Evolution (2001)
David Duchovny: Ira Kane
Photos
Quotes
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Wayne Grey : [trying to get the alien's attention with an open mike] Ca-Caw! Ca-Caw! Ca-Caw! Ah Ah Ee Ee Tookie Tookie! Tookie Tookie! Ca-Caw Ca-ca-caw-ca-caw-caw-caw! Ca-ca-caw!
Harry Block : Wayne, I think we've established that "Ca-Caw Ca-Caw" and "Tookie Tookie" don't work.
Wayne Grey : Right. Sorry.
Harry Block : Alright, so what do you say Ira? Pack it in?
Wayne Grey : [starts singing into the mike] You are so beautiful, to me...
Ira Kane : Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.
Harry Block : No, stand down. I'm gonna kill this one myself.
Wayne Grey : Give me a chance, I'm communicating here.
[continues singing]
Wayne Grey : You are so beautiful, to me...
Harry Block : Wayne, would you please stop, because you are embarrassing me.
Wayne Grey : [Wayne starts singing louder and directly to Harry] Can't you see. You're everyth...
[the creature reacts]
Wayne Grey : [singing] You're everything that I hope for.
[the creature reacts again]
Ira Kane : It's working!
Harry Block : [to Wayne] Yeah. Sing! Sing! Rub some funk on it!
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[an alien bug is crawling inside Block's leg]
Dr. Allison Reed : What are you gonna do?
Dr. Paulson : We might have to amputate.
Harry Block : Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.
Ira Kane : Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
Nurse Tate : Doctor, look!
Dr. Paulson : It's headed for his testicles.
Harry Block : Take it! Take it! Take the leg!
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Ira Kane : If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?
Harry Block : Lingerie.
Ira Kane : Not you, the bird.
Harry Block : Lingerie.
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Ira Kane : Allow me to share something with the entire class. Last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems both entitled "Cells are Bad" and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory: "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same boring, old magazine everyday. The end." Although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be I could not bring myself to put As atop those beauties.
Deke : [points to his brother and himself as he slowly realizes] You're... talking... about our papers!
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Dr. Allison Reed : There's something I feel I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Ira Kane : Well, just say it. We're adults and we're all about to die a very horrible death soon anyway, so?
Dr. Allison Reed : I would've rocked your world.
Ira Kane : You already have.
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Ira Kane : Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.
Harry Block : Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.
Wayne Grey : Wayne Grey. I took some chemistry in high school.
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[Kane and Block disguise themselves as a colonel and a private to sneak into the military base]
Harry Block : I still don't understand why you get to be colonel and I'm just a private.
Ira Kane : I WAS a colonel.
Harry Block : Yeah, and you obviously served your country with distinction.
Ira Kane : You should be thankful, the penalty for impersonating an officer is five years in prison.
Harry Block : Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.
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[as Allison introduces herself, she trips and falls, and her skirt rides up]
Ira Kane : A garter belt? At a day function?
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Ira Kane : Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!
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Harry Block : So, do they give the Nobel Prize out in yearly payments or is it just one lump sum, like the lottery?
Ira Kane : Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Harry Block : Oh, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I've very concerned about the potential tax consequences.
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Ira Kane : You wouldn't understand.
Dr. Allison Reed : No, how could I? I'm just a humorless ice maiden in desperate need of a good humping.
Ira Kane : Oh... you heard that, huh?
Dr. Allison Reed : Loud and clear.
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Nadine : Um, Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking.
Harry Block : Ira, look.
Ira Kane : Yeah. It's not breaking, it's splitting. It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce!
Harry Block : No sex?
Ira Kane : No time for sex.
Nadine : Bummer.
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Harry Block : I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?
Ira Kane : Harry, if we're going to be big important scientists you have to start to act the part.
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[Ira moons General Woodman]
Ira Kane : Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
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Dr. Allison Reed : Your Honor, if the Court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?
Ira Kane : Depose *me*?
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : Oh, we think your past is very relevant, Doctor Kane. These issues speak directly to his competence as a scientist.
Dr. Allison Reed : Dr. Kane, you were a top-level researcher at USAMRIID from '94 to '97, were you not?
Ira Kane : Yes, that's correct.
Dr. Allison Reed : And you were summarily dismissed in the summer of 1997. Any idea why?
Ira Kane : My services were no longer required?
Dr. Allison Reed : Uh-huh. So, in your opinion, your firing had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine that you developed and administered to nearly 140,000 U.S. soldiers in May of that year?
Ira Kane : [leans in and whispers, smiling] I see where you're going with this.
[louder]
Ira Kane : It may have been a factor, you'd have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Dr. Allison Reed : I'll make a note to do that. But for now, can you tell me what happened to the soldiers who were inoculated with your vaccine?
Ira Kane : Well, uh, none of them got anthrax, if that's what you're asking.
Dr. Allison Reed : What did they get?
Ira Kane : Um, well, as with any new vaccine, there were certain side effects associated with it.
Dr. Allison Reed : Could you be more specific?
Ira Kane : Well, it was a wide range of things, it's very technical, I'd hate to waste the court's time getting into it right now.
Dr. Allison Reed : Humor me.
Ira Kane : Some debilitating stomach cramps... severe diarrhea... memory loss.
Dr. Allison Reed : Yes? Go on. Any more symptoms?
[Harry is looking mortified and shocked at the defense table]
Ira Kane : Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling, bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable flatulence. I think that's it.
Dr. Allison Reed : One more question. Do you happen to remember what the soldiers called this illness, Doctor Kane?
Ira Kane : Yeah. They called it "The Kane Madness."
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Ira Kane : Let's shampoo us some aliens!
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[the alien creature turns around to reveal what looks like spherical buttocks]
Harry Block : [grinning] Ira, look at that backside! Theater in the round. That's the kind of trunk space you want in a late-model car. Who does that remind you of?
Ira Kane : I've no idea what you're talking about.
Harry Block : She's been throwing it at you enough.
Ira Kane : [incredulously] Dr. Reed?
Harry Block : Bull's-eye.
[Cut to the Ops Room]
Lt. Cryer : Excuse me, Dr. Reed, did you authorize a walk-through?
Dr. Allison Reed : No. Why?
Lt. Cryer : Um, you should probably take a look at something. Here.
[On the computer screen, they see and hear Block teasing:]
Harry Block : That's the kind of rump you want to roast! The kind of muffin you'd like to butter!
Ira Kane : That is, that is a nice image. And I appreciate your assumption that there is an actual sexual human being underneath all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses, but I don't think so.
Harry Block : What?
Ira Kane : Yeah. I think she is a humorless ice queen.
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[the heroes just killed a dinosaur-like creature]
Ira Kane : So, what do you want? Light meat, or dark?
Harry Block : You have to ask?
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Ira Kane : You're gonna be all right, buddy! Cut him open, let's get this thing!
Harry Block : CUT ME OPEN! There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!
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Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : We evacuate, make it safe, and then we burn the alien menace right the hell out of there.
Dr. Allison Reed : With what?
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.
Ira Kane : Napalm? Why don't you just nuke 'em while you're at it?
Col. Flemming : [with an eager grin] What about nukes?
[Woodman starts thinking about it]
Governor Lewis : Pull your horns in there, boys! Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state!
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[Lieutenant Cryer has interrupted the briefing of the Governor to call attention to the command site's video monitors]
Governor Lewis : [angrily] All right, what's going on down there?
[Another video monitor reveals a Bigfoot-like creature skulking toward the camera with a menacing expression]
Ira Kane : My God. They've evolved into primates.
Wayne Grey : Aughh. Now, that's a face for radio!
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Ira Kane : You sure this leads to the main cavern?
Harry Block : It'll definitely lead us somewhere. Geology is not an exact science.
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Wayne Grey : [as they arm themselves in the sporting goods store] You ever use one of these things before?
Harry Block : Just 'cause I'm a schoolteacher, that don't make me a pussy.
Ira Kane : Ladies, ladies, there's a terrifying alien bird menacing the mall. Can we focus?
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Ira Kane : We call no one, we tell no one. This is our secret, right?
Harry Block : What about the government? I mean, isn't this the kind of thing they usually get involved in?
Ira Kane : No! No government. I know those people. Absolutely not.
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[They are admiring a ten-legged creature with heads at both ends]
Harry Block : Is it coming or it going? - The tree just ate it!
Ira Kane : Everything down here seems to be food for something else, so let's try to stay off the menu, huh?
Harry Block : Got that right. Ooops!
[Block sees that he has stepped on a multi-legged creature. At once, alien insects descend like ants upon the mess and begin feasting]
Harry Block : Ira! Come here, look at these little things!
Ira Kane : Oh, cool! Great. Snag one!
Harry Block : Snag one?
Ira Kane : Yeah. Snag one and put them in the bucket!
Harry Block : I seen this movie, the black dude dies first. YOU snag it!
Ira Kane : Aw, don't be scared. Come on, we came for a specimen. Now snag one! Come on. Not gonna hurt you. Look, he's turned the other way. He's eating.
Harry Block : Come on, come on, my widdle red lobster. Come on, my sexy little crustracean. Come on...
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[the Governor and science teams watch while an alien primate smashes the command site's video monitor cameras]
Carla : They just took out 6 and 7.
Lt. Cryer : All the monitors are down!
Governor Lewis : Well, that can't be good!
[a rumbling is heard]
Ira Kane : That's the elevator.
Col. Flemming : We have no personnel down there.
Dr. Allison Reed : They've breached the airlock.
Governor Lewis : [incredulously] What, the fuzzy no-nosed chimp?
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[In the courtroom]
Judge Guilder : Dr. Kane, are you asking me to bar the Federal Government from involvement in a discovery as significant as this one?
Ira Kane : No, no, no. Not at all. We're asking you to make sure that the local scientists who actually made the discovery continue to play a significant role.
Harry Block : They kept us out for almost two weeks! And we put our lives on the line to find these little guys, Your Majesty! We just want to be there for them, as they grow up.
[He accidentally slaps Kane in the face, as though knowing Kane was going to correct him to say "Your Honor."]
Ira Kane : We were the first team at the meteor site, and all the initial testing was done in our lab, Judge.
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : The facilities at Glen Canyon Community College are jokes.
Judge Guilder : They weren't a joke when I went there, General.
[the General looks shifty-eyed and embarrassed]
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[Kane and Block have sneaked into the Army Compound]
Harry Block : Ooh. Your girlfriend, eleven-o'clock.
[Allison drops her files, as Kane turns to look]
Dr. Allison Reed : Oh, darn it.
Ira Kane : That woman is a menace.
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[In the meteorite crater]
Ira Kane : This place has changed.
Harry Block : Can you believe this?
Ira Kane : Harry, look at that! Our little babies are growing up. Three weeks, it's already like a rain forest in here.
Harry Block : Eww. Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment.
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Harry Block : Keep your chin up. You know she wanted to give you some, don't you?
Ira Kane : Were you even in that courtroom?
Harry Block : Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.
[they return to their lab, to find the door broken in, and all their work stolen]
Ira Kane : Oh, we've been hit!
Harry Block : Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed!
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Harry Block : Testing, testing, one, two, one-one-one-two... this is D.J. Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius...
Ira Kane : Harry, would you stop it? I can hear you.
Harry Block : Don't you snap at me, unless you want an angry solid gold dancer on your hands, Ira.
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Harry Block : [after the alien flying dragon's birth in back of the housing development] It's flying away! Is that a bad thing?
Ira Kane : Only if you're a human being.
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[When Ira first examines the microorganisms from the meteorite, the computer's DNA analysis reads: 4 Base Pairs: DNA Terrestrial. 10 Base Pairs: DNA Unknown]
Ira Kane : [stunned] Ten base pairs. That can't be.
