- Rockhound: You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?
- Lev Andropov: It's stuck, yes?
- Watts: Back off! You don't know the components!
- Lev Andropov: [annoyed] Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!
- Grace Stamper: First time I got my period, Rock had to take me into Tai-Pei for Tampax. And then he had to show me how to use them, Harry.
- [off Harry's stern look]
- Rockhound: Ho-ho. I ju- No I-I told her how to use it. I didn't show her, Harry.
- Truman: So what's the verdict?
- Harry Stamper: They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.
- Truman: Such as?
- Harry Stamper: [riffles through sheets of paper] Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.
- Oscar: [shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states...
- Harry Stamper: [to Oscar] I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.
- Oscar: Okay.
- Harry Stamper: Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to... bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya?
- [pause, turns and shakes his head]
- Harry Stamper: Um, Bear would like to stay at the...
- [tries to read writing]
- Harry Stamper: "White horse"?
- [looks up at Bear]
- Bear: White, *House*. White House.
- Harry Stamper: White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.
- Truman: Sure, I think we can, uh, take care of... some of that.
- Rockhound: [shouting from balcony] Harry!
- Harry Stamper: [motions back at Rockhound] Yeah one more thing, um... none of them wanna pay taxes again.
- [pauses]
- Harry Stamper: Ever.
- Rockhound: We're in segment 202, lateral grid 9, site 15H32 - give or take a few yards. Captain America here blew the landing by 26 miles!
- Colonel William Sharp: How the hell do you know that?
- Rockhound: Because I'm a genius.
- Watts: The gauges will not read; they're all peaked like we're plugged into some magnetic field
- Rockhound: [sarcastically] Well, who on the spaceship wants to know why?
- Gruber, Munitions Specialist: By all means.
- Rockhound: The reason we were shooting for grid 8 was because thermographics indicated that grid 9 was compressed iron ferrite. Which means you landed us on a goddamn iron plate!
- Ronald Quincy: I know the president's chief scientific advisor, we were at MIT together. And, in a situation like this, you-you really don't wanna take the advice from a man who got a C- in astrophysics. The president's advisors are, um... wrong... and I'm right.
- Dan: [the President asks about the size of the asteroid] lt's the size of Texas, Mr President.
- President: Dan, we didn't see this thing coming?
- Dan: Well, our object collison budget's a million dollars, that allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and beg'n your pardon sir, but it's a big-ass sky.
- President: And the ones this morning?
- Dan: Uh, those are nothing. Uh, they're the size of basketballs... and, uh, Volkswagens, things like that.
- President: Is this going to hit us?
- Dan: We're obtaining that as we speak, sir.
- President: What kind of damage are we...
- Dan: Damage? Total, sir. It's what we call a global killer. The end of mankind. Doesn't matter where it hits. Nothing would survive, not even bacteria.
- President: My God. What do we do?
- NASA Techs: [a NASA tech comes running into the room] We have 18 days before it hits Earth.
- A.J.: Just tell Grace that, uh, that I'll always be with her. Okay? Can you do that?
- Harry Stamper: Yeah. Okay, kid.
- Harry Stamper: [pulls AJ's air hose out and rips off his own mission badge and hands it to AJ] Give this to Truman. Make sure Truman gets that! Get in there.
- [pushes AJ back into the hatch and closes the door]
- Harry Stamper: It's my turn now.
- A.J.: Harry! Harry! You can't do this to me! It's my job!
- Harry Stamper: You go take care of my little girl now. That's your job. Always thought of you as a son. Always. But, I'd be damn proud to have you marry Grace.
- A.J.: [beginning to cry] Harry.
- Harry Stamper: You take care of yourself.
- [pushes a button sending the hatch up]
- A.J.: Harry, no!
- Harry Stamper: I love you,pal.
- A.J.: Harry, I love you! Don't Harry! Wait a minute! Harry, no!
- Harry Stamper: Goodbye son.
- Ronald Quincy: [holds out his hand] Imagine a firecracker in the palm of your hand. You set it off, what happens? You burn your hand, right? You close your fist around the same firecracker,
- [clenches his hand into a fist]
- Ronald Quincy: and set it off. Your wife's gonna be opening your ketchup bottles the rest of your life.
- Colonel William Sharp: Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Airforce, ma'am. Requesting permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.
- Grace Stamper: Listen, Harry, A.J. is my choice - my choice and not yours.
- Harry Stamper: He's the only one in your age bracket, Grace. It's not a choice, it's a lack of options.
- Dan: With the proximity of the asteroid, and no prep time, none of our primary plans can work.
- General Kimsey: Why don't we just send up a hundred and fifty nuclear warheads and blast that rock apart?
- Ronald Quincy: Terrible idea.
- General Kimsey: Was I talkin' to you?
- Dan: This is Dr. Ronald Quincy from Research. Pretty much the smartest man on the planet You might wanna listen to him.
- [first lines]
- [Camera shoots past the moon to slowly zoom in on the Earth]
- Narrator: This is the Earth, at a time when the dinosaurs roamed a lush and fertile planet.
- [From behind the camera, a giant asteroid appears, speeding towards the Earth ahead of it]
- Narrator: A piece of rock just 6 miles wide changed all that.
- [Blazing through the atmosphere, the asteroid impacts with a spectacular display of fire and destruction]
- Narrator: It hit with the force of 10,000 nuclear weapons. A trillion tons of dirt and rock hurtled into the atmosphere, creating a suffocating blanket of dust the sun was powerless to penetrate for a thousand years. It happened before. It will happen again. It's just a question of when.
- Dr. Banks: [going through the roughnecks' medical reports] Fail. Fail. Depressively fail! One toxicology analysis revealed ketamin, that is a very powerful sedative!
- Harry: Sedatives are used all the time, doctor.
- Dr. Banks: Well this one's used on horses.
- Harry: Some of these guys are pretty big.
- Dr. Banks: [to Truman] You know, it would normally take 18 months to psychologically prepare pre-screened, viable subjects for space travel. We have seen evidence of a wide fariety of territorial aggression.
- Dan: Can they *physically* survive the trip? That's all I need to know here, okay?
- Dr. Banks: Personally, I don't know how they survived the tests.
- Lev Andropov: I'm stepping outside.
- A.J.: You're-you're going outside?
- Lev Andropov: I am the only certified astronaut. And I'm saving your American ass!
- Colonel William Sharp: [In response to Rockhound riding the nuclear warhead] Get off... the nuclear... warhead.
- Rockhound: I was doing that guy from that movie, you know, Slim Pickens, where he rides it all the way in, the nuclear warhead.
- Colonel William Sharp: Now.
- Rockhound: Oh, you didn't see that one, huh?
- Harry Stamper: How long you work for me?
- A.J.: Five wonderful years.
- Harry Stamper: In five years you have *never* apologized to me this quickly. Something's goin' on here, I'm gonna find out what it is.
- [Rockhound is duct taped down inside the spaceship to keep him out of trouble]
- Rockhound: Just tryin' to have some fun before I died!
- General Kimsey: If you're trying to make me feel better about this scenario, give it up.
- Truman: To tell you the truth, I'm kind of encouraged. This guy Chick here was an Air Force commando for six years.
- General Kimsey: We got robbery, assault, arrest, resisting arrest. We got a collection agent for the mob. Two of these guys have done serious time.
- Truman: Look, they're the best at what they do.
- General Kimsey: So am I. And I'm not so optimistic. We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defense. And here we are. The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.
- President: I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as the leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day "Armageddon" - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined modern technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrongs and the discord; through all of the pain and suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we all, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you.
- Watts: [showing a video] Neil Armstrong, 1969, bouncing on the moon. He's bouncing because there's less gravity up there than on Earth. This will be similar to the asteroid. So, watch it. Something gets launched off that asteroid with enough force, it's gonna keep on going, right into outer space.
- Oscar: [to Bear] What is the deal? Is it just me, or is Watts really hot?
- Bear: [nods] Yeah.
- Watts: So we have these new generation suits. With directional accelerant thrusters. You won't bounce like Neil Armstrong.
- [seeing that Bear is not paying attention]
- Watts: Bear!
- Bear: Yes?
- Watts: Do we have a problem?
- Bear: No.
- Watts: 'Cause I'm trying to describe to you how these DATs keep your ass on the ground, so that if I were to kick you in the balls, and you don't know how to work them, what happens to you?
- Bear: I float away.
- Watts: Yeah.
- Rockhound: When do we start training for THAT?
- Rockhound: You wanna compare brainpans? I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princton for two and a half years.
- Harry Stamper: For god's sakes, think about what you're doin'. Why are you listening to someone that's a 100,000 miles away? We're here, nobody down there can help us. So if we don't get this job done, everybody's gone.
- Chick: One minute.
- Harry Stamper: I have been drilling holes in the earth for 30 years. And I have never, NEVER missed a depth that I have aimed for. And by God, I am not gonna miss this one, I will make 800 feet.
- Chick: 42 seconds.
- Harry Stamper: But I can't do it alone, Colonel. I need your help.
- Colonel William Sharp: Do you swear on your daughter's life, on my family's, that you can hit that mark?
- Harry Stamper: I will make 800 feet. I swear to God I will.
- Colonel William Sharp: Then let's turn this bomb off.
- Helga the Nurse: Mr. Chappell, you're next
- Chick: Aw, gee, lady. I just came here to drill.
- Helga the Nurse: Oh!
- [Holds up anal probe]
- Helga the Nurse: So did I.
- Rockhound: What does that mean?
- Colonel William Sharp: It means we've got a busted ship.
- Rockhound: A busted ship? And I'm strapped in here? I had a great spot picked out there!
- Grace Stamper: Baby, do you think its possible that anyone else in the world is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?
- A.J.: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?
- Grace Stamper: [talking to Harry when he is on the asteroid] Daddy?
- Grace Stamper: Hi Gracie Hi honey. Grace, I know I promised you I was coming home.
- Grace Stamper: I don't under-understand.
- Harry Stamper: Looks like I'm going to have to break that promise.
- Grace Stamper: I lied to you too. When I told you I didn't want to be like you. Because I am like you. Everything good that I have inside of me, I have from you. I love you so much daddy. And I'm so proud of you, I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
- Harry Stamper: I know it baby. But there won't be anything to be scared of soon. Gracie, I want you to know that AJ saved us. He did. I want you to tell Chick, that I couldn't have done it without him. None of it. I want you to take care of AJ. And I wish I could be there to walk you down the aisle, but I'll... I'll look in on you from time to time, okay honey? I love you Grace.
- Grace Stamper: I love you too.
- Harry Stamper: Gotta go now honey.
- Grace Stamper: Daddy, no!
- [Harry cuts the video feed]
- Grace Stamper: No no dad no!
- Rockhound: Yeah, I remember this one. It's where the, uh, the coyote sat his ass down in a slingshot then he strapped himself to an Acme rocket. Is that - is that what we're doin' here?
- Harry Stamper: [under his breath] Rockhound.
- Rockhound: No, no, really, because it didn't work out too well for the coyote, Harry.
- Harry Stamper: [talking over him] Hey, Rock. Knock it off.
- Truman: Well, actually, we have a lot better rockets than the coyote.
- [A.J, Lev, and Bear are making the canyon jump and Lev is flying outside on the armadillo trying to fix it]
- Lev Andropov: I'm sorry A.J. I was way off on the odds!
- Harry Stamper: I'm gonna give you three seconds to shut this bomb down, and then I'm gonna make you shoot me.
- Harry Stamper: None of you have to go. We can all just sit here on Earth, wait for this big rock to crash into it, kill everything and everybody we know. United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?
- Chick: 20 years. Haven't turned you down once. Not about to start now. I'm there.
- Freddy Noonan: Guess I can't let you go up there alone.
- Bear: I'm with you.
- Oscar: Man, this is - this is historic. Guys, this is, like, deep blue hero stuff! Of course I'm in.
- Rockhound: While I don't share *his* enthusiasm, you know me. Beam me up, Scotty!
- Harry Stamper: You all right, Max?
- Max: I-I don't, I-I don't... Whatever you think.
- Harry Stamper: [to A.J] How about you?
- A.J.: I'm in.
- Harry Stamper: All right then. We go.
- Rockhound: I don't mean to be the materialistic weasel of this group, but do you think we'll get hazard pay out of this?
- Harry Stamper: What's your contingency plan?
- Truman: Contingency plan?
- Harry Stamper: Your backup plan. You gotta have some kind of backup plan, right?
- Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan. This is it.
- Harry Stamper: And this is the best that you c - that the-the government, the *U.S. government* can come up with? I mean, you-you're NASA for cryin' out loud, you put a man on the moon, you're geniuses! You-you're the guys that think this shit up! I'm sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up and somebody backing them up! You're telling me you don't have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here, that is the world's hope, that's what you're telling me?
- Truman: Yeah.
- Rockhound: Guess what guys, it's time to embrace the horror! Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth!
- Bear: [sobbing in front of Dr. Banks] I am not crazy! I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?
- Rockhound: Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and they let me use explosives, okay?
- Rockhound: [still looking through Rorschach inkblots; to the male psychologist] This one looks like you... *with* breasts.
- Oscar: Ok, Mr. Truman, let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there?
- Truman: 200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that.
- Oscar: Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable.
- Oscar: I tell you one thing that really drives me nuts, is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.
- Psychologist: Who is Jethro Tull?