about my absence today as I deal with this inexplicable, unwanted, paralyzing, maddening mess.

Also, just wanted to give you a heads-up. There will be more days like this in the future, hopefully not more than the company-allotted leaves annually. I might seek therapy if it gets worse. I am confident of getting better at being braver. Have faith that work will not suffer. But these days are important to let the sadness bleed out and die before another clot forms. What's the catchphrase? Ah yes, mental health and wellness.

The world is yet to accept that it’s okay for grown men to be weak, weak enough to take a leave to overcome sadness. That they might order a blueberry cheesecake too after having biryani and beer for lunch. I know you are better and that you will understand if I told you everything.

Nonetheless, I will see you tomorrow without the Monday morning blues. And you will ask me if I am better. And the answer invariably will be yes.

Thank you for accepting my ‘sick’ leave application.

Regards,

A very sad me