Taking the long view. Recently, I dropped my son and new daughter-in-law off at the airport here in San Diego, then went to nearby Harbor Island. This is a two-mile-long peninsula, actually, on San Diego Harbor. And it's completely man-made. It was created by dredging the harbor, which also made for a deeper harbor for Naval ships and cruise ships coming into the harbor, and completed in 1961. i was there during its creation, an 8-year-old boy visiting his grandfather. He had a security patrol company, and had the contract to provide security for the location during non-work hours. When I first went there, it was a very unremarkable small patch of land with an equipment shed. Now, however, its two-mile length is populated by several marinas which harbor thousands of small boats, as well as several restaurants, two high-rise hotels, and Harbor Island Drive Park. It is amazing what changes have been made, and what has been built, in 62 years. As I sat on a bench on that recent warm, sunny San Diego afternoon, watching the sailboats and jet skis passing by, I started thinking about what those 62 years represented in my life. What was the difference between that 8 year old boy and this 70 year old man? What changes had taken place? How had I grown? I realized that I, too, had grown immensely over those decades. How much have you grown over the past 50 or 60 years? Take a few minutes to think about that, and to appreciate it. Be grateful for who you've become, and strive to continue to become the best version of yourself. And keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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Talk to strangers! Remember when you were a child and your mother warned you, "Don't talk to strangers"?. Well, you're not a child anymore and you're no longer stuck with that rule. In past columns, I talked about getting together with friends and spending time with them, socializing. That's important, I said, because we're social animals. I'd like to expand that concept now to strangers. You can form a bond, no matter how temporary, with someone you don't know. My wife, Cheri, is great at this. It's something that comes naturally to her. She'll strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone she encounters. What I discovered early on in our marriage was that people like it! Not long ago, we were in San Francisco and we walked up to a street corner to wait for a street car and she started talking to one of the couples standing there (while I took pictures of the nearby architecture, which is more my style.) Within a few minutes she knew where they lived, what they were doing in San Francisco, how long they had been married, and she was dispensing advice on keeping a marriage fresh. Since we've been happily married for 44 years, she has a good basis for that advice. Not only did they seem to appreciate the conversation and advice, but when they left, the woman in the other couple waiting there commented on how much she had appreciated hearing it. A bond was formed, and it was clear that everyone's life was enriched by the encounter. Next time you find yourself standing next to a stranger, try talking to them. You never know what might come of it, and I promise you won't get in trouble with your mother! Let us know how it goes. In the meantime, keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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Don't be a victim! One of the things that I see people, particularly in our age group, doing, is allowing themselves to think of themselves as victims. They look at life as something that happens to them, and that the events that they have no control over, control them. That's what I call the "victim mentality". Maybe you know someone like that. They don't like their life, but it's not their fault. There's nothing they can do about it, after all. My recent columns have talked about a different view of life, one that says that you have choices you can make. You can choose what to focus on, you can choose what meaning those things have to you, you can choose the language you use to describe them. Ultimately, you can choose your own mindset Yes, bad things happen, and they may happen to you, just as they've happened to me. The trick, though, is to choose to not let those things define you, but to take control and define yourself, decide what the best version of yourself would look like, and then choose to take action to become that person. One of my favorite quotes is this one from Teddy Roosevelt, about "The Man in the Arena": “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Don't be a victim. Be a victor! In the meantime, keep telling yourself: "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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Old, older, oldest! Cheri and I spent a day this past weekend with my mother-in-law and my father-in-law, who are both in their 90’s, twenty years older than us. My mother-in-law is still doing well, although she suffers from what has been called “long COVID”, so her stamina is a bit reduced. She also is a bit less focused and decisive than she used to be. We were there helping them to pack and move, because she was, as she said, “stuck” and having a hard time figuring out what to do next. My father-in-law, on the other hand, is not doing well. He has Parkinsons, is wheelchair-bound and suffers from severe cognitive impairment. You can have a simple conversation with him, but he doesn’t really understand where he is or what is going on around him. This situation had an interesting impact on me, because of how I looked at the differences in our ages, 70’s to 90’s. I felt a great deal of empathy for my mother-in-law because, although I feel like I am in generally better shape physically and mentally than she is, it wasn’t a stretch to understand her situation. In fact, when it came time to do some work under our bathroom sink, I asked my son, who is in his 40’s, to be the one to get down on the floor and work under the sink. He said yes, “I’m a bit more flexible.” Then he joked that if he was having trouble with it, he would ask my grandson to do it, “Pass it down a generation!”. Watching my father-in-law, however . . . worried me. I couldn’t help wondering if this was my future. Honestly, he doesn’t have much quality of life and I would hate to end up like that in twenty years. I’ve been thinking about their lifestyle—diet, exercise, personal development actions--and working on developing a better lifestyle, that would help protect me from ending up like him. As always, I am working on taking this negative situation and using it as an inspiration to take action, to help me become a better version of myself. How about you? Are there people in your life, older than you, that you can look to as an example of what to avoid—or maybe people you can use as a good example? I look at Dr. Ron Kaiser, for example, who is about 10 years older than me, and see a strong, healthy, bright man who is working to inspire the rest of us to age well. Give some thought to the oldest among you and see what you can learn from them. In the meantime, remember to keep telling yourself— "I'm Never Done Growing!" --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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FATHERS AND SONS This past weekend, Labor Day weekend, I had the opportunity to reflect on the relationship between fathers and sons. Cheri and I were in Utah, attending the baby shower for our youngest son and his wife. It was also the gender reveal celebration, and they’re going to have a son! That, of course, put me in mind of the relationship my son will have with his son. We also had the great bounty of being able to help our kids, who are struggling a bit financially, including taking them on a grocery shopping trip so we could fill their refrigerator and pantry. That got me thinking about the financial struggles Cheri and I had had in our early days, and I was very grateful to be in the position to help out this way. That also got me thinking about my father. My parents had divorced when I was very young, a baby in fact, and I did not have much of a relationship with my father. I was thinking of a particular incident early in our marriage when Cheri and I were struggling to feed four children, and my father, to my surprise, offered to send us some money. The money never came and when we asked him about it he said he changed his mind. I've always resented him for that. Standing in that grocery store, watching our kids filling four grocery baskets, I thought about what a difference it would have made for us to have been on the receiving end of that sort of generosity back then. The next day, I pondered this subject some more. No, my father wasn’t the father to me that I was to my three sons (and three daughters). But Cheri reminded me that when we first got married, we swore to each other that we would be better parents than the parents we had. Isn’t that part of what made me the father that I am? That also helped me realize that my father didn’t have the kind of wife that I had, the kind that helped me grow into a generous person. He didn’t have a lot of the resources and benefits that I had. He was doing the best he had with what he had to work with. So I forgave my father. I said a prayer for him, as my Faith teaches us to do for our parents. And I felt a great weight lift from my shoulders. This follows on to my experience back in July when I celebrated my late mother’s 100th birthday, and recognized all that I had learned from her, and let go of some of the resentments I had held on to, about her. How do you feel about your parents? Do you have any lingering feelings of resentment or lack there? Maybe you should try looking at them in a new light, and realize they were only human, and doing the best they could with what they had to work with. In the meantime, remember to keep telling yourself, “I’m Never Done Growing!” --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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I was recently interviewed by Greg Payne for his The Cool Grandpa Podcast, and we talked about my living in a multi-generational household. I think you'll find it interesting!
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DON'T MISS OUT! I've written before about the fact that a number of people I know have passed away recently. The two funerals I recently attended taught me several things. What I want to share with you now is what I learned about missing out on knowing people. I didn’t know either of the men who passed away very well, even though I had known them for a long time. One of them, Phil, was a member of our religious community, and I had known him for over 50 years. The other man was my cousin, my first cousin, David, so I had known him all my life. As I sat at Phil's “celebration of life" (which is how we tend to treat such things in the Baha'i Faith) and listened to people talk about what a wonderful person he was, I began to regret not having gotten to know him better. As they talked about their experiences with him, I thought, “I could have had experiences like that too!”. The next Saturday, I was at my cousin David's funeral, celebrated as a Mass at the Catholic Church he attended. This was a different sort of commemoration, with more prayers, scriptures and singing than stories from his life. Nevertheless, this feeling of having missed knowing someone deepened. In this case, as I met relatives I had never met before (including David's wife), I began to feel almost embarrassed to admit I barely knew him. He was my cousin, after all. How could I not know him? When his wife asked me to tell her stories about him, I didn’t have any! After the funeral, and at the reception, I was visiting with David's sister, my other cousin, and thinking about the fact that I really hadn't spent much time with her, or gotten to know her, either. It was at that point that I moved from regret to action. This cousin was still alive, and I could change this. I talked to her about what I was feeling, and we decided to take action, to form a plan to get to know each other. It would take some effort because she lives across the country now (oh, those lost years when I could have so easily driven to her house!) but we made a plan, and we will take action on that plan, and we will get to know each other. Are you missing opportunities to get to know the people around you better? You might want to give some thought to the consequences of that, and take action to change that. In the meantime, remember to tell yourself— “I’m Never Done Growing!” #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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TWO FUNERALS AND A WEDDING Recently, it seems that a number of people that I know have passed away, or have relatives who have passed away. I know that's not uncommon for people in our age group, so I want to share my thoughts about that with you. I suppose it started with the commemoration of my mother's 100th birthday. She passed away in 2001, but would have been 100 on July 24, 2024. That got me thinking about my own mortality. Her generation in my family is now gone, putting me at "the head of the line" so to speak. I did write about that some time ago when my last uncle passed away, but this brought it fresh to my mind. Last Saturday, Cheri and I attended a "celebration of life" for a friend of ours. He was only four years older than me, which really emphasized those thoughts. As I sat there listening to the many expressions of admiration for him, it also got me thinking about my legacy, what I would leave behind me, what people would remember about me. Next Saturday is the funeral for my cousin, who was actually several years younger than me. It's difficult not to have a countdown timer in mind at these times. I'm 71. I can reasonably expect to make it to my 90's. The math tells me that I can expect about another 20 years of active life. That's not very much time! Or....what can you do in 20 years? One tool I have created for my students is the Slice of Life Tool, which guides them to see what they have been able to accomplish in the past in a 10 or 20 year period. It is very instructive, because it gives you an understanding of what you could accomplish in the next 10 or 20 years. For example, travel is very important to me. In 20 years, I could travel the world, and see all of the places I've ever wanted to see. On the other hand, realizing I have only 20 years left, makes me realize that I don't have forever and I need to start travelling. It also causes me to think about my legacy, what I am going to leave behind and what people will remember about me. I need to put more work into creating that legacy. And, the wedding. The Saturday after next, friends of ours are getting married, and that is a reminder not only of the joyous occasions in our lives, but also a reminder that life goes on. Weddings, births, birthdays, family gatherings--these are all part of the natural order of life as much as are funerals. There is a balance to be found here, I believe. That is particularly true if you can use these milestones, not to create a feeling of loss or dread, but to create a feeling of appreciation and motivation. In the meantime, remember to tell yourself— “I’m Never Done Growing!” #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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A NEW APPROACH TO GRATITUDE—LOOK FOR MIRACLES! I meditate every morning and I follow a gratitude practice. Both of these practices are an important part of preparing myself for the day. Jay Shetty refers to your morning meditation as “putting on armor” to face the challenges of the day. Tony Robbins says, about gratitude, “When you are grateful, fear disappears, and abundance appears.” This past Sunday morning, those two practices coincided to give me a new insight. I was in a guided meditation about gratitude, and the facilitator brought up the idea of being mindful throughout your day of things to be grateful for. “Miracles are everywhere” was the message. This was a valuable new insight for me. Typically, my gratitude practice involves calling to mind something I have already experienced, and then feeling grateful for that. This new approach called for me to be acutely aware of what I was experiencing throughout the day and to be on the lookout for new things to be grateful for, for “miracles”. I tried out this new approach when I was having lunch in my backyard later that day. Looking around, I noticed a beautiful spray of flowers (in the picture) that had been growing and multiplying over the last few days. The miracle part of this, besides their beauty, was that we hadn’t planted those flowers. They had sprung from the ground on their own, seemingly from nothing, and were at the end of this tall, leafless stalk that bore no resemblance to anything else in the yard! A minor miracle, to be sure, but worth acknowledging and feeling grateful for, nonetheless. There it was--something new to be grateful for! Try this yourself. Today, keep an eye out for miracles. And when you spot one, acknowledge it and feel grateful for it. In the meantime, remember to tell yourself— “I’m Never Done Growing!” #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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TELL THE WORLD THEY'RE WRONG! Cheri and I like to watch stand-up comedy specials on TV, and Tom Segura is one we often enjoy. (Sometimes he’s too raunchy and we turn him off.) One night we were watching one of his specials from a few years back, and he hit one of my hot buttons—the way society views people in our age group. He had a long section in his routine where he talked about his parents, who were in their seventies at the time. The basic message was “If you haven’t done something by the time you reach 70, you aren’t going to.” The audience had a great time laughing at the "old people"! Now, I understand that he’s a comedian and exaggeration is one of their techniques, but this is exactly the sort of thing I’m talking about when I say that society views us as being done with life and that we aren’t capable of growing, learning or doing anything new and different. This affects the expectations that younger people have of us, which affects our interactions with them. I once asked our group the question, “You know you’re being treated like a ‘senior” when (fill in the blank). The answers I got were very instructive—and dismaying!: “The retail assistants no longer make eye contact with you, but now speak to your adult child who is accompanying you.” “When restaurant staff squat down to talk to you when they're taking your order like you're deaf or thick!” Those interactions can have an impact on our view of ourselves—and that’s the most dangerous aspect of this, in my opinion. My studies of mindset tell me that how we view ourselves has a very strong impact on us—it can even affect our bodies and our health. If you tell yourself you're too old, then you will be too old. If, instead, you realize that you have decades of productive life ahead of you and you could start, and be successful in, a whole new career, or whatever success means to you, then that's what you'll do. Here's my advice—ignore the people telling you that you’re old! Stand up tall and tell them-- “I’m Never Done Growing!” --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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THE DANGERS OF LEARNED HELPLESSNESS! I recently had a lesson in how easy it is to take on a belief in my own inability. About a month and a half ago, I broke my foot competing in a martial arts tournament. (Despite that, I completed my match and won a silver medal, with a foot broken in two places.) Because of that, I had to wear an orthopedic boot for six weeks and could not go to kung fu practice. It was awkward walking around with that thing on, throwing off my balance and making walking tiring. It did not, however, keep me from any exercise. There were many forms of exercise that it didn’t interfere with at all. Despite that, when my doctor finally told me my foot was healed and the boot was off forever, I looked back and realized that I hadn’t exercised at all for six weeks, not even the things I could have done. Why not? I spent some time thinking about it, and I realized that this injury, and the boot, had changed my view of myself. For that span of time, I did not see myself as athletic and capable, but injured and limited. Looking back, it was amazing to realize how fast, and how easy, that change in self-perception had occurred. This was a great lesson for me. I see now how easy it was to put myself into a limited category, and I realize that I need to be ever more vigilant to resist that kind of process. We all are subjected to things happening to our physical selves from time to time—illness, injuries, things of that nature. When that happens, we have to be very careful not to allow a temporary or partial disability to overwhelm our sense of ourselves, like I did. Focus on what you still can do, not what you can’t, and take action to do those things. Watch out for the trap of learned helplessness. You’ll get plenty of support from society for falling into the trap, so you have to work hard to protect yourself from it. And remember to always tell yourself— “I’m Never Done Growing!” --Doug Sohn #success #successmindset #successaftersixty
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