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HarryWarden
Reviews
Cthulhu (2007)
Lovecraft done right!
The best way to describe CTHULHU is "Kiyoshi Kurosawa's Shadow Over Innsmouth." It's a very deliberately-paced movie with long, moody takes and an emphasis on character drama. This film is a completely love-it-or-hate-it affair. People expecting gore and monsters will be disappointed, but art-house horror fans and David Lynch lovers will be in pure bliss.
H.P. fanatics will argue the merits of this one, but the filmmakers are the first to nail the bizarre fever-dream aspect of Lovecraft's writings. There's a lot of nightmarish imagery and nothing is explained or resolved by the end. And while this is a very loose adaptation, there are plenty of nods to the Cthluhu mythos to keep fans happy.
The acting is a little uneven and there are times when the movie feels TOO disjointed, but this cerebral effort is still the closest we've come to seeing true Lovecraft captured on film. Those sick of Stuart Gordon's camp-fests, will find much to love about Cthulhu.
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
X-Men. Out with a flush.
What a depressing experience.
The big final showdown of an epic story...and I felt NOTHING. Not one little stir of emotion. This film was exactly what we all feared it was going to be: No tact, no style, no substance. It's just sad that such a wonderful intelligent series had to deteriorate into a hollow studio FX show. Mr Ratner, you certainly lived up to our low expectations.
Every frame of this film feels rushed. A slew of characters were killed and cured, and I didn't even bat an eyelash. Ideas are barely explored and none of the characters get any real focus. Aside from Wolvy, Storm, and Magneto, every mutant feels like an obligatory cameo. All the actors, save for Ian McKellen, act out-of-character and hurry through their lines like they just want to get out of the movie.
To be fair, this isn't entirely Ratner's fault. It took everybody working together to screw this one up. The script is atrocious. The dialogue is flat out embarrassing - it's almost all composed of badly-timed puns and quips, and some unintentionally hilarious lines ("She was sealed up in a cocoon of energy."). The mutant cure is barely explored and nothing that was set up in the previous two films ever really amount to anything.
There's a sense that Fox controlled everything here and used everyone involved as their puppets to milk the fans of their cash. This is not the X-Men we know and love.
I saw this with a packed house at the Mann's Chinese in Hollywood. The theater was full of screaming X-fans and the excitement level was over-the-top. Five minutes into the film, it was dead, as if a giant vacuum had sucked all life from the theater. The "Snakes on a Plane" trailer (which was more brilliant than anything here) got a bigger cheer than anything in X3.
'Nuff said.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Scary and intense! A remake that beats the original!
We've seen dozens of remakes in the past several years: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Ring, Dawn of the Dead, The Fog. None could hold a candle next to the original films.
Could it be? After all this time, do we finally found a remake that's actually superior? You're damn right! The Hills Have Eyes is not at all like the other remakes in this ungodly trend. It's not a cheap cash-in. It's a movie made with respect by horror filmmakers for horror fans.
Sure, it has its share of problems: There are too many cheesy false scares, they added a corny patriotic subtext, and it sticks so close to the original that fans will find little in the way of surprises. But it's a leaner, meaner animal than Wes Craven's original film. The characters are more believable, the mutants are scarier, and the whole thing is incredibly visceral! This is the first studio horror film in years that I've liked...mainly because it doesn't feel like a studio horror film.
Funny side note: A girl next to me in the theater was silently weeping through the last half of the movie. Guess it made an impression.
The Absence of Light (2006)
Lives up to it's title.
I had the "privilege" of attending a special screening of 'The Absence of Light' at a horror convention in Ohio.
First off, you know you're in trouble when the director introduces a film, saying: "Now keep in mind, we didn't have much money..." Not that no-budget films are bad, but when a filmmaker uses this as an excuse, the results are always poor. And there is no better example than this unwatchable sleep-fest.
Actually, 'Absence of Light' marks a first in the world of underground cinema: It's the only time I've seen a dream-cast of talented genre vets actually bore me. Charismatic actors like David Hess, Tony Todd and Reggie Banister randomly enter and exit the movie and prove to be every bit as uninteresting as the amateurish no-names. Who are their characters? What are they talking about? Who cares? It's all so dull, you'll cease to care about anything or anyone.
After thirty minutes of this endurance test, I gave up and walked out of the theater. Not surprisingly, so did most of the cast members in attendance.
Any curious genre fans would do well to stay away from this. With a little luck, this movie won't ever see the "light" of day.
Hakkyousuru kuchibiru (2000)
Wild and unpredictable! Cult cinema at its finest!
I've been a long time Asian cinema fan. I've seen more strange and offbeat foreign films than most can imagine. But nothing...and I mean NOTHING...could have ever prepared me for this.
Writing a review for 'Crazy Lips' is difficult, because this kind of movie is practically indescribable. It's the kind of hyperactive weirdness that only the Japanese can make.
'Crazy Lips' starts off like a serious horror film...but grows progressively strange as it moves on. Lots of sex, gore, kung-fu and off-key musical numbers are thrown in. It's a twisted film, made by twisted minds for twisted audiences.
If you like exploitation, trash cinema or just plain bizarre movies, then you won't find anything better than this little cult gem. It's one of the most fun and shocking movies I've seen in years.
Il cartaio (2003)
The funniest comedy of the year...
Let me say this right now: I'm a huge Dario Argento fan. I love most of his work. His style, imagination and twisted logic have gone unequaled even after 30 years.
I think that almost every fan agrees that the Italian maestro lost it with 'The Phantom of the Opera.' I was hoping that his newest film would be his comeback...but sadly, the man has sunk even lower.
In fact The Card Player' is so unbelievably bad, it becomes good for all the wrong reasons. The acting, dubbing and writing are so horrid and over-the-top that the whole thing becomes an unintentional comedy.
This could very well be the Showgirls' of the new millennium.
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
A slap in the face to two brilliant franchises.
Let's get one thing straight: I've been a life-long fan of both franchises. The first two 'Alien' installments remain two of my all-time favorite films. They're what turned me onto the horror genre. Hell, I even dug 'Alien 3' and 'Resurrection'...warts n' all. And I worship and adore BOTH 'Predator' movies. I know these six films inside and out. I know the name of every single character. I can quote every line of dialogue.
I read all the 'AvP' comic books. I played all the 'AvP' video games. This was a match made in fanboy heaven...and I wanted to see a big-screen adaptation more than anything. I waited impatiently for over a decade...and it took Paul Anderson only 100 minutes to destroy everything.
This movie does not feel like an 'Alien' or 'Predator' film. It feels like 'Jurassic Park IV' with the title creatures in place of the dinosaurs.
The characters? Not a memorable one in the whole lot. Lex is one of the most generic and dull heroines to stumble through a feature film...and surprisingly, the supporting cast displays even less energy. Even Lance Henriksen - our one ray of sunshine - isn't in the film long.
There isn't a single good or fresh idea in the script. The whole pyramid/training-ground concept sounded good...until Anderson started crafting his own mythology around it. I won't spoil anything, but let's just say that it's stupid beyond words.
The fights between the beasts are so badly shot and edited, I didn't care for one solitary second. It didn't stir up one bit of emotion in my inner-fanboy. And the creatures look HORRIBLE. The Aliens seemed okay...but the Predators are absolutely wretched. They look like goofy WWF wrestlers and in no way resemble or act like what we saw in the other films. It's really hard not to chuckle whenever they appear on screen.
I won't even get into the continuity errors, and just plain bad ideas, that saturate this film. Let's just say, that it lived up to all my fears...and created some new ones.
Paul Anderson has not made a movie for the fans. He's taken a beloved franchise, stripped it of it's soul, and marketed it to 10-year-old boys. I've liked many of his films and I've been defending him for years. I was even excited when he was announced as director, while most people groaned. But all the naysayers were right.
Out of all my brutal movie disappointments, this easily ranks #1.
Toolbox Murders (2004)
Tobe Hooper is back!
I'm sure everyone agrees that Tobe Hooper TOTALLY lost himself a long time ago. He hadn't produced a watchable film in nearly 15 years...and with 'Crocodile,' it looked like his flame had pretty much burnt out forever.
Luckily, he set out to recapture it with The Toolbox Murders' and it's actually a semi-successful attempt. The material itself is pretty formulaic and hits all the slasher cliches. But everything is elevated by the moody atmosphere, ferocious kills, Angela Bettis' performance, and Hooper's solid direction. Sure, there are a few unintentional laughs and cheap scares
and it won't win any points for originality
but the film has it's bloody heart in the right place and has a lot of energy. Keep it up, Tobe!
Gin gwai 2 (2004)
Wake me when it's over.
*Yawn*
After watching 'The Eye 2,' it's pretty clear that The Pang Brothers are overhyped one-hit wonders, who happened to make it big when the horror genre hit an all-time low.
Now the original film was far from great. It's actually one of the weaker films in the Asian Horror New Wave. But it at least had a few genuine scares, complemented by a killer ending. There's nothing remotely interesting in this phoned-in sequel. Not one good idea is present. Not a single frame is scary. Even hardcore fans will forget this as soon as the credits roll.
Avoid.
Gin gwai 2 (2004)
Wake me when it's over.
*Yawn*
After watching 'The Eye 2,' it's pretty clear that The Pang Brothers are overhyped one-hit wonders, who happened to make it big when the horror genre hit an all-time low.
Now the original film was far from great. It's actually one of the weaker films in the Asian Horror New Wave. But it at least had a few genuine scares, complemented by a killer ending. There's nothing remotely interesting in this phoned-in sequel. Not one good idea is present. Not a single frame is scary. Even hardcore fans will forget this as soon as the credits roll.
Avoid.
Haute tension (2003)
The ultimate betrayal...
'Haute Tension' starts out as one of the most intense horror films of all time. It presents a terrifying and realistic situation, perfectly realized on film.
Then, at the 50 minute mark, the film completely runs out of ideas. So guess what happens? The filmmakers consult the "Big Book of Horror Cliches" to drive the story forward, leaving no cheap plot device untouched. Finally, the entire story is culminated in a horrid and generic twist that makes absolutely no sense.
I have never felt more betrayed. This is everything horror should've grown past by now.
Avoid this garbage!
The Punisher (2004)
More like "The Pesterer"
"God's gonna sit this one out!"
Ain't that the truth!
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted a good 'Punisher' movie. When they announced this project, I was excited...but scared. I thought about all the ways this movie could suck...and, sadly, I saw every one of them realized on the screen with this inept film.
As hysterically wretched as the Dolph Lundgren film is, at least that was more entertaining than watching Thomas Jane ever-so-slowly seek revenge by nagging a rich baddie to death. Not that this film was miscast; I think Jane would've been great in this role...had he been directed by someone with TALENT.
There are endless reasons why this film sucks. Let's begin...
(some spoilers)
1. There's nothing in the narrative that gives us any reason to care about anyone. We get lots of bad Lifetime family drama during the first 20 minutes...then babbling one note characters. Frank doesn't even feel tortured. He just broods and broods and broods. Only, at the end during his attempted suicide, is any character depth displayed whatsoever.
2. The opening family massacre is actually a boring cop-out. For a brutal triggering event, they sure didn't show much. Duplicate that scene from 'Mad Max,' remove all skill, emotion and reasons to care...and you've got the death of Frank's family.
3. The violence in this film is not gritty or disturbing, as it was obviously intended. It's just plain goofy.
4. One of the worst musical scores ever "composed."
5. The acting. I honestly don't know who was more bored...me or the actors. It takes a special kind of worthlessness to get wooden, careless performances out of a cast like this.
6. Frank's three cartoony neighbors are the most useless and annoying sub-characters in film history. They'll make you long for Jar Jar Binks, they're so bad. Worst damn subplot ever!
7. John Travolta babbles about killing Frank Castle the whole movie. It's all he cares about. Well, it's obvious he's not too hard to find, because every henchmen he sends out locates him immediately. So, if he knew where Frank was, why in the hell didn't he just send out an entire army of guys like he did at the beginning of the movie?!?!?
8. Frank Castle, who is supposed to be a revenge-obsessed man who's lost everything, never goes far too far. In fact, he doesn't go anywhere. He catches one of Travolta's goons and obtains information by "torturing" him with a cold popsicle. Guess those hard days in kindergarten paid off, huh Frank? He also steals Travolta's wife's car and gives her parking tickets. He screws Travolta out of his money. He's not The Punisher. He's THE PESTERER. He's Diet Charles Bronsan.
Other stupid things...
The introduction of Frank's skill t-shirt is the single dumbest origin in a comic book movie.
Why does Frank fake his own death at the beginning? He's an undercover FBI agent, not James Bond.
It's a good thing some random guy Frank happens to know strolled up and nonchalantly saved him from certain death.
The Russian looks like he'd be better off fighting Van Damme in an 80's Cold War action movie.
Frank rigs up 80 cars in a parking lot, so that they'll blow up and make the Punisher logo. Riiigggghhht. C'mon...it worked in 'The Crow,' but enough is enough.
Hopefully in another 20 years, we'll get a decent 'Punisher' film. This one is as soulless and passionless as Hollywood movies come...and worst of all, it was done with something beautiful.
Talaye sorkh (2003)
Another over-praised "art" film.
I can think of so many imaginative foreign films out there that have never been released in the United States. So what is tedious crap like this doing in our cinemas? Is it any wonder American audiences think all foreign movies are boring?
'Crimson Gold' has one of those films that takes a small concept and stretches it to an unbearable length. In a nutshell: Nothing interesting ever happens, we spend a lot of time with one-note characters and the entire point of the film could've been conveyed in the space of 10 minutes.
There's nothing profound or moving here. It's just another generic and pretentious art-house movie that thinks it has something important to say.
Ju-on 2 (2003)
Best of the series.
I'm happy to say that, after a slight disappointment with 'Ju On: The Grudge,' the series returns to form with this installment.
Just when you thought Takashi Shimizu had done everything there was to do with 'Ju On,' this third sequel (and second theatrical film) takes things in a slightly new direction...and gives us some of the most terrifying scenes yet.
Yes, Toshio and his Mum are still on the prowl. Yes, the plot is told in the same disjointed segment style. But, without spoiling the surprises, some new and unexpected twists are added to the mythology. And just as expected, there are plenty of images and sounds that will haunt you till your dying day.
I can't wait to see what Shimizu has in store with the fifth film (the American installment) and dread the thought of seeing these images on a big screen!
Strawberry Estates (1997)
Worst film ever made? Yup.
I've seen more bad films than most have dreamed. I've suffered through the very worst of underground/amateur movie-making... ...but this...this...THING is the biggest travesty I have ever witnessed. From beginning to end, pure pain; boredom that would drive insurance salesmen to suicide.
This is the only movie I've ever seen where I cannot point to a single solitary frame and say anything even remotely mediocre.
Don't believe me? See it for yourself. You'll recant every bad film you've ever seen.
If you ever read a single positive review of this film, it's a plant. If somebody tells you it's good, then they obviously know the director.
STAY AWAY! You have been warned.
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
"It is as it was." Hollow.
'The Passion of Christ' is a movie that tries VERY hard to be important and moving, but is WAY too over-the-top to have any real emotional impact. It's the classic case of a film that drowns in it's own style and excess.
The main problem is that everyone in the movie is a caricature. There's not a trace of actual humanism anywhere in this film. Jesus and all his followers are portrayed as perfect saints and every antagonist is a cartoonish villain. From the mega-evil Barabbas, to the saintly Pontius Pilate, to the overly-sinister Jewish High Council...everything in this movie is a completely exaggerated black-and-white adaptation of The Gospels. Sadly, all the anti-semitic controversy was just the result of Mel Gibson's bad characterization.
And what was up with Judas getting chased by CGI demons? Or the goofy devil baby? Or Satan screaming "Noooooooooooooooooo!" in Hell when Jesus dies? Scenes like those kicked the film from epic historical drama down to the level of a TBN 'Omega Code' movie.
But it's when Mel Gibson kicks in with Christ's suffering that the film completely loses itself. Some of the moments of torture might have actually been disturbing, had he not cut to over-acting bucktoothed Roman soldiers laughing every five seconds. And there is only so much you can show before it all becomes tedious. How many times can Jesus fall down in slow-motion before the impact is gone?
I didn't pay much attention to Mel Gibson's interviews or the surrounding controversy...but, in the end, 'The Passion' just seemed like the confused and biased perception of a crazed zealot.
Skip this...and go rent 'The Last Temptation of Christ' or 'Jesus of Nazareth' - two MUCH better films. Or just go see 'Club Dread.'
Batoru rowaiaru II: Chinkonka (2003)
Watch the Director's Cut!
'Battle Royale II' is an uneven, but worthy follow-up. It's one of those sequels that tries something different, but is generally hated due to high expectations and the reputation of the mammoth original.
Here, the two Fukasakus take the story in the exact direction it needs to go. The survival game setting has been ditched...this time, it's about all-out war between the children and the adults. Naturally, there's less intimate moments here and only a few characters are well-defined...but seeing the world of 'Battle Royale' explode in your face (literally) is completely involving.
The few good character moments we get here are nice and match up with the poetry of the original. Shuya Nanahara is a much more interesting and complex person this time. Shiori Kitano is one of the best characters in either film. And the over-the-top Riki Takeuchi almost steals the film.
There are flaws, though... The children feel less like individuals and more like a collective, so there's less emotional involvement this time out...but that is perhaps inevitable, given the war setting. Plus, the resolution to the battle seems a tad anti-climactic.
Problems aside, this is a film well worth watching. The story is more complex, the battles are blistering, and the performances are great. It may not match the greatness of the original, but it's certainly one of the better directions a sequel has taken.
Note: Fans should avoid the theatrical version "Requiem" and seek out the newly re-edited Director's Cut - "Revenge." It restores a lot of missing character development and thematic elements and is a much better film overall.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
The end of cinema...
I'll keep this simple:
'The Return of the King' perfectly completes what is the single greatest cinematic achievement in the history of film. Never again will audiences be this captivated and emotionally invested in a journey so rich and beautiful.
Sure, cinema will never lose it's power and will continue to enthrall us until the end of time. But it will never burn as bright as this.
Avalon (2001)
Unimaginative, boring and pretentious
AVALON is a film that's nowhere deep as it thinks it is. It's one of those stories that spends it's entire time beating a single idea into your head that could've been conveyed in the space of 2 minutes.
Essentially, it's a movie where NOTHING happens. And I'm not just talking about action. Story, dialogue, character development...it's all about as active as a stillborn baby.
At about 1/5 of the way through the film, we're treated to a long montage showing every scene that has happened up to that point. Wow. Not since the 15 minute car ride sequence in Tarkovsky's 'Solaris' has an art film completely delved into such pretentious bullsh-...*ahem*...pardon me, "reflection."
Nope...Oshi is not "ahead of his time." He simply copies the style of other clueless arthouse filmmakers who think they're breaking the mold. Avoid this like the plague...and seek out something with some real imagination and intelligence.
Doraibu (2002)
Wild and imaginative! Sabu's best film!
It's a shame that more people haven't seen Sabu's movies. He's one of the greatest filmmakers of our time. DANGAN RUNNER, UNLUCKY MONKEY, POSTMAN BLUES, MONDAY... all blistering, hyperactive chase films packed with unforgettable characters and originality.
DRIVE continues that tradition and is not only the best Sabu film yet, it's one of the greatest films made in the past 15 years. Forget 'Crouching Tiger.' Screw 'Hana-bi.' THIS film is the prime example of the heart, soul and imagination that makes Asian cinema so wonderful.
It's a story that hits the ground running and takes you on a wild ride that goes places you never suspect. No genre is left unexplored. No emotion left untouched.
Why is it that generic, self-indulgent, pretentious art-house dramas find their way Stateside, when inventive masterpieces like this go unnoticed?
Mystic River (2003)
A big-budget "Movie of the Week"
If 'Mystic River' is this year's leading Oscar contender, cinema is in deep trouble. Simply put, there is nothing in this film that you don't see in your typical NBC "Movie of the Week." It's that generic.
This is one of those movies that thinks it's more important than it really is. The problems don't lay in the direction, but the writing. This small-community-murder-mystery story is something we've seen 100,000 times over. Every plot point you can see coming miles away. The characters are all over-emotional Lifetime TV cardboard cut-outs. And the dialogue? It only exists to spoon-feed the film's subtext to the audience ("Sometimes I think all three of us got in that car" Oy.)
So why does material this cliched attract such an A-list cast? Easy. Because such emotionally-charged (yet under-developed) characters give these actors the spotlight. It's an ego-trip. Nothing more.
Just because a film tells a tragic story, doesn't make it subversive or Shakespearean. Sorry, but I'm not fooled by this.
11'09''01 - September 11 (2002)
Only a few segments are worth it...
It's weird how a mass assemblage of international artists contributed to an experience that felt almost totally individual-less, like it was all part of some generic collective for what is considered "art." For the most part, the shorts felt like the same old art shorts you see on the festival circuits year after year. And why in God's name did they have Sean Penn represent the USA? He churned out what was possibly the worst segment - pointless "big budget visual bravado, with an indie sensibility" crud, with a message more heavy-handed than an afterschool special. Why didn't they get an American director who does more than ape the art world...someone with some talent and real insight...like Scorcese?
Thankfully, there were a few diamonds in the rough:
The 'Amores Perros' director's segment was VERY eerie. Images of falling bodies and phone messages from people in the building and on the airplanes. It was the only segment that thrust the reality of what happened in your face and didn't dance around the subject. Of course, because it was almost imageless, the audience got confused and restless (I guess that's what happens when art-house goers see something DIFFERENT for a change).
The Chilean docu segment was interesting, since the director showed us a September 11th that happened years ago, where Americans did similarly horrible things. And as soaked with pointless visuals at it was, I enjoyed the segment about Jerasualem getting bombed on 9/11 (and getting drowned out by the media blitz), mainly because the crowds and chaos were a nice contrast between every other short, where individuals just sat around and brooded about the towers.
But leave it to Japan to give us the finest entry. Their period-piece war parable that closed out the entire film was breathtaking and more relevant than all the films that directly involved 9/11.
So, in short, the whole movie is uneven as hell. It's worth watching for a few segments, just be prepared to suffer through a lot of generic crap.
Ju-on (2002)
Terrifying...but watch the originals first
First off, yes, this film lives up to the hype. It's definitely one of the best Asian horror films out there, worthy to be placed along side masterpieces like 'Ring' and 'Kairo.'
However, very few people know that 'Ju On: The Grudge' is a SEQUEL. And, like all Japanese sequels, knowledge of the previous installments is REQUIRED. The first two V-cinema installments, 'Ju On' and 'Ju On 2' (which are every bit as frightening as the feature) set up the backstory and the mythology. 'The Grudge' continues the story.
See the first two V-cinema films before watching this...otherwise you'll just be lost. Together, the entire 'Ju On' series composes the best horror has to offer.
Pôn (2002)
Been there, done that...
Sitting in the theater, I knew I was in trouble when the Walt Disney Pictures logo appeared at the beginning. Now I wasn't worried that this would be some watered-down kiddie horror movie, but rather a soulless paint-by-numbers mess by the film industry's leading plagiarist...
And guess what? 'Phone' was exactly that.
Every plot device is shamelessly stolen from a better movie. 'The Exorcist,' 'Stir of Echos,' and especially the original 'Ring'...every great horror film is ripped off at least once. What we're left with is ONE GIANT CLICHE!
Gone are the subtle creepy elements that make Asian horror so great. Instead we're treated to a bunch of flashy in-your-face "YOU WILL BE SCARED" Hollywood bravado. I swear, there are more predictable jump-scares in 'Phone' than all the 'Friday the 13th' films combined!
Aside from a very intense performance from a really gifted child actor, there is NOTHING to recommend here. Don't waste a moment trying to seek this out.
Pâfekuto burû (1997)
Cliched, cliched, cliched
Anime fans would have you believe that 'Perfect Blue' is an incredible, mind-blowing psychological masterpiece that forever changes the entire medium. Well, truth be told, most anime fans watch little else beyond animation - if they did, then they would realize just how derivative this film when compared to your average Hollywood stalker movie.
This is material so generic, it's plagiarism. Not only is the story completely reminiscent of a hundred movies, it blatantly steals entire shots and scenes from the films of Dario Argento.
'Perfect Blue' might have been a well made film, if we hadn't seen all this stuff before countless times. As a fan of anime, it pains me to say this...but this is one film that's only respected because it's animated.