Give a man a fish, or teach a man to coach?
Mia O'Gorman
Executive Coach | Coaching Supervisor & Educator | Coaching Director at the Thinkstitute | Leadership Consultant
In a coaching workshop learning review, a participant shared a powerful insight: “I’ve just realised – this programme is called ‘Coaching with Emotional Intelligence’ and you mean coaching with your own Emotional Intelligence… the tools and models are useful but it’s really about using my EI when I’m coaching!”
A moment’s contemplation was broken by raucous laughter round the room, full of warmth and empathy for a challenge every coach faces: how to deploy knowledge and techniques without disrupting the coaching relationship, the human connection that enables learning and change. The laughter reflected a shared experience – having introduced a structure for coaching conversations, we provided cards with example questions. Despite everyone’s agreement these served best as a support rather than a constraint, the temptation of over-using the knowledge and cards led some astray. Much was learned about staying present, listening fully and coaches trusting themselves to ask questions spontaneously – to use their Emotional Intelligence.
Ashridge Business School research similarly highlights the importance of the coaching relationship. Investigating what determines the helpfulness of coaching, “quality of the relationship” is identified as a core factor (de Haan et al 2011). Behaviourally, clients found listening, understanding and encouragement most valuable, especially early on when the relationship is forming. A subsequent study reinforces that the working alliance is significantly related to the coaching outcome (de Haan et al 2013). These papers also note that skilfully deploying the right techniques at the right time, and the coach’s breadth of interventions, do positively impact helpfulness; however for clients, the relationship is the priority.
How then can all of us as coaches apply our Emotional Intelligence, form quality coaching relationships and skilfully deploy techniques?
There is no single answer, however my experience is that effective coaching principles are a great help. From developing more than 1,000 people as coaches we have distilled seven coaching principles, aligned to JCA’s model of Emotional Intelligence which informs all our work with leaders, teams and organisations:
- Recognise the value you bring as a coach
- Believe in your coachees and their potential
- Be aware of yourself
- Build the coaching relationship
- Act intentionally and in service
- Promote accountability and personal growth
- Reflect on your practice
Such principles underpin technique, guide reflection-in-action and act as a compass for navigating coaching conversations. For example, our principles around relationship, service and value remind us that a thoughtful, empathetic question emerging a little clumsily far outweighs the most artful, pre-prepared question that jars rapport or doesn’t meet the client’s need.
It’s valuable for everyone to consider:
- What principles do you work to, as a coach or as a leader?
- How do your principles serve you, those you work with, and your shared goals?
Reflecting on our teaching practice, we recognized we’d given out the cards too soon – paraphrasing the saying ‘to give a man a fish feeds him for a day but to teach a man to fish feeds him for a lifetime’, we unintentionally provided a tasty catch that overtook participants’ experience testing their own rods in coaching’s flowing waters. We had shared in the relationship-technique dilemma!
Socrates wrote “I cannot teach anyone anything, I can only make them think“. My sincerest wish is that our principles continue helping our community of coaches to think, to use our EI, and to fish out our best coaching from within ourselves.
Curious about how you can apply these principles in your own coaching practice? Join our free webinar ‘Value and Belief: attitudes for Coaching with Emotional Intelligence’ on Monday 14 November, 15.00-16.00, hosted by Mia O’Gorman and Miriam McCallum.