Green Wing (2004–2007)
Karl Theobald: Dr. Martin Dear
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Martin Dear : She's my smoo too!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : She's your smoo? And my smoo!
Dr. Martin Dear : What are we going to do?
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Dr. Martin Dear : [Joanna doesn't want anyone knowing he's her son] I love you and I always have!
Harriet Schulenburg : [Just entering] I'm sorry is this a bad time?
Joanna Clore : No, Dr. Dear was just telling me something a patient said to him today. A psychiatric patient, obviously.
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Dr. Macartney : Martin, Martin, see this - is that your signiture?
Dr. Martin Dear : Yeah, it is, yeah.
Dr. Macartney : Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.
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[Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"
Dr. Macartney : Maison!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?
Dr. Martin Dear : No, not really.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Good. Go!
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Dr. Martin Dear : [blues harmonica] Sittin' by your bed/ wishing I could mend your broken head/ I'm so sorry you're in a coma/ I wish you could come home... er.
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Dr. Macartney : Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.
Dr. Martin Dear : Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney : Funk-eh!
Dr. Martin Dear : Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney : No, funk-eh!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [scary voice] Funkehh!
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Dr. Macartney : You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used mnemonics when I was revising.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright...
[points to parts of his head as he names the bones]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.
Dr. Martin Dear : Jesus, how did you remember that?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.
Dr. Macartney : Go on then, what is it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.
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Dr. Martin Dear : [he's handed a CD with cocaine lines on it at the party. He turns it over, and the other guy lunges to the carpet] That's a good band!
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Sue White : How's this one?
Dr. Martin Dear : [tries a shirt on] Well it's a bit crispy... round here.
Sue White : Oh my creeping Jesus, these are supposed to have been waashed!
Dr. Martin Dear : Washed? You mean they're not new?
Sue White : New? No, they're not new, what would I be doing with new clothes in my office? This is the Dead Box!
Dr. Martin Dear : You mean these are the clothes of dead people? That's disgusting.
Sue White : Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with it. Look:
[points to shirt]
Sue White : Fatal RTA,
[points to trousers]
Sue White : Fatal RTA,
[puts boot on desk]
Sue White : Stroke Victim! I had to wait three days for these, saves me a fortune. But come on, I'll take you shopping.
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Sue White : You say you're stressed about your exams. Well, it seems to me if you stopped being stressed things would be better for you.
Dr. Martin Dear : Yes!
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Dr. Martin Dear : [abusing the Database] Used to make fun of me, now he sells Fridges! Yes!
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Dr. Macartney : [bangs Guy's head against lockers] Say it!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Je suis desole...
Dr. Macartney : [bangs Guy's head] In English!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Martin I'm s... I'm s... I'm s... sorry I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.
[Martin pulls Guy's lip]
Dr. Macartney : Now hug.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan , Dr. Martin Dear : What?
Dr. Macartney : I said hug.
[there is no reaction]
Dr. Macartney : FUCKING HUG!
[Guy and Martin hug very awkwardly but break apart when Mac walks away. He turns back]
Dr. Macartney : I said hug!
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Dr. Caroline Todd : I don't think I like your tone tonight, Martin.
Dr. Martin Dear : [looks in other direction] Fuck off.
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Dr. Martin Dear : No, actually, it's a note and it's quite hard.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Suicide note?
Dr. Martin Dear : No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Shame.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oh, what are you scared about Marty?
Dr. Martin Dear : Oh, er, well, er, failing my exams again and everyone I know realising what a loser I am and always will be, and losing any self-esteem that I ever had, and hating myself and being myself for the rest of my life.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Fair enough.
Dr. Martin Dear : Still, I suppose everyone feels like that about exams, don't they?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Er, no. Not me.
Dr. Martin Dear : Why not?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Ooh, let me see. Is it because exams are easy peasy lemon squeezy or I'm brilliant? It's both! See, the Secretans have never been a home to self-doubt, I have no idea what you're feeling.
Dr. Martin Dear : Well, it's bloody horrible.
[Martin puts on his doctor's coat. A tiger tail is pinned to the back. Guy notices]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Erm, Martin.
Dr. Martin Dear : What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Nothing.
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Dr. Martin Dear : It is for a good cause.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment.
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Dr. Martin Dear : You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want.
Dr. Martin Dear : Oh, it's not quite the same is it?
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Dr. Martin Dear : The patients don't like me.
Sue White : I see. Anything else?
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Dr. Martin Dear : I'm not your slave!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You've been misinformed.
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Dr. Martin Dear : Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you'd sleep with?
Dr. Caroline Todd : Nope.
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Dr. Martin Dear : I've just pulled!
Boyce : Really, who?
Dr. Martin Dear : [talking like a stud] Oh, a bit of office totty.
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Dr. Martin Dear : [yo-yo trick] Count the ants!
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Dr. Martin Dear : How about Lord Chiseltooth?
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Boyce : Marty!
Dr. Martin Dear : Boycey!
Boyce : Marty!
Dr. Martin Dear : Boycey!
Boyce : Marty!
Dr. Martin Dear : Boycey!
Boyce : Marty!
Dr. Martin Dear : Boycey!
Boyce : Marty!
Dr. Martin Dear : Boycey!
Boyce : STOP IT!
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Dr. Martin Dear : The Path Lab guys keep stealing my yoghurt!
Sue White : Now, now! Whoa, there, Columbo!
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Naughty Rachel : What are you doing?
Dr. Martin Dear : I'm lurking!
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Dr. Martin Dear : A Pilot's better than a Doctor, isn't it?
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Dr. Caroline Todd : Jake's so positive. He says "Love like you've never been hurt, Work like you don't need the Money, and Dance like no-one's watching." I like that.
Dr. Martin Dear : Yeah, Dance like no-one's watching!
[Silly Dance]
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Dr. Martin Dear : [Cliff edge Ambulance] I'll sacrifice myself! My legs are gone, anyway!
Dr. Macartney : No!
[Aside to Guy]
Dr. Macartney : Is it Karen? Karen wouldn't want you to.
Dr. Martin Dear : Well, you can't go because you've got Carol, it'll have to be Guy!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Wait I've got stuff to live for too! I can't die, I can't die... until I remember the name of the Last Muskateer!
Dr. Martin Dear : Athos!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oh yeah...
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Dr. Martin Dear : Don't joke about that! That's Big Shit, your Mum dying!
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Sue White : [Party] Crack Cocaine?
Dr. Martin Dear : No, thank you.
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Dr. Martin Dear : [crumples onto the floor in a Corridor and everyone just walks over him]
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Martin's having a wank in the cupboard!
Dr. Martin Dear : I'm not!
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Dr. Martin Dear : [hugging her] Oh, you're lovely!
Joanna Clore : No, I'm not.
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Dr. Martin Dear : I've got an Angry Penis!
