Ryan Dunlap

It's important to understand the difference between a boundary and a barrier. Many times, in an attempt to preserve our own peace of mind and well-being, we can inadvertently erect barriers between ourselves and others that we call boundaries. While boundaries serve an important role in ensuring that we maintain healthy relationships, margin, and protect our personal space, barriers can isolate us and hinder meaningful connections and progress. Remember, boundaries are guidelines we set for ourselves about how we want to be engaged. It's a gate for others to walk through, not a wall to separate them from you.

As individuals, we each maintain different levels of "uncertainty avoidance." Essentially, we don't all have the same appetite or tolerance for uncertainty. For those on the lower end of this spectrum, the need for support, assuarnaces, and psychological safety will be greater. Without it, buy-in will be lower and resistance will be higher. This is where empathic listening can help. Even when certainty can't be given, greater clarity surrounding hypothetical unknowns can be. Taking the time to address the hypothetical concerns and fears someone has can reduce their anxiousness and move them from resistant to cautious, and from cautious to optimistic.

One of the biggest mistakes we make as leaders when navigating change is withholding communication due to a lack of certainty. There is a sense that sharing uncertain information may only add to employee anxiety and that leaders will be locked into a message that will inevitably change. In reality, employees aren't looking for certainty; they are looking for clarity. That looks like communicating direction even when you have no destination, or sharing starting points even when you have no end-point. This is where trust, confidence, and buy-in come from. It doesn't come from leaders guaranteeing a way through change. It comes from a leader's openness, transparency, and willingness to navigate the unknown together with their team.

One of the worst ways to approach conflict is to assume that there is one way to approach conflict. Conflict resolution is complex and intricate, but we almost always attempt to address it one-dimensionally. The real key to effective conflict resolution is taking a pain inventory and prioritizing the pain of all affected. For example, one party's pain priority may be a strained relationship, but the other party's pain priority may be their own strong emotions. By taking a pain inventory, we can better choose an approach to conflict that is prescriptive, and not presumptuous.

What few people consider is that the people who are forced to use de-escalation techniques during domestic violence are usually the victims of said violence. Said another way, emotionally vulnerable people are required to be emotionally competent in the presence of their abusers for any of these techniques to work well. And that's unfortunate because that means they have to be able to acknowledge the feelings of an abuser who can't acknowledge theirs. The truth is, you can't de-escalate others until you're able to de-escalate yourself. So more than anything, the most important skills to deploy during domestic violence are self-affirmation, self-care, self-awareness, self-confidence, self-control, self-preservation, and self-love.

De-escalation techniques become necessary when wrestling with B.E.A.Rs; people who are belligerent, emotional, angry, aggressive, and revenge-seeking. People in this state are unable to be reasonable or rational, and they rarely desire peace. Accordingly, de-escalation can move them from emotional limbic processing to rational pre-frontal thinking. That's where they have to be in order to get them calm. There are countless de-escalation strategies that can be deployed, but most people find it difficult to recall them while under pressure. Therefore, the simplest practices to consider would be demonstrating empathy, deep listening, and metered communication when navigating violent situations.