The Martian (2015)

Matt Damon: Mark Watney

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Quotes 

• Mark Watney : I don't want to come off as arrogant here, but I'm the greatest botanist on this planet.

• Mark Watney : I've been thinking about laws on Mars. There's an international treaty saying that no country can lay claim to anything that's not on Earth. By another treaty if you're not in any country's territory, maritime law aplies. So Mars is international waters. Now, NASA is an American non-military organization, it owns the Hab. But the second I walk outside I'm in international waters. So Here's the cool part. I'm about to leave for the Schiaparelli Crater where I'm going to commandeer the Ares IV lander. Nobody explicitly gave me permission to do this, and they can't until I'm on board the Ares IV. So I'm going to be taking a craft over in international waters without permission, which by definition... makes me a pirate. Mark Watney: Space Pirate.

• Mark Watney : They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially colonized it. So, technically, I colonized Mars.

• Mark Watney : In the face of overwhelming odds, I'm left with only one option. I'm gonna have to science the shit out of this!

• Mark Watney : [From deleted scene]  Every human being has a basic instinct: to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people will coordinate a search. If a train crashes, people will line up to give blood. If an earthquake levels a city, people all over the world will send emergency supplies. This is so fundamentally human that it's found in every culture without exception. Yes, there are assholes who just don't care, but they're massively outnumbered by the people who do.

• Mark Watney : Commander, I have an idea.

  Melissa Lewis : Go ahead, Mark.

  Mark Watney : Well, if I can find something sharp in here, and poke a hole in the glove of my EVA suit, I could use the escaping air as a thruster and fly towards you. It would be easy to control because it would be on my arm.

  Melissa Lewis : I can't see you having any control if you did that. You'd be eyeballing the intercept using a thrust vector you can barely control.

  Mark Watney : Yes, yes, those are all very good points. But, consider this: I'd get to fly around like Iron Man.

• Mark Watney : [recording a video message]  If the oxygenator breaks down, I'll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I'll die of thirst. If the hab breaches, I'll just kind of implode. If none of those things happen, I'll eventually run out of food and starve to death. So, yeah... Yeah...

• Mark Watney : At some point, everything's gonna go south on you... everything's going to go south and you're going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That's all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem... and you solve the next one... and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home. All right, questions?

• Mark Watney : I've got to make a lot more water. The good thing is, I know the recipe: You take hydrogen, you add oxygen, and you burn. Now, I have hundreds of liters of unused hydrazine at the MDV. If I run the hydrazine over an iridium catalyst, it'll separate into N2 and H2. And then if I just direct the hydrogen into a small area and burn it. Luckily, in the history of humanity, nothing bad has ever happened from lighting hydrogen on fire.

• Mark Watney : [after finding out the intercept distance is too far]  Did you say 312? Yeah, I'll just wave to you guys as I go by.

• Mark Watney : Fuck you, Mars...

• Mark Watney : [after trying to make water by burning hydrogen]  So, yeah, I blew myself up. Best guess, I forgot to account for the excess oxygen that I've been exhaling when I did my calculations because I'm stupid. I'm gonna get back to work here just as soon as my ears stop ringing.

• Mark Watney : I'm the first person to be alone on an entire planet.

• Mark Watney : It's a strange feeling. Everywhere I go, I'm the first. Step outside the rover? First guy ever to be there! Climb a hill? First guy to climb that hill! Kick a rock? That rock hadn't moved in a million years! I'm the first guy to drive long-distance on Mars. The first guy to spend more than thirty-one sols on Mars. The first guy to grow crops on Mars. First, first, first!

• Mark Watney : Mars will come to fear my botany powers.

• Mark Watney : The other question I get most frequently is. When I was up there stranded by myself, did I think I was gonna die? Yes, absolutely. And that's one you need to know, going in, because it's gonna happen to you. This is space. It does not cooperate.

• Mark Watney : Tell Commander Lewis, disco sucks.

• Mark Watney : [after hearing he has to take the top off of the Mars Ascent Vehicle]  I know what they're doing. I know exactly what they're doing. They just keep repeating 'go faster than any man in the history of space travel', like that's a good thing. Like it'll distract me from how insane their plan is. Yeah, I get to go faster than any man in the history of space travel, because you're launching me in a convertible. Actually it's worse than that, because I won't even be able to control the thing. And by the way, physicists, when describing things like acceleration do not use the word 'fast'. So they're only doing that in the hopes that I won't raise any objections to this lunacy, because I like the way 'fastest man in the history of space travel' sounds.

  [pause] 

  Mark Watney : I do like the way it sounds... I mean, I like it a lot.

  [pause] 

  Mark Watney : I'm not gonna tell them that.

• Vincent Kapoor : [Typing]  Mark, please watch your language. Everything you type is being broadcast live all over the world.

  Mark Watney : Yeah?

  [Proceeds to type even more profanity] 

  Vincent Kapoor : Oh, my God...

• Mark Watney : Welcome to the Astronaut Candidate Program. Now pay attention, because this could save your life. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

• Mark Watney : [eating a potato]  It has been *seven days* since I ran out of ketchup!

• Mark Watney : Who am I to talk about loneliness?

• Mark Watney : All right, let me get a few things out of the way, right off the bat. Yes, I did in fact survive on a deserted planet by farming in my own shit. Yes, it's actually worse than it sounds. So, let's not talk about that ever again.

• Mark Watney : I'm not gonna die here.

• Mark Watney : [talking to himself]  I'm sorry, Martinez, but if you didn't want me to go through your stuff, you shouldn't have left me for dead on a desolate planet.

• Mark Watney : I figured one of you guys kept an ASCII table lying around. And I was right. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you super-nerd Beth Johanssen, who also had copies of 'Zork II' and "Leather Goddesses of Phobos" on her personal laptop. Seriously, Johanssen... it's like the Smithsonian of loneliness on there.

• Melissa Lewis : All right team, stay in sight of each other. Let's make NASA proud today.

  Rick Martinez : How's it looking over there, Watney?

  Mark Watney : Well, you will be happy to hear that in Grid Section 14-28, the particles were predominately coarse but in 29, they're much finer and they should be ideal for chem analysis.

  Rick Martinez : Oh, wow. Did everybody hear that? Mark just discovered dirt.

  [laughs] 

  Rick Martinez : Should we alert the media?

  Mark Watney : Sorry, what are you doing today, Martinez? Making sure the MAV is still upright?

  Rick Martinez : Well, I'd like you to know that visual inspection of the equipment is imperative to mission success. I also would like to report that the MAV is still upright.

• Mark Watney : [mouthed, when he's told the crew doesn't know he's still alive]  What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?

• Mark Watney : [listening to 'Turn the Beat Around']  I am definitely gonna die up here, if I have to listen to any more of Commander Lewis's god-awful disco music. My God, Commander, could you have not brought something from this century? No, I won't 'turn the beat around'; I refuse to.

• Mark Watney : Surprise!

• Mark Watney : [after noticing a potato sprout bloomed]  Hey, there!

• Mark Watney : It's been 48 sols since I planted the potatoes. So now it's time to reap and re-sow. They grew even better than I expected. I now have 400 healthy potato plants. I dug them up being careful to leave their plants alive. The smaller ones I'll reseed, the larger ones are my food supply. All natural, organic, martian-grown potatoes. You don't hear that every day, do you? And by the way, none of this matters at all if I can't figure out a way to make contact with NASA.

• Melissa Lewis : You're in Martinez's hands now.

  Mark Watney : Well, tell that asshole no barrel rolls.

  Melissa Lewis : Copy that, MAV.

• Mark Watney : Let's do the math. Our surface mission here was supposed to take thirty-one days. For redundancy, they sent enough food to last for sixty-eight days. For six people. So for just me, it'll last three-hundred days. And I figure I can stretch that to four hundred if I ration. So... I've still gotta figure out how to grow three years worth of food. Here. On a planet where nothing grows. Luckily, I'm a botanist.

• Mark Watney : So, now that NASA can talk to me they won't shut up.

• Mark Watney : I get it. RTGs are good for spacecraft, but if they rupture around humans... no more humans. Which is why we buried it when we arrived. And planted that flag so we would never be stupid enough to accidentally go near it again. But, as long as I don't break it...

  [laughs] 

  Mark Watney : I almost just said 'everything will be fine' out loud!

• Melissa Lewis : Watney, you keep leaving your channel open, which leads to Martinez responding, which leads to all of us listening, which leads to me being annoyed.

  Mark Watney : Roger that. Martinez, the captain would like you to please shut your smart mouth.

  [Chuckles] 

  Chris Beck : We'd prefer to use a different adjective to describe Martinez's mouth.