- Bridget: [voice over] Can't go back and keep making same mistakes. Must keep moving forward and make new ones.
- Mark: You can do this. You can. We can do it together. Just think what life's thrown at you already. You've turned disasters into triumphs with your sheer, joyful, indefatigable, infectuous lust for life. You've managed this entire pregnancy almost entirely on your own, despite a lunatic mother, repressed men, and boyfriends who don't deserve you.
- Jack: Come on, buddy. Why are you so angry?
- Mark: You know what? I'm really not your buddy. And I don't know about vibes and negative energy or prenatal wind and even less about algorithms. So, I will confess that the laws of attraction are somewhat beyond me. In fact, Bridget defies comprehension generally. But despite, or perhaps, owing to the bewildering litany of catastrophes I've witnessed over the last 40 years, I feel I've come to know Bridget rather well, and I've spent those years caring for her very deeply. And that may defy automated reasoning, but there's nothing I can do about it.
- Dr. Rawlings: You don't really need them, you know. All they're good for is fitting car seats and blaming things on. They really just get in the way after that. You're absolutely capable of doing this on your own.
- Dad: Mum's throwing a Christmas party slash political rally. It's like the G8 summit with Scotch eggs.
- Dr. Rawlings: I'm not sure how much there is to gain from you two being at the coalface if I'm honest. My ex-husband said it was like watching his favorite pub burn down.
- Dr. Rawlings: It's like the final of the X Factor or something. Dial zero one if you want it to be Mark and zero two if you want it to be Jack!
- Bridget: We thought it would be really fun to get a photo of us backstage among all these glamorous people. I think that's the guy from Bargain Hunt. It'd be great if you could get him in the shot. Quick, quick, quick!
- Ed Sheeran: [holding their phone to take the photo] So you don't want me in the photo at all?
- Miranda: Oh, God. You can lose the attitude, babes. Is it really that difficult?
- [Taking Bridget by the arm and turning away]
- Miranda: God. They let any old riff-raff backstage nowadays.
- Bridget: I don't know. I thought he was kind of cute. But he looks familiar. I think he works at the Starbucks in Balham!
- Dr. Rawlings: Bridget, how do you want to do this? Epidural?
- Jack: No, you can do this. A positive mental attitude is stronger than any drug. Just think away the pain.
- Bridget: Bollocks to that. No, I want everything. Gas, air, injections, morphine.
- Jack: Bridget, remember your yoga.
- Bridget: Fuck yoga!
- Dr. Rawlings: Oh, I couldn't agree with you more. It's supposed to relax one, but I just spend the entire time clenching my sphincter in an effort not to fart.
- [either Jack or Mark is the father of Bridget's baby; they both bring Bridget to the maternity hospital when she goes into labour]
- Dr. Rawlings: Oh, good! I was wondering how many fathers we'd get. Full house! Bingo!
- Bridget: What about the first scan? Would that show when conception took place?
- Dr. Rawlings: No. Ring this number and fix a date. And do bring along the father if you can work out which one he is.
- Dr. Rawlings: "Think the pain away." You're pushing and entire human being out of your vagina. I'd like to see them thinking it away.
- Dr. Rawlings: I do recommend that you have the anmiocentesis because there are always more risks with a geriatric mother.
- Bridget: Geriatric? That's outrageous.
- Dr. Rawlings: Indeed.
- Bridget: Unless you can sign on for your child support and pension at the same time.
- Alice: [Bridget has secured Jack as guest on the show] I have to say, Bridget. I'm actually excited about this next guest. Relevant, relatable, extremely fuckable. Good work.
- Bridget: Really sorry, Dad. Not to know about the father.
- Dad: Don't be daft. I know dozens of people who could have been anybody's.
- Bridget: So, you're not disappointed? You don't think I belong on Jerry Springer?
- Dad: Not a bit. I'm thrilled. Actually, I'm not sure if you're mine, or that nice Lieutenant Colonel's who ran the bowls club.
- Bridget: Hm.
- Dad: Only joking. You're got my feet. I've always had very dainty feet.
- Jack: And then I would have bought Swedish furniture for us to make. If we can get through this, we can get through anything.
- Jack: For better or worse, fate has brought us together.
- Mark: It wasn't fate, it was condoms.
- Jack: What do you mean?
- Mark: Those ridiculous dolphin-friendly things from the bottom of Bridget's bag.
- Jack: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about. When Bridget and I got it on, I was... I was not dressed for the occasion.
- [Bridget and Miranda are chatting on studio talkback in between the times when Miranda reads each headline of the news which is punctuated by the "bong" of Big Ben]
- Miranda: [on talkback] You know what, Bridge? This weekend, you and me need to go out and get stuck into some serious...
- [bong]
- Miranda: [live on air] ... Binge drinking, a serious scourge on society? Is new legislation needed?
- Miranda: [on talkback] You can always try online dating again. The other night I was on Tinder. Half an hour later I'm having a three-way with...
- [bong]
- Miranda: [live on air] ... Prince Andrew, the Royal Special Representative for Trade and Investment.
- Bridget: Believe it or not, I was a little like you when I started here. A little chunkier, much less make-up. But I wanted to make my mark, too. But I don't want to be part of your re-branding. I haven't got the right haircut anyway and I don't drink cocktails out of jam jars or post photos of my lunch on Instagram. And I suppose it's become unfashionable to care about wanting to make something worthwhile. But I would rather be old-fashioned and unemployed than part of a show that celebrates the inane. And maybe when my boy is old enough to understand, integrity will be fashionable again.
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