10 hacks to land a high-paying data analyst job in record time:
1. Become literal best friends with Mark Zuckerberg.
If you’re really best friends, giving you a data analyst job is the least Mark can do.
2. Lobby congress to pass a law that gives you the right to any data analyst job you want.
I mean, there are worse things being lobbied for in Congress.
3. Blackmail a recruiter.
You’re an awful person if you do this, but if you can photograph a recruiter breaking a law, you’ve got yourself a job!
4. Invent a new, better version of Microsoft Excel called Microsoft Excellenter that automatically cleans data, responds to emails, and gives out snacks.
Someone would surely hire you for this.
5. Teach Alex the Analyst to ride a bike.
This would of course require Alex not knowing how to ride a bike, but if he doesn’t and you teach him, he’d owe you BIG TIME.
6. Marry a hiring manager.
Not giving you a job will cause huge problems in a marriage; it’s just easier for the hiring manager to give you a job.
7. Start a data analytics agency that promises an ROI of 1,000% or your money back.
A company would be stupid to turn this down. Now, all you have to do is give them a 1,000% ROI, and you’re golden.
8. Give me $1,000,000.
If you give me a million dollars, I will spend every waking hour getting you your first data analyst job.
9. Work 10 data analyst jobs for free for a week.
After a week, you’ll go from no experience to 10 jobs of experience! (Just leave the employment dates off your resume.)
10. Be born with 3-5 years of experience.
This one is hard, but this will come in handy for all those “entry-level” jobs that require such experience.
Do any of these steps and you’ll have your first data job in no time.
Now, only one question remains:
Alex, can you ride a bike?
#dataanalytics #dataanalyst #satire #breakintotech #SatireAgainJustToBeClear
Political Scientist and Data Analyst
1moI applied, thanks for sharing and I hope to hear from you soon!