- Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.
- Rick James: [to his bodyguards] Do with him whatever you like.
- Charlie Murphy: Motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfucking window.
- Rick James: Cubbie, freeze!
- Charlie Murphy: You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face!
- [soft piano music playing...]
- Rick James: I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?
- Charlie Murphy: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
- Rick James: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.
- Rick James: Bitches... Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.
- Rick James: I'm Rick James, bitch.
- [Rick claps twice]
- Real Rick James: See, I never just did things just to do them. Come on, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on. I got a little more sense then that.
- [pause]
- Real Rick James: Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch.
- Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?
- Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack!
- Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.
- Businessman: I'll have a Samuel Jackson.
- Samuel Jackson: [shouts] Good motherfucking choice, motherfucker! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get ya drunk! You'll be fucking fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmm-mmm, bitch!
- [Jackson walks up to the businessman]
- Samuel Jackson: [shouts] How's it taste, motherfucker?
- Businessman: Could you please stop yelling at me?
- Samuel Jackson: [shouts] No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! Haven't you seen my movies? "Juice" That was a good one! "Deep Blue Sea" They ate me! A motherfucking shark ate me! Drink up, bitch!
- Silky Johnson: [referring to Rosie O'Donnell] Now that man I'd hate to fight. Cause she wears underwear with dick-holes in 'em.
- Rick James: [as Charlie and Eddie Murphy beat up on his legs] YOU DARKNESS, YOU BLACK - LATE NIGHT - EVIL MOTHAFUCKAS - BLACK MAGIC, DARKNESS! YOU RAW... DARKNESS... YOU... DELIRIOUS... MOTHAFUCKAS. YOU WAS COLD AS ICE.
- Charlie Murphy: [narrating] But still, after taking a beating like that, Rick's like...
- Rick James: Fuck yo couch, nigga.
- Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau: [during press conference talking about Jedi's raping their students] I would just like to say that this counsil will have zero tolerance for any sexual deviency regarding our Jedi knights!
- Reporter: Mace, do you feel that the Jedi's that have commited this crime deserve to die?
- Mace "Sam Jackson" Windau: Yes, they deserve to die! And I hope they burn in hell!
- Rick James: Bitches! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties!
- [women lift up their shirts]
- Rick James: The milks gone bad!
- [after Dylan attempted to choke Wyclef Jean]
- P. Diddy: If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.
- Tyrone Biggums: Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
- Charlie Murphy: I knew what hotel he was stayin' at. I told my boys I'd catch up with them later. So I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room...
- [Cuts to Rick James sitting on a dresser talking to himself]
- Rick James: So then... he comes in there and I says, "Listen, bitch, I'm Rick James."
- [announcing the nominees for "Player Hater of the Year"]
- Ice T: The nominees are... Buck Nasty. Buck Nasty is nominated for getting his best friend's girlfriend pregnant, then tricking his best friend into raising the little motherfucker. The next nominee is... Pit Bull. Pit Bull is nominated for calling the cops on his drug-dealing neighbors, not because it was the right thing to do, but just 'cause he was jealous of all the money they was makin'. And the final nominee is... Silky Johnston. Silky Johnston is nominated for calling in a bomb threat at the Special Olympics.
- Charlie Murphy: [when Prince challenges them to basketball] We can call it the shirts vs the blouses.
- [Prince looks on the verge of tears]
- Charlie Murphy: I don't know what he was crying about. He knew where he got that shirt and it certainly wasn't in the men's department
- [speaking to elementary school class]
- Tyrone Biggums: Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high.
- [jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial]
- Prosecutor: You know, he's been accused of this before.
- Dave Chappelle: So? Some people say the cucumbers taste better pickled.
- Prosecutor: What?
- Dave Chappelle: Huh?
- Prosecutor: What?
- Dave Chappelle: Huh?
- [ask a Gay Dude segment]
- person on street: Yo, is gettin' oral sex from a man better than gettin' oral sex from a woman?
- Mario Cantone: Pfff, how the fuck would I know? Next question.
- [pause]
- Mario Cantone: IT'S BETTER!
- Charlie Murphy: Things like escalated to the point where, you know, my man got too familiar and I ended up having to whip his ass man, you know, cause you know, he would step across the line. Habitually. He's a habitual line stepper.
- [after Rick James has slapped him for no particular reason]
- Charlie Murphy: I'm standing there I'm thinking, "This nigga really has lost his fucking mind." First of all, you don't slap a man. Ok. I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, ya know, they did it in Paris, some guy would come up, "I challenge you to a duel." They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go!
- [holding a machine gun out his car window]
- Wayne Brady: Brace yourself, nigga!
- Man on Street: Oh shit, it's Wayne Brady!
- [Wayne Brady proceeds to blast man with AK47]
- Wayne Brady: Riverside, mothafucka!
- News Reporter: What about people who say you're only interested in the Middle East for oil?
- President Black Bush: What? Huh? Oil? Who said somethin' bout oil, bitch. You cookin? Oil? Man, I don't know what...
- [knocks over water pitcher]
- President Black Bush: Come on, y'all! Get out of here!
- Rick James: I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.
- Charlie Murphy: My brother, he's a lot more compassionate than I am, you know. We were looking at Rick getting in the limo, and as it drove off, Eddie says, "Man... Rick really needs help". I was like, "Hey man, we just gave him some help. We busted his motha fuckin' legs. I bet he won't come back and disrespect again." WRONG, WRONG... We're talkin' bout Rick James, man.
- [playing at the World Series of Dice]
- Leonard Washington: My name's Leonard Washington. Where I'm from? A little town called None Of Your Goddamn Business.
- [P. Diddy hosts "Making the Band"]
- P. Diddy: All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.
- Silky Johnston: What can I say about that suit that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan; It looks bombed out and depleted.
- Charlie Murphy: I mean, you know where you got that shirt. And it damn sure wasn't the men's department.
- Wayne Brady: [introducing his prostitutes] Hoes, Dave. Dave, hoes.
- Dave Chappelle: Good evening, bitches.
- Prosecutor: So, you don't think Michael Jackson is guilty?
- Dave Chappelle: No, man. He made "Thriller".
- [pause]
- Dave Chappelle: Thriller.
- Charlie Murphy: Because of my complexion, he use to call me Darkness. He calls me and brother Darkness. The Darkness Brothers. See, this is long before Wesley Snipes. Back then... we was the blackest niggas on the planet according to Rick James.
- [after Dave convinces him not to kill one of his prostitutes]
- Wayne Brady: You'd better thank Dave Chappelle. Go ahead, thank him.
- Hooker: Thank you, Dave. I like your show.
- Dave Chappelle: RUN BITCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GET SOME HELP!
- Rapper: I battle any sex or any race / You beating me is like Billy Crystal playin Scarface / I can't see it, I'm blind to the eyes / I came up in your face - oops, pow, surprise! Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
- Clayton Bigsby: Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be *me*."
- [from the "Ask A Gay Dude" segment]
- Rapper: What the fuck is up with the rainbow? I'm not feelin' the rainbow!
- Mario Cantone: I'll put a band-aid on your face and make you my Nelly.
- [Clayton Bigsby's truck pulls up next to a group of white kids listening to rap]
- Clayton Bigsby: Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!
- Hip-Hop Fan: Did he just call us niggers?... AWESOME!
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