The Golden Girls (1985–1992)

Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak, Sophia's Mother

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Quotes 

• Rose : I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.

  Dorothy : Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.

  Rose : Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.

  Dorothy : The final piece of the puzzle.

• [Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle] 

  Blanche : I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

  Dorothy : You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche?

  Blanche : Well there must be homosexuals who date women.

  Sophia : Yeah. They're called lesbians.

• [after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket] 

  Dorothy : Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?

  Rose : No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

• Dorothy : Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?

• Rose : Can I ask a dumb question?

  Dorothy : Better than anyone I know.

• Rose : I just had a thought...

  Sophia , Dorothy , Blanche : Congratulations.

• [Discussing a bad actress who played Anne Frank in a community theater play] 

  Dorothy : I mean, for the entire second act, the audience kept yelling, "She's in the attic, she's in the attic!"

• Rose : Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.

  Dorothy : Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.

• [Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom] 

  Rose : Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.

  Dorothy : Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.

• [on being compared to Charlie's Angels] 

  Blanche : I was once told I bore a striking resemblance to Cheryl Ladd... but my bosoms are perkier.

  Dorothy : Not even if you were hanging upside-down from a trapeze!

• Dorothy : We're here to pay for a funeral.

  Mr. Pfeiffer : Oh, isn't that nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother.

  Sophia : [walks a little bit closer]  Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

• Dorothy : [impressed with some advice from Blanche]  Blanche, you'd have made a great psychologist.

  Sophia : Way to go pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour!

• Blanche : I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.

  Dorothy : Ah, your first kiss was in the rain?

  Blanche : No, it was in the shower.

• Blanche : No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets.

  Dorothy : Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story.

• Rose : Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...

  Dorothy : That's always a safe bet, Rose.

  Rose : ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.

  Blanche : Well, what's wrong with that?

  Rose : Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

• Blanche : This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.

  Dorothy : In what, Blanche, dog years?

• Rose : This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.

  Dorothy : Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"

  Rose : Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.

  Dorothy : Oh... that's okay.

  Rose : [pauses for a moment to rethink her approach]  Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...

  Dorothy : ROSE!

• [Rose and Dorothy confront Blanche about sleeping with Gil Kessler, Rose says to Blanche regarding the newspaper article] 

  Rose : Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in a building 10 blocks away?

  Dorothy : [Holding her head]  Rose, that was an article about an earthquake in GUATEMALA.

• Dorothy : What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?

  Rose : YES!

• [Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over] 

  Sophia : And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?

  Dorothy : Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.

• Blanche : Dorothy, where's my heating pad?

  Dorothy : [laying on sofa under a blanket]  How should I know?

  Blanche : [pulling electric cord from under blanket]  If this isn't it I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

• Dorothy : [Sophia is busily cooking]  Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?

  Sophia : Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.

  Dorothy : I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.

  Sophia : No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.

• Blanche : Can you believe it? After four long years, my baby girl is finally coming to see me. I'm so happy, I could cry.

  Rose : But Blanche, you *are* crying!

  Dorothy : Admit it, Rose, you worked for Allied Intelligence during World War II.

  Rose : Huh?

  Dorothy : Fine. Play it cagey.

• Blanche : The Great Herring War?

  Rose : Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.

  Dorothy : Oh, THAT Great Herring War.

• Dorothy : When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.

• Dorothy : Blanche, have you heard of the latest campaigns? "Join the navy, see the world... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"? "Join the army, be all you can be... sleep with Blanche Devereaux"?

  [getting angry] 

  Dorothy : "The marines are looking for a few good men who have *not* slept with Blanche Devereaux"!

• Sophia : Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.

  Dorothy : I'm so sorry. What happened?

  Sophia : [sarcastically]  She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

  [agitated] 

  Sophia : SHE WAS 88!

  Rose : Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

• [Dorothy, becoming fed up by a clown at a kiddie party, is ready to deck him with a pie] 

  Clown : Before you do that, you should know that Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer. Besides, that wouldn't be a very grown up thing to do.

  Dorothy : [defeated]  No. You're right. I couldn't.

  Bobby (6 years old) : Mr. Ha Ha.

  Clown : Yes Bobby?

  [Clown turns around. Bobby smashes a pie into his face] 

  Bobby (6 years old) : Happy Birthday, Dorothy.

• Blanche : [after being treated like a lady by one of her dates]  I feel like I did when I was a virgin!

  Sophia : You mean the feeling isn't going to last long?

  Blanche : Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

  Sophia : I'm just saying you're lucky Jack-&-Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.

  Blanche : I'm not going to stand for this! Not in my own house...

  Sophia : Take it Dorothy!

  Dorothy : I bet you'll lay down for it!

• Sophia : I need the money for my old age.

  Dorothy : Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.

• Dorothy : Why don't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?

  Rose : And hurt an old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.

• Blanche : [Blanche's umpteenth time saying it in the episode]  I was once arrested for that in Chattanooga.

  Dorothy : Blance, are you allowed to go back to Chattanooga?

  Blanche : Are you kidding? The sheriff still writes.

• [Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them] 

  Rose : I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.

  Blanche : Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.

  Rose : OK. I will.

  Dorothy : Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?

  Rose : The time I was radioactive.

• Dorothy : [after being persuaded to go out dancing]  Oh all right I'll come.Ma where are my dancing shoes?

  Sophia : In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's. How the hell should I know?

• Blanche : What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?

  Sophia : It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.

  Dorothy : Yes, Blanche. It's you.

• Dorothy : Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...

  Sophia : Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night.

• Blanche : Girls have you ever heard of something called dirty dancing?

  Dorothy : Of course Blanche, they did it in that movie!

  Rose : What movie?

  Rose : Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

• Dorothy : [to Sophia]  Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!

• Sophia : All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?

  Dorothy : Ma, what is your sexual problem?

  Sophia : I'm not getting any!

• Blanche : Rose, you must be confused. You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there's some grammar you need help with.

  Dorothy : You ended that sentence with a dangling preposition just to bait me!

  Blanche : What would I do that for?

• Dorothy : Ohhh, do you know how many great, late night talks we've had at this kitchen table over cheesecake?

  Rose : No. How many?

  Dorothy : One hundred and forty-six, Rose!

• Dorothy : [on the phone with a contractor]  No, I'm sorry, that's more than I'm willing to pay for a guest room. Yes, I have heard the expression "you get what you pay for." I've also heard the expression "there's a sucker born every minute."... Yes, I have heard that expression too...

• Rose : You... you... you rude person!

  Dorothy : Go easy on him, Rose.

• Dorothy : Ma, I DON'T snore.

  Sophia : Please! I had to turn you away from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!

• Blanche : Rose, I was about to tell a story.

  Rose : Well, I wanna tell mine.

  Blanche : Dorothy?

  Dorothy : Well, this is a no-win situation... but go ahead, Blanche.

  Rose : Fine, you may never get to hear MY story.

  Dorothy : Then I'm wrong, it isn't a no-win situation.

• Sophia : Alright everyone get ready for temple!

  Dorothy : But Ma, it's Tuesday and we're Catholic.

  Sophia : In that case, bacon and eggs?

• Dorothy : [to Sophia]  You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

• [trying to get animals to breed] 

  Dorothy : What they need is an aphrodisiac.

  Rose : An African what?

  Dorothy : An aphrodisiac, Rose. Something that makes you feel sexy... like Spanish Fly.

  Rose : [disgusted]  Spanish flies?

  Dorothy : Fly, Rose. One Fly. Spanish Fly.

  Rose : Oh, come on Dorothy. I've been to Spain. It's not the cleanest country in the world, they must have thousands of flies.

  Dorothy : It is not a fly Rose! It's a beetle!

  Rose : They call it a fly but it's really a beetle?

  Dorothy : Yes.

  Rose : How do they know it's Spanish?

  Dorothy : Because it wears a little sombrero, Rose!

• Rose : On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no good, underhanded, back-stabbing worm.

  Dorothy : Let me guess, Rose: Ivan Boskivanderfluvenhoovenmeistergarbingerbinfleckman?

  Rose : That's the louse!

• Dorothy : Hi, ma. Where are you going?

  Sophia : To the boardwalk. I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water.

• [Rose has taken Dorothy and Blanche to Mr. Ha Ha's Hot Dog Haciendo, a kiddie birthday party restruant] 

  Rose : Well, you always complained your birthdays are dull and boring. This place looked very exciting!

  Dorothy : Yes, Rose, to a five-year-old... OR SOMEONE WHO THINKS LIKE ONE!

• Rose : Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible.

  Dorothy : I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable.

• Dorothy : Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?

  Blanche : I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here.

  Rose : It looks like a perfume sample.

  Dorothy : Put it behind your ears, Rose.

• Dorothy : You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

• [Blanche and Dorothy are discussing Blanche's birthday gift to Rose: a detective to follow around Rose's boyfriend] 

  Blanche : Well I can't take it back, I paid in advance

  Dorothy : Can't you get a refund?

  Blanche : Well, no, I paid with nature's credit card

  Dorothy : You never leave home without it.

• Rose : I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened.

  Dorothy : You realized you forgot to dial first.

  Rose : No.

  Blanche : You were holding the receiver the wrong way.

  Rose : No.

  Dorothy : You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.

  Rose : No.

  Blanche : A shoe?

  Rose : No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote?

• [Jean, a lesbian, is visiting] 

  Dorothy : Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?

  Sophia : Dorothy, there are a lot of things I wanna try before I die, but that's not one of them!

• Rose : How long were Jean and Pat married?

  Dorothy : They were together for about eight years.

  Rose : Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do... I know! I'll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.

  Dorothy : If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.

• Dorothy : Rose, I am not in denial.

  Rose : Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.

  Dorothy : Rose, honey, I am not denying I'm in denial.

  Rose : If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.

  Dorothy : Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

• Blanche : I can't believe you said that! Oh if I weren't a lady I'd deck you.

  Dorothy : You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.

• Dorothy : Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.

  Sophia : I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!

• Rose : Back where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought cake.

  Dorothy : Rose, back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.

  Rose : Stop it, Dorothy. You're making me homesick!

• Blanche : Well, it's almost dinnertime! Now, what could be taking Rose so long at that job interview?

  Dorothy : Well, if she's taking that long, it's a good sign, isn't it? I mean, how much time does it take to say no?

  Sophia : What are you asking her for? She never said no in her life!

• Blanche : Oh, just shut up! Shut up, you babbling, bobble-headed, bleach blonde...

  [struggles for another word] 

  Sophia : Baboon.

  Blanche : Baboon!

  [storms out] 

  Dorothy , Rose : [stare at Sophia] 

  Sophia : She needed a 'B!'

• Rose : How is he?

  Dorothy : I'll be honest: right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.

• Dorothy : Not Lebanese Blanche, lesbian.

• Blanche : I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons.

  Dorothy : Blanche.

  Blanche : Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 4 kids, I've never had a Mercedes. So, which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.

• Blanche : I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.

  Dorothy : That's pretty jumpy.

• [after getting caught faking a sprained ankle] 

  Sophia : I wuv you.

  Dorothy : Too wittle, too wate.

• [Dorothy is solving a murder mystery] 

  Dorothy : I think I see now how it happened - last evening, at dinner, when Miss McGlen saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...

  Sophia : Big deal. I took a whole place sitting.

  Dorothy : NOT NOW, MA!

• Blanche : Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker...

  [to Dorothy] 

  Blanche : Of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science-fiction.

  [she leaves] 

  Dorothy : Remind me when I feel better to kick the crap out of her.

• Blanche : Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?

  Dorothy : I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!

• [Sophia is translating for an elderly Italian contractor] 

  Sophia : He said, "I am in charge."

  [the contractor says something else] 

  Sophia : He said, "I am the boss."

  [the contractor says something else] 

  Sophia : [confused]  He said, "I am the walrus"?

  Dorothy : Ma, either your Italian is a little rusty or this is the world's oldest hippie.

• Dorothy : Oh, Angela, you really don't have to go!

  Angela : Thank you, Dorothy. I'd love to stay, but I hate your mother.

• Dorothy : [the girls see all of the old men working on their garage]  It looks like the road company of Cocoon.

• Blanche : I'll show Mr. Vaughn around the theatre. I have the most experience.

  Dorothy : The parking lot doesn't count, Blanche!

• [Sophia enters kitchen] 

  Dorothy : You couldn't sleep either, huh?

  Sophia : No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.

• Dorothy : Oh... but you thought we'd be interested in the story of little Yimminy? the boy who was raised by a moose...

  Rose : That moose not only raised little Yimminy, he put him through medical school

• Dorothy : Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.

  Sophia : You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

• Rose : Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away!

  [Sophia leans on the fridge with her eyes closed] 

  Dorothy : Ma, what's wrong?

  Sophia : Nothing. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

• Blanche : Dorothy you're a substitute, your job isn't actually to teach.

  Dorothy : Then what is it?

  Blanche : To keep the kids from burning the school down until the other teacher gets back.

• [Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed] 

  Dorothy : MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!

  Sophia : These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

• [Sophia is in a pirate costume, and the girls are about to meet a famous actor] 

  Sophia : You want me to leave? I can't believe you're embarassed by your own mother!

  Dorothy : When she looks like Vasco de Gama, yes!

• [the girls are sick. Sophia tells a story] 

  Sophia : In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.

  Dorothy : Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.

  Sophia : Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with ear salve wasn't very appetizing-but once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it sold like hot cakes!

  Dorothy : Ma, you're making this up!

  Sophia : So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.

• [Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche discuss Dorothy's lesbian friend,Jean] 

  Sophia : Jean thinks she's in love with Rose!

  Blanche : Rose! Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe this, I don't believe this!

  Dorothy : We were surprised, too.

  Blanche : Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over ME, that ridiculous!

• Dorothy : [about how scary Mrs. Claxton is]  Last Halloween half the kids in the neighborhood wore Freida Claxton costumes.

• Dorothy : Now look here... You withered old Sicilian monkey!

• Dorothy : [Sophia has rented a porno]  Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

  Sophia : I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

  Dorothy : That's not a Steven Spielberg? *What* are they doing?

  Sophia : You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were twelve.

  Dorothy : Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

  Sophia : Dirty is in the eye of the beholder... OK, maybe *that's* a little dirty.

• Rose : I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?

  Dorothy : I haven't noticed.

  Rose : [Blanche enters]  Hi, Blanche!

  Blanche : Must you always be so cheerful, you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off?

  Rose : [to Dorothy]  Let me know if you notice anything.

• Blanche : Why I couldn't... I'd feel like a... like a...

  Dorothy : Like a backstabbing slut?

  Blanche : ...no...

• [Rose is up late, baking] 

  Rose : I couldn't sleep, so I whipped up a batch of Sverhoeven Crispies. It's a traditional midnight snack from St. Olaf dating back to Viking times.

  Dorothy : Well, I guess after a hard night of pillaging and raping, a Viking would want a little something to go with his cocoa.

• Dorothy : [Sophia is staying in the hospital but got lost and the girls can't find her]  I can't believe this is happening! I mean, the last thing I said to her was, "Shut up, Zulu!"

• Sophia : I'm not leaving now. It's just getting good.

  Dorothy : Shady Pines, Ma!

  Sophia : You're bluffing...

  Dorothy : [menacingly]  The West Wing?

  Sophia : I'm right behind you.

• Dorothy : The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?

  Rose : I kept a chicken in my home.

  Dorothy : You see my point?

• Doctor : [to Sophia]  Let's start by taking your temperature

  Sophia : Hmm temperature, I bet he graduated top of his class

  Doctor : [to Dorothy]  Has she been taking her medicine? Does she have any allergies?

  Sophia : [angry at not being adressed]  Excuse me. I've been in this body all my life, if anything goes wrong I'm the first to hear about it!

  Doctor : I'm sorry Sophia, what seems to be the problem?

  Sophia : I'm not a doctor, how am I supposed to know?

  Dorothy : She's been having pain in her chest.

  Doctor : [to Sophia]  What kind of pain?

  Sophia : The kind that hurts.

• [Dorothy is solving a murder mystery] 

  Dorothy : On the other hand, Phillip would never use a Mayan sacrificial knife as a murder weapon. Too obvious. But, it would be no problem for his sister to sneak the weapon out of his collection.

  Gloria : This woman's pathetic.

  Sophia : Oh. Big news. Tear out the front page.

• Sophia : Please, I'm in my twilight years.

  Dorothy : You're in the Twilight ZONE!

• Dorothy : [on Sophia's memory loss]  I hate watching what this is doing to her.

  Blanche : I hate watching what this is doing to you.

  Rose : I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginnings of rented videotapes.

• Sophia : No offense, pussycat.

  Dorothy : None taken, you cankerous little prune!

• Blanche : Dorothy, do you realize it has been three days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?

  Dorothy : Yes, Blanche. I've been marking the days on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar.

  Blanche : Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something!

  Dorothy : Blanche, there is nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand!

• Dorothy : Rose, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck!

  Rose : No, but you do look the woman who used to drive it.

• Dorothy : We're having a surprise birthday party for Blanche. Why don't you go out to the lanai and mingle with the guests?

  Sophia : OK! What's a lanai?

  Dorothy : Porch!

  Sophia : Well, excuse me, Krystle Carrington!

• Dorothy : So, how much is this Italian contractor going to charge for remodeling the garage?

  Sophia : [the contractor speaks in Italian, and Sophia translates]  He said he'll do it for free for three reasons! One, he loves his work, two, his men haven't been together for a while, and three, he loves to be in the company of pretty young women!

  Dorothy : Oh, wow... in that case, I guess we'll have to agree!

  Sophia : Great! So, here's a list of the pretty young women that you'll have to hire.

• Rose : I'm gonna make a special glückenflügen to celebrate it. It's a special dish that takes hours to prepare.

  Dorothy : Ohh! Please Rose! Why don't you do what we all do? Buy frozen glückenflügen!

• Sophia : My hiney's asleep.

  Dorothy : Fine, we'll keep our voices down.

• Sophia : I hate communism.

  Dorothy : Of course you hate communism, Ma it's because you were raised a fascist.

• Dorothy : [the girls visit a birthing center]  What kind of idiot would want to give birth here?

  Rose : This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

• Dorothy : Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains.

• Dorothy : Is that all you care about? Money and applause?

  Blanche : And sex. For which I usually *get* applause.

• Dorothy : It's wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.

• Dorothy : You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean, where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the - the true spirit of Christmas?

  Sophia : Neiman-Marcus, Ladies Apparel, third floor.

• Blanche : You know, a lot of those European girls don't shave under their arms.

  Rose : Is that true?

  Blanche : They just let it all hang out.

  Rose : Really?

  Blanche : Bushy as can be.

  Rose : Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?

  Dorothy : Like Milton Berle.

• Rose : When men see that you shave your legs above the knee, what does that say to them?

  Blanche : Hopefully it says, '"Touch my leg!"

  Dorothy : That's in case they miss the tattoo that says the same.

• Dorothy : [after Blanche and Rose meanly point out the flaws in her body]  Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "Too Ugly To Live?"

• Blanche : [looking after Rose, who has just left the lanai crying]  What's the matter with her?

  Dorothy : She's upset.

  Blanche : Is it about Arnie?

  Dorothy : No, Blanche. She's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke!

• Dorothy : It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

• Dorothy : Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind.

  Blanche : Tell that to my thighs.

• Blanche : You know what the worst part about getting older is?

  Dorothy : Your face, Rose's hands?

• [trying to get Blanche to come out of her room] 

  Dorothy : You're right, Blanche. These naked southern guys sure can dance.

• [a very short man visits the girls] 

  Dorothy : [to the man]  May I take your height - *hat*?

• Dorothy : How come whenever my ship comes in it's leaking?

• Dorothy : Ma, I'm never playing cards with you again!

  Sophia : Yes you will. You're just too competitive. It's always been your worst feature. No, wait-your ears are your worst feature.

  Dorothy : Can you believe that?

  Blanche : No, I always thought your bony feet were your worst feature.

• Rose : [discussing hair removal products]  Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?

  Dorothy : What is it?

  Rose : Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away from below the skin line.

  Dorothy : Yeah, I don't know whether I wanna use this. It says it's gonna hurt.

  Rose : Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.

  Dorothy : Why don't we just set each other on fire?

  Rose : Dorothy...

  Dorothy : All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.

• Dorothy : Rose... Get professional help.