Married with Children (1987–1997)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy, Al's Father, Captain Courage, Seamus McBundy, Self

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Peggy : Did you miss me?

  Al : With every bullet, so far.

• Peggy : I want sex.

  Al : So do I, but I see no reason to drag *you* into it.

• [the "Psycho Dad" theme] 

  TV Announcer : [singing]  A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!

  Al : This is why we must give to PBS.

• [a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store] 

  Woman : I need shoes.

  Al : Blacksmith's right around the corner.

• Al : [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken]  Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.

  Marcy : [walking past Al]  Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?

  Al : [to Jefferson]  I thought that was your job.

  Jefferson : No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.

• Al : What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.

• Al : Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.

  Peggy : Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.

• Peggy : What would you like?

  Al : A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.

• [In Al's fantasy] 

  Minister : Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

  Al : Do I look that stupid to you?

• [repeated line] 

  Al : Let's rock.

• Al : I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance.

  Peggy : Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.

  Al : Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.

• Marcy : What would it be like if men had breasts?

  Al : We wouldn't need women any more.

• Al : [to himself]  Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?

  Bud : [on phone]  Hi, Mom!

• Al : Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey.

• Peggy : And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE.

  Al : THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.

• [repeated line] 

  Al : A fat woman came into the shoe store today...

• Al : Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.

• Peggy : No TV, Al, we're talking.

  Al : You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.

• Al : Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.

• Al : I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.

• Al : Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

• Al : It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.

  Peggy : I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.

• Al : Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league.

• Kelly : [as Al is pointing the TV-remote against his head]  Daddy, you're pointing it at the wrong way!

  Al : Not if there's a God.

• Al : I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son?

  Bud : No, Dad.

  Al : Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.

• [Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session] 

  Al : Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.

  Jefferson : [monotone]  The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.

  Al : Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him!

  [holds up two fingers] 

  Al : Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?

  [pokes Jefferson in the eyes] 

  Jefferson : Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.

• Al : [doorbell rings]  Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour.

• [repeated line] 

  Al : At the nudie bar.

• Al : Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid.

• Al : Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials.

• Peggy : A pox on you, Al.

  Al : Yeah; like I'd notice.

• Al : [one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"]  And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school.

• Al , Peggy , Kelly , Bud : [repeated line in unison to celebrate a victory from a challenge, or an mutual agreement over someone or something]  WHOA BUNDY!

• Al : You know? It does get kind of boring around her.

  Bud : Then why do you come?

  Al : [after another strip club patrion elbows Al in the back in the head]  For this... Excuse me sir? You bumped into me and I think you owe me an appology.

  Strip Club Patron : Drop dead.

  [Al punches the other bar patron out and the entire strip club errupts into a bar fight] 

• [repeated line] 

  Al : There is no mix up a sander won't fix up!