Arthur (I) (2011)

Russell Brand: Arthur

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Quotes 

• Hobson : My name is Lillian and I am an alcoholic. I'm rich, I'm fabulously rich. I'm also generous and kind-hearted. My father died when I was young and my mother was absent most of the time. Is this an excuse for making a mockery of my life? Oh, it all looks very wild from the outside. I once went to bed with three European princesses at the same time, but: A. I can't remember anything about it, and B: apparently I vomited over two of them before losing control of my bladder on the third. Oh, yes, all such fun... until the fog parts and suddenly there's a hole so big that all the vintage champagne and all the Batmobiles on the world can't fill it. Then I'm all alone on my magnetic bed, wondering what venereal disease I've just caught.

  Arthur : Always the quiet ones.

• Police Sergeant : You're drunk again, Arthur.

  Arthur : [drawling]  No... I have remained drunk since our last encounter.

• Arthur : We shouldn't get married... we have nothing in common. You love horses. I don't trust them. Their shoes are permanent. Who makes that kind of a commitment to a shoe?

• Arthur : Could I stay for a minute, please?

  Naomi Quinn : Why?

  Arthur : Because it will reduce the proportion of my life that I spend feeling totally miserable.

• Arthur : Tiffany, this is my nanny Hobson, my best friend in the whole world.

  Tiffany : Your nanny?

  Hobson : He's merely *shaped* like an adult.

• Arthur : Why didn't you tell me before?

  Hobson : I didn't want you to feel bad.

  Arthur : Why are you telling me now?

  Hobson : Because I want you to feel bad.

• Hobson : [Holding up Tiffany's bra]  I wouldn't recommend letting him get used to your breasts, dear, he's got an addictive personality. He was at mine 'till he was six.

  Arthur : Hobson!

  Hobson : I had to dab tabasco on the nipples to see him off...

  Arthur : That lady has never once breastfed me.

  Hobson : ...despite his best efforts.

• Susan : You're running from yourself, Arthur.

  Arthur : I wish I was, because I'd let me get away.

• Arthur : I'm going to take a bath.

  Hobson : I'll alert the media.

• Arthur : What was that?

  Susan : A French kiss.

  Arthur : Really? Because the French always surrender. That was decidedly German.

• Arthur : Grape shears, what an innovation! You can use them for my castration!

• Arthur : Congratulations, you're winning the dead parent game. But it's not too late to run home and butcher my mother.

• Arthur : Hello, Hobson!

  Hobson : Morning, Arthur. And Friend.

  Arthur : [Points at Tiffany]  Tiffany.

  Hobson : Ohhh, points for knowing her name and saying it with confidence.

  Arthur : I made a mental association with my lamp.

• Arthur : First your father and then the horse - when will my testicles get some rest?

• Arthur : Could you detach the half-naked business woman from under my bed?

• Arthur : I know what jobs are, Snobson.

• Hobson : [putting on a pair of boxing mitts]  Arthur, after you're married, you're going to have to stop this obsession with random women.

  Arthur : She is not a random woman, she understands me. She laughs at my jokes. She's like you, but with a more appropriate potential for sex.

  Arthur : [Hobson punches him in the nose, he then falls to the floor]  Ow! That really hurt. Evander, you assured me I was indestructible.

• Susan : Reach into your pocket, pull out the ring, and say four little words.

  Arthur : Okay. Uh, I-don't-love-you.

  Susan : Try again.

  Arthur : I-like-other-girls.

  Susan : Oh, well, me too. Let's invite one over.

• Burt Johnson : My little Susan can turn you around. You know, she once bought a crack house and turned it into a condo.

  Arthur : That's funny, I once did the exact opposite.

• Susan : I hear you have something to ask me.

  Arthur : Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact, Susan. Would you mind telling me what the bloody hell's been going on?

  Susan : We're having a magical night. I don't understand.

  Arthur : You don't understand that there's a macabre conspiracy to inveigle me into a loveless marriage?

• Vivienne : As of this moment, you are cut off.

  Arthur : What do you mean "cut off"? Cut off from you and the-? You don't mean cut off from the...

  Vivienne : The money, Arthur.

  Arthur : No... I'm not gonna allow you to manipulate me, Vivienne. I shall get married when I fall in love.

  Vivienne : I respect your integrity. You've just lost $950 million.

  Arthur : [sporadically changing his tune]  Actually, Susan is a very special girl, isn't she? With that mouth, that velvety, beautiful mouth... like a clown's mouth. But not in a bad way. Like a sexy clown.

  Vivienne : And she'll make a wonderful wife.

  Arthur : Yeah. I mean, who wouldn't wanna marry a sexy clown?

• Arthur : I'm talking about Tuscany! White truffle gelato! Have you ever tried white truffle gelato? It makes all other gelato taste like shit.

• Arthur : I don't like Susan.

  Hobson : Well, I don't like you very much and we've been happily stuck together for 30 years.

• Arthur : Marriage isn't a tool to protect a corporate image. It's to validate unwanted pregnancy.

• Arthur : [at a public auction, in deep voice]  Thirty thousand dollars, please.

  Auctioneer : Thirty thousand.

  Arthur : [in normal voice]  Thirty-five thousand.

  Arthur : [alternating voices]  How dare you! It's a challenge you want, is it?

  Arthur : [normal voice]  Yeah, I want a challenge, plus I bid first.

  Arthur : [deep voice]  That is irrelevant! The highest number has supremacy!

  Arthur : [normal voice]  You've clearly never been to an auction. That's tit-for-tat. That's exactly how the situation in the Middle East began.

  Arthur : [deep voice]  You leave me no choice. One hundred thousand dollars and one penny because you, sir, are a vile spendthrift!

  Hobson : Well, that's the first sensible thing you've said all day.

• Officer Kaplan : [apprehending Naomi along with a group of tourists]  Miss, I warned you about this. You don't have a tour license and now you're impeding foot traffic. Come on, up, up, everybody up.

  Arthur : Officer, which law prevents this radiant stranger from finding the magical in the mundane?

  Officer Kaplan : MTA Code 1085.1, Section 5.

  Arthur : Could you be more specific?

  [Naomi flees] 

• Arthur : Naomi Quinn, I'd like to see you again.

  Naomi Quinn : I... don't date boys who have nannies.

  Hobson : Very wise choice. You're not the first woman who walks the streets for a living that he's taken a liking to.

  Naomi Quinn : Is she always with you? Okay. 917-176-2030.

  Arthur : Did you remember that?

  Hobson : No.

• Arthur : [while boxing with Evander Holyfield]  What I like about her, Naomi, is she's got a very unique way of seeing the world.

  Hobson : So do flies. This is a repeat of when you were certain you needed a pet giraffe to be happy. Well, you were bored after a week.

  Arthur : Because he ate his monocle! The brute had no regard for fashion, Evander.

  Hobson : No, because you were from two different worlds, the same as this girl.

  Arthur : Listen, could you just let me focus on my jab and refresh me, please?

  Arthur : [gets sprayed with a canteen of vodka]  Aah! That's vodka in there!

  Hobson : Refreshed?

  Arthur : [wiping his face]  No, but I think some of it probably went in my bloodstream so it's not all bad news.

• Arthur : [before introducing himself to Susan's father]  What am I doing here, Bitterman?

  Bitterman : Uh, you asked me to drive you to the Burt Johnson Tower.

  Arthur : But if you were me...

  Bitterman : I would like that very much.

  Arthur : That's very flattering. But if you were me and you were in this situation... what would you do? What should I say?

  Bitterman : Uh, I'd go in there and say, um, "Mr. Johnson, I like your tower, but I love your daughter."

  Arthur : But I don't love his daughter.

  Bitterman : Don't say that, because then he'll say no.

• Naomi Quinn : [inside an empty Grand Central Station]  This is our first date.

  Arthur : Oh, is that what we said to the police officer? I'd quite forgotten.

  Naomi Quinn : Wait, I'm not getting naked.

  Arthur : Don't rule it out at this stage, it takes some of the pizzazz out of the evening.

• Arthur : You should quit your job and focus all your energy on this.

  Naomi Quinn : I can't.

  Arthur : Why? What have you got to lose?

  Naomi Quinn : The house, and electricity, and...

  Arthur : You can pay for all those things when this is published.

  Naomi Quinn : Arthur, things like that don't happen to people like me.

  Arthur : Then why is the moon still following you?

• Burt Johnson : [after being accidentally hit with a nail gun]  If I ran off to the hospital every time I got a little boo-boo...

  Arthur : Yeah. What's a nail through the body? Made a hero out of Jesus.

• Arthur : Give me the whole bottle. My life's over.

  Hobson : You're gonna be looked after and you're gonna stay fabulously rich.

  Arthur : Maybe I'd rather be fabulously poor. Some poor people I see look really happy.

  Hobson : That's because they're far away or you've given them money.

• Vivienne : Well, today, Arthur, we're gonna have a friendly chat, then a serious talk, and finally, I'm going to offer you an ultimatum. How does all that sound?

  Arthur : Like it would be improved by vodka.

• Arthur : [from his bathtub]  Hobson! Hobson? Hobson! Hobson! Hobson! Hobson! Hobson!

  Hobson : What?

  Arthur : Lesbian Simon and Garfunkel, 61st and Park. Look!

  [hands Hobson a pair of binoculars] 

  Hobson : Hmm. Well spotted. Another of your wasted talents.

• Vivienne : [after viewing snapshots of Arthur's last hangover]  How can you squander your considerable intelligence on idiocy like this?

  Arthur : It's quite easy. I don't consider it to be idiocy rather a savantish gift for defying death with fun.

  Vivienne : That's your justification? That's why you crashed a Batmobile?

  Arthur : Yes, it is. Are we done?

• Officer Kaplan : You had your first date at Grand Central Station?

  Arthur : It wasn't a shabby affair. I'd hired out the entire place. It was deserted. Acrobats were in the place, put on quite a show for us. Didn't they, Naomi?

  Naomi Quinn : No, no.

  Arthur : The floor was strewn with a million petals. Their scent hung in the air like the sweet breath of angels. And we forgot ourselves entirely. Didn't we? And ran nude through that concourse.

  Naomi Quinn : No, no, we just... we had clothes on and we ate.

• Burt Johnson : This is gonna be my new office.

  Arthur : [peering through a telescope]  Oh, my God. I live right over there! I can see my living room, Burt. That's interesting! And frightening. Did you put this building here just so you can spy on me?

  Burt Johnson : Mm-hm.

• Officer Kaplan : You ran from me, Naomi. Now I gotta take you in. Besides, you've had three warnings for operating an illegal tour.

  Arthur : [lying]  Except this isn't an illegal tour, because these people aren't tourists, they're our family.

  Naomi Quinn : [playing along]  Yes. They are, they're my family. That's my family. We're having a family reunion.

  Arthur : Reunion. Uh, that, for example, is Uncle Stuart waving there.

  Naomi Quinn : Yes.

  [waving at a group of tourists] 

  Naomi Quinn : Oh, hey, Uncle Stuart!

  Arthur : Under that sun hat, that's Caribbean Diane Keaton.

  Naomi Quinn : Yes, exactly.

  Arthur : And also we have..

  Naomi Quinn : Uncle Korean John Lennon.

  Officer Kaplan : [to Arthur]  And this is, uh, Abe Lincoln, I presume.

• Arthur : [while eating Pez on a silver platter]  Hey, you know, as soon as I saw you, I knew I wanted to eat candy bricks out of your neck hole.

  Naomi Quinn : You're not the first.

  Arthur : [chuckles]  What do you think? Do you like it?

  Naomi Quinn : Well, on my last date, the guy told me that I could only eat salad and then he said he was gay. This is better.

  Arthur : Yeah.

  Naomi Quinn : I mean, I'm heterosexual, so...

  Arthur : Oh, already winning.

  [they both laugh] 

• Naomi Quinn : I thought that the moon followed me everywhere. I thought it meant something special was gonna happen.

  Arthur : Well, that's a pretty ridiculous hypothesis, Naomi, because by that notion, the moon would be out there right n...

  [peers out Naomi's window and sees a full moon] 

  Arthur : Naomi, the moon is literally out there right now spying on us... his light shining down on your face and clutter.

• Arthur : My dad died when I was a kid. He was by all accounts a very sensible, uh, frugal man... who didn't drink, didn't smoke, walked everywhere.

  Naomi Quinn : Hmm.

  Arthur : Dropped dead of a heart attack when he was 44. Lesson being, why bother taking care of yourself? Cheers.

  Naomi Quinn : I don't think that's the lesson.

  Arthur : It's the lesson I learned.

• Arthur : Listen, Susan, is this about money? I've got news for you, you're already rich.

  Susan : I'm not *you* rich, Arthur. My family doesn't have a coat of arms.

  Arthur : I'll draw you one. It's quite simple. It's usually just a sword.

• Susan : Embarrass me again and my father will cut off...

  Arthur : I know, my tongue.

  Susan : ...no, your balls.

  Arthur : Not if I keep them moist.

• Susan : [drunk and half-naked]  I was just at home feeling spontaneous. I decided to put on a little something spontaneous... and come over here spontaneously.

  Arthur : Susan, mentally ill people are spontaneous. It's all about context.

• Arthur : In my mind, this is the pond from a book I had when I was a kid called Frog and Toad Together.

  Naomi Quinn : I love Frog and Toad. My mom used to read them to me all the time.

  Arthur : Really?

  Naomi Quinn : Yeah.

  Arthur : My mom subcontracted that job to Hobson.

  Naomi Quinn : There's a really sad one where Toad freaks out because he sees Frog sitting alone on a rock. So he swims out to him with a picnic, but then it falls in the water.

  Arthur : [mimics Toad]  "Our lunch is spoiled! I made it for you, Frog, so you'd be happy."

  Naomi Quinn : [narrating]  "But Frog wasn't sad..."

  Arthur : [imitating Frog]  "When I woke up, I felt good because the sun was shining. I felt good because I was a frog."

  Arthur : [in a normal voice]  And I felt good because I have you for a friend. If you were sitting alone, I'd bring you a sandwich.

  Naomi Quinn : I'll sit alone, then.

  [they kiss offscreen] 

• Arthur : When I was little you used to say:

  [mimics Hobson] 

  Arthur : "Arthur, you can do anything under the sun."

  Hobson : I never spoke like that.

  Arthur : It was a bit like that.

  Hobson : That was before you paid Elton John $2 million to sing over the PA in a grocery store.

  Arthur : Yeah, well, it was Easter.

• Candy Store Manager : Arthur, may I have a word with you?

  Arthur : [after getting hung over on the job]  Is that word "promotion"?

  [gets fired offscreen] 

• Group Leader : And you are?

  [the entire focus group turns toward Arthur] 

  Arthur : [disguised in a black beard and green cap]  My name is... Gandalf.

  Group Leader , James : Hi, Gandalf.

  Arthur : Hello. And I came here because I'd like to drink a bit less. Not give it up altogether. Maybe 5, 10% cut down. Reasonable. Look, I'm sorry. No one's gonna convince me that my life isn't fun, okay? And forgive my crassness, but if I ran my mother over, I'd be out celebrating with booze, which is what I plan to do right now. Cheerio.

• Hobson : One apocalyptic hangover, no job. Congratulations, Arthur.

  Arthur : Listen to this: "Aquarium needs help cleaning tanks. Swim with the fishes". That is a Mob threat. None of these jobs make any sense at all. "Systems integration professional." Would anyone do it as an amateur? Would *anyone* approach systems integration as a hobby for fun on a Saturday afternoon instead of flying a kite? Who is integrating systems for their own amusement? Hobson, I think in order to do this... I may have to be a little more sober.

• Arthur : Look! It's orphan Annie, but as a man. Orphan Mannie!