10 (1979)

George Webber : I was in the Royal Air Force as a matter of fact.

Bill Collins : I thought you had to be English to be in that.

George Webber : You do.

Bill Collins : You an English fella, huh?

George Webber : Mm-hmm.

Bill Collins : [after long reflection] That's all right.

Don : [Don answers the phone] Lounge.

Telephone Operator : Mr. Webber, please.

Don : Wait one moment.

[aside to George]

Don : Are you in?

George Webber : No, no.

Don : [on the phone to the operator] Listen, kitty, until otherwise instructed, Mr. Webber'll be incomunnicado.

Telephone Operator : Oh, my God! Where's that?

Don : About 20 miles due east, and make a left turn.

Telephone Operator : Okay. Thank you, Don.

Don : Cleaver girl. She wanted to know where "Communicado" was.

George Webber : Oh, it's very obvious. It's a stone's throw from "Cognito."

Don : [chuckling] Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Jenny Hanley : I don't know what your problem is, but, I don't think you're going to solve it by trying to solve mine.

George Webber : Fine.

Jenny Hanley : And I don't think I really have a problem, George.

George Webber : That's your problem.

George Webber : If you were dancing with your wife, or girlfriend you knew in high school, and you said to her, Darling, they're playing our song, do you know what they'd be playing?

Don : What?

George Webber : Why Don't We Do It In The Road. Fuckin' hell kind of era is that?

George Webber : By what name are you known, sir?

Don : Donald. Don, to my friends and paying customers.

George Webber : In that case, I'll have another double Don. Double Don, God, that's going to be difficult to say by the shank of the evening. Better make that one a single.

Police Officer : You better take it easy. Pain pills and alcohol don't mix.

George Webber : [laughs] You could have fooled me.

George Webber : Look, there's nothing wrong with people being happy; but, there's more to life than turning on and screwing to Ravel's "Bolero."

Jenny Hanley : Sure there is. But, what's wrong with turning on and screwing to Ravel's "Bolero"?

Jenny Hanley : I like different music for different things. I like to listen to Rock. I like to dance to Jazz.

George Webber : What do you like to do with Prokofiev?

Jenny Hanley : Fuck.

Jenny Hanley : About two weeks ago, David and I saw you on "Dinah Shore." I have to be honest, I didn't know who you were or what you did, but, I said to David,"Now, there's a really attractive older man."

George Webber : Oh. That's nice.

Jenny Hanley : And you've written all those songs.

George Webber : A few.

Jenny Hanley : Elevator music.

George Webber : Oh, God. Elevator music.

Jenny Hanley : Sure, you know, the music you hear in elevators. Lots of violins.

George Webber : Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm very big in elevators.

Jenny Hanley : Did you ever do it to Ravel's "Bolero"?

George Webber : No.

Jenny Hanley : My Uncle turned me on to it.

George Webber : Doesn't he do anything except swim and jog on the beach?

Hugh : Oh yes! He makes me happy. So I let him swim and jog on the beach.

Samantha Taylor : [examining George's bee sting] That looks bad, have you taken anything for it?

George Webber : Ah, yes, I took four of your birth control pills, I hope that's okay.

Samantha Taylor : [kisses George on the cheek] Try an antihistimine.

George Webber : I don't like those, they make me pregnant.

George Webber : That sonofabitch across the way's got a bigger telescope than we have.

Samantha Taylor : Not we have. *You* have. I don't need to peep into somebody else's windows to get my jollies. You're a dirty old man, George, and so is your friend.

George Webber : He's not my friend.

Samantha Taylor : Well, he should be. You must know him intimately by now.

George Webber : I don't watch him. I watch his broads. He's got a helluva stable over there.

Samantha Taylor : Then he must be pretty good in the sack, huh?

George Webber : What's that got to do with it?

Samantha Taylor : Well, unless he's using some new remote control screwing device, how can you keep from watching him too?

George Webber : I concentrate on the broads.

Samantha Taylor : Well, he's around, isn't he?

George Webber : What are you getting so head up for?

Samantha Taylor : You got the time or you want to wait until after the Late Show?

[George turns off the TV]

Samantha Taylor : First, I'm getting a little fed up at sexually emancipated ladies being referred to as broads. Second, I think a telescope aimed at anything other than the stars is an invasion of privacy and qualifies the voyeur as a Peeping Tom - and there's a very good law against that. Third, the first two really wouldn't bother me a bit if you'd stop watching so God *damn* much television and pay a little more attention to your bedroom guests. *This* guest in particular. Now, you want to argue or you want to make love?

George Webber : Define broad.

Samantha Taylor : You're definition or mine?

George Webber : Mine. I know yours.

Samantha Taylor : A girl who screws around a lot.

George Webber : A hooker.

Samantha Taylor : A hooker's a hooker. The fact that they both spread their legs doesn't make the terminology interchangeable.

George Webber : What's the difference?

Samantha Taylor : A hooker sells it.

George Webber : Yeah, so does a broad! The only difference is a hooker makes the price going in.

Samantha Taylor : Ah, so by definition, a "broad" is less virtuous than a hooker.

George Webber : As far as I'm concerned, virtue has got absolutely nothing to do with it.

Samantha Taylor : As far as your concerned, or any man for that matter, virtue has *everything* to do with it.

George Webber : Listen, I just said "broad". You chose to apply a disparaging connotation to the term.

Samantha Taylor : Come on, George. Are you really trying to tell me that "broad" is *not* a term used by men to describe women in a disparaging fashion?

George Webber : I'm just saying *I* didn't use it that way.

Samantha Taylor : Would you call me a "broad"?

George Webber : That depends.

Samantha Taylor : On whether you were watching me through a telescope while I - was fooling around with your degenerate neighbor?

George Webber : No.

Samantha Taylor : Okay, you define it.

George Webber : Well, first and foremost, I don't equate the term *exclusively* with sex, voyeurism or quote "degeneracy". You do that.

Samantha Taylor : So do you; but, you won't admit it.

George Webber : "Broad" to me is just another colloquial term for woman. Like dame, skirt...

Samantha Taylor : Moll.

George Webber : Crumpet. *Moll*. I'm sure John Dillinger never used that word in a derogatory fashion.

Samantha Taylor : For authority on female agrandisment, consult the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List.

George Webber : Better still, let's look it up.

Samantha Taylor : No. I want *your* definition. Not Webster's.

George Webber : I'm going to get Monsieur Roget's definition. You know my definition. "Broad" means woman. Not good. Not bad. Unless so designated.

Samantha Taylor : *You* said a broad does it for money.

George Webber : *You* said a hooker sells it. I said so does a broad.

Samantha Taylor : Okay, if a broad is a woman, then women screw for money, huh?

George Webber : *Some* women.

Samantha Taylor : Broads!

George Webber : Some - broads do it for other things. But, in a way, they sell it.

[looking in Roget's Thesaurus]

George Webber : Alright, here we are. "Woman: dame, hen, petticoat."

Samantha Taylor : "Slang or derogatory: Jane, *broad*!" Okay, how about that smart ass? You want to look up derogatory?

George Webber : Hugh, sometimes you really are a - pain in the ass *fag*.

Hugh : Well, coming from one of the really great Anglo-Saxon heterosexual bores of all time, I consider that the ultimate compliment. You know, you have been brooding and sulking around my house all morning, without the good manners to explain or apologies and I am fed up. So, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to call it a day. I'm going to invite some company over too. Soak up the strain. Some happy, conversational, intellectually stimulating, pleasant company.

George Webber : The Malibu chapter of the Sugar Plum Fairies?

Hugh : Since you don't qualify in any of those categories, you will understand why I don't ask you to stay.

George Webber : I couldn't. I forgot my tutu.

Hugh : Yeah, well, I'll see you later, Butch.

George Webber : I thought we were going to make love?

Samantha Taylor : [walking out] That will cost you 50 bucks and an apology.

Ed McMahon : [on TV] Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

George Webber : Some of my oldest and dearest friends are *broads*.

Samantha Taylor : Including your mother.

George Webber : Yeah, you bet!

Samantha Taylor : [singing] I want a broad, just like a broad...

George Webber : And my maternal grandmother was one of the greatest *broads* that ever lived. They don't make *broads* like that anymore.

George Webber : I don't like - middle age. I mean, it's not that complicated. I'd just rather be 30 - or 20 even. God, and you can bet your ass to make it, I'd have to change places with Larry in a life of fagatry - I'd sure as hell give it a lot of consideration.

Dr. Croce : You don't consider that significant?

George Webber : Look, I'm just using an extreme example to make a point.

Dr. Croce : But, if you could, wouldn't you change places with Larry?

George Webber : But, I can't! Didn't you ever play games like that?

Dr. Croce : But, not to the point were I got all hung up with it. You're becoming obsessed with the ugliness of old age. The fear of death and the inevitability of it. You'd even change places with a homosexual to put it off. So, what do you do? Do you play it safe? You get a fixation on a - beautiful young girl. A vision, I think, was your description. And I suspect - for your total vision - a virgin.

George Webber : She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

Dr. Croce : On a scale from 1 to 10?

George Webber : Eleven.

Dr. Croce : You said there was no such thing as a 10?

Mary Lewis : I don't mean to be rude, but, aren't you George Webber?

George Webber : Yes, I am and I don't think you're being the tiniest bit rude.

Mary Lewis : Terrific! I met you at Truman Capote's party.

George Webber : Terrific!

Samantha Taylor : [on the phone] When do you plan on coming back? George?

George Webber : Darling, I won't stay a minute - a minute longer than I have to. Just a couple of days, a couple of weeks. You know, I should have it all sorted out. I love you too much to put you through all that sort of rubbish. I need - I need the time - to be alone. Okay? Sam? Sam?

Samantha Taylor : Mmm-hmm.

George Webber : Say something.

Samantha Taylor : Piss off, George!

Mary Lewis : [naked in bed] George, is it me?

George Webber : No.

Mary Lewis : Yes, it is.

George Webber : Okay.

Mary Lewis : Is it?

George Webber : No!

Mary Lewis : It is me, isn't it.

George Webber : No.

Mary Lewis : Has it ever happened to you before? Well, it's happened to me before.