Walter Matthau: Lt. Garber
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Quotes
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Lt. Garber : [looking for the inspector] Inspector Daniels?
Inspector Daniels : [identifying himself] Daniels.
Lt. Garber : [realizing that Inspector Daniels is Black] Oh, I, uh, thought you were, uh, like a shorter guy or... I don't know what I thought.
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Lt. Rico Patrone : What's up, Z?
Lt. Garber : You won't believe it.
Lt. Rico Patrone : You know me, I'll believe anything.
Lt. Garber : A train has been hijacked.
Lt. Rico Patrone : I don't believe it.
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Lt. Garber : [Speaking to the wounded male undercover officer with long hair, face down on the tracks] We'll have an ambulance here in no time, miss.
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Mr. Green : Look, I got my rights! This is my home! I just want a little peace and quiet. Now, just do me a favor, willya? Get the hell out of here!
Lt. Garber : Sorry if we bothered you, Mr. Longman. C'mon, Rico.
[Mr. Green sneezes]
Lt. Garber : Gesundheit.
[beat, then Garber reopens the door, to glare knowingly at Mr. Longman, who, he's now certain is 'Mr. Green']
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Lt. Garber : These are the assignment desks, one for each of the lines. This is the BMT, the IRT. Here's the IND. There's our artist in residence. And right through here's our operations lieutenant, Enrico Patrone, who on weekends works for the mafia.
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Mr. Blue : Excuse me, do you people still execute in this state?
Lt. Garber : What? Oh, execute. No, not at the moment.
Mr. Blue : Pity.
[he then steps on the 3rd rail - electrocuting himself]
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Mrs. Jenkins : Grand Central Tower calling Command Center.
Lt. Garber : Yeah, this is Command Center.
Mrs. Jenkins : She's moving.
Lt. Garber : Who's moving?
Mrs. Jenkins : Pelham One Two Three.
Lt. Garber : What? Since when?
Mrs. Jenkins : Just started.
Lt. Garber : Hold on, I'll put you on tie-in.
Lt. Garber : Rico, she's moving.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Who's moving?
Lt. Garber : Who d'ya think? Pelham.
Lt. Rico Patrone : It's too soon, we're not set up yet.
Lt. Garber : Which is probably why they did it. You heard from Daniels yet?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Yeah, he's in a squad car on Park Avenue South.
Lt. Garber : Inspector Daniels, she's moving, sir.
Inspector Daniels : Who's moving?
Lt. Garber : What's the matter with everybody? How many hijacked trains we got around here, anyway?
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Mr. Blue : It is 2:24, Lieutenant, you've got 49 minutes.
Lt. Garber : Be reasonable, will you? We're trying to cooperate with you but we can't do anything if you don't give us enough time to work with.
Mr. Blue : 49 minutes.
Lt. Garber : We're dealing with City Hall, for God's sake, you know what a mess of red tape that is?
Mr. Blue : 49 minutes.
Lt. Garber : Look, fella, we know how to tell time as well as you do, but we're not gonna get anywhere if all you do is repeat forty-nine minutes!
Mr. Blue : Forty-*eight* minutes.
Lt. Garber : Yeah, all right, we'll get back to you as soon as we can.
[after shutting off the mic]
Lt. Garber : Son of a bitch.
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Lt. Garber : Did you get that list of motormen who were discharged for cause I asked you to get?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Yeah: 78 names.
Lt. Garber : 78?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Yeah, but it's not that bad. Eight are dead, 22 were rehired, 11 are in jail, 26 moved away, one's in a mental institution, and another's a member of the New York Police Department.
Lt. Garber : That's our man right there.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Sorry to disappoint you, Zachary, but he was accounted for.
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Lt. Garber : Rico, you want to make yourself useful? Get personnel and tell them to get together a list of all motormen discharged for cause during the past five to ten years.
Lt. Rico Patrone : What are you looking for?
Lt. Garber : Somebody down there knows how to drive a train. You don't pick that up watching Sesame Street. Tell them we want it today.
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Correll : I don't give a rat's ass for your fucking instructions. I'm not lifting a finger to help the killers of Caz Dolowicz.
Correll : [Grabbed by the shirt by Lt.Garber] Hey, Jesus!
Lt. Garber : Now you listen to me, you dumb son of a bitch. You don't do what I tell you, you'll be having *dinner* tonight with Caz Dolowicz!
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Mr. Blue : Officer, I suppose you couldn't use a quarter of a million dollars, could you?
Lt. Garber : Quarter of a million? No, thanks. My accountant says I've accepted enough for this fiscal quarter.
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Lt. Rico Patrone : Wait a minute. I just figured out how they're going to get away.
Lt. Garber : I'm listening.
Lt. Rico Patrone : They're going to fly the train to Cuba.
Lt. Garber : You're a sick man, Rico.
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Correll : Christ, to hear you plead with that chickenshit makes me ashamed to be an American.
Lt. Garber : Go away, will you, Frank? Go play with your trains.
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Correll : Don't bug me, Garber. I've got problems.
Lt. Garber : Oh, yeah? What's the matter?
Correll : Oh, nothing: a train is down, its radio's dead, the power's off, and it's dumped its load. Aside from that, everything's ginger-peachy.
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Lt. Garber : Frank, how much longer before the track's clear all the way to South Ferry?
Correll : You mean before this railroad is so totally fucked up it'll take a computer to put it back together?
Lt. Garber : Yes, Frank, that's what I meant.
Correll : About five or six minutes. I got a snag over at Brooklyn Bridge.
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Inspector Daniels : Garber, I just had a terrible thought: suppose they're not on the train? What if they set the throttle and jumped off? While we're chasing the train, they're sneaking out of an emergency exit somewhere behind us.
Lt. Garber : Ingenious thought, sir, except for one thing: it's impossible.
Inspector Daniels : Why?
Lt. Garber : Little gizmo known as a dead man's feature. It was built into the controller handle in case a motorman should ever drop dead. The controller handle has to have a man's hand pressing down on it hard at all times. Otherwise, the thing don't work. The train stops cold.
Inspector Daniels : Uh-huh. I see.
Lt. Garber : Nice try, though.
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Lt. Garber : Hey Pelham; it might interest you to know I figured out how you're gonna do it.
Mr. Blue : [Mr. Blue, sitting in the motorman's car, picks up the mic] Yes, it would interest me vey much .
Lt. Garber : You're gonna make every man, woman and child in New York City close their eyes and count to a hundred, right?
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Lt. Garber : Listen, fella, I hope you take this in the right spirit,but after this is over you should seek psychiatric help.
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Lt. Garber : Inspector, that short move they made between 28th Street and 17th Street - why did they do that?
Inspector Daniels : I don't know.
Lt. Garber : Suppose they wanted to do something they didn't want anybody else to know about?
Inspector Daniels : Like what?
Lt. Garber : Like jumping off the train! Turn around, Inspector, we're going back to 17th Street.
Inspector Daniels : Like hell we are!
Lt. Garber : They are not on the train. I'm sure of it!
Inspector Daniels : Look, Garber, I suggested that in the first place and you shot me down. Something about a dead man's feature?
Lt. Garber : But they figured out how to beat that! That's their plan! That's what they started with!
Inspector Daniels : [to his driver] Turn this thing around and burn rubber.
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Lt. Garber : Hey, Frank, you know who went down to 28th Street from Grand Central?
Correll : Yeah, Caz Dolowicz. Why?
Lt. Garber : Sheesh. I knew him.
Correll : What do you mean, you "knew" him?
Lt. Garber : They just shot him.
Correll : Dead?
[Garber nods]
Correll : Caz? 'Fat Caz'?
Lt. Garber : Yep.
Correll : Awww, shit!
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Lt. Garber : Rico, she's moving.
Lt. Rico Patrone : Who's moving?
Lt. Garber : Who do you think? Pelham!
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Lt. Garber : Inspector Daniels? She's moving, sir.
Inspector Daniels : Who's moving?
Lt. Garber : What's the matter with everybody? How many hijacked trains have we got around here, anyway?
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Lt. Garber : [Repeated line to Mr. Green, each time, after he sneezes] Gesundheit.
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Lt. Garber : [Lt. Garber's taking the 4 executive from the Tokyo subway system on tour, and everywhere he takes them, nothin. He sees Lt. Rico Patron in his office, and decides to stop by. Rico is busily engaged - thumbing though the day's New York Daily News] Rico, I'd like you to meet some good friends of the chairman
Lt. Rico Patrone : [Rico glances upwards, momentarily] Hiya.
Lt. Garber : Very good friends, Rico.
Lt. Rico Patrone : [Rico glances upwards. Again] Hiya.
[Rico turns back to looking at his paper]
Lt. Garber : Rico, these are the directors of the Tokyo subway
[the 4 executives, all standing in front of Rico's desk, bow at him. Rico slightly smiles, and then again, looks at his newspaper. Garber looks exacerbated, and grimaces]
Lt. Garber : Why don't you tell these gentlemen about some of the exciting things that have happened in the New York City subway system, lately, Rico?
Lt. Rico Patrone : Well, we had a bomb scare in the Bronx, yesterday, But, it turned out to be a cantaloupe.
[Garber looks at the execs with a look of desperation. The Japanese executives look stone-faced. Rico looks at them, then looks up at Garber]
Lt. Rico Patrone : I'm busy, Zach, okay?
Lt. Garber : [Garber leads the men out of Rico's office, and onto the open office space] In the course of a normal work week, the average TA policemen deals with such crimes as robbery, assault, murder, drunkenness illness, vandalism, mishegas, abusiveness, sexual molestation, exhibitionism...
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Lt. Garber : Well, the guy who's talking s'got a heavy English accent. He could be a fruitcake.
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Lt. Garber : [identifying himself as they drive up to the toll booth to question the attendant] Transit Authority.
Toll Booth Officer : Still gotta pay.
Lt. Garber : Hey, your name is Lattimer?
Toll Booth Officer : What about it?
Lt. Garber : Well, just answer a question, would you please, fella?
Toll Booth Officer : Look, I don't work for you guys anymore. You don't get shit from me.
Lt. Garber : Hey, can you account for your whereabouts today, Mr. Lattimer?
Toll Booth Officer : Are you trying to connect me with that hijacking? Forget it! I've been here since 2:30 this afternoon.
Lt. Garber : You sure?
Toll Booth Officer : Sure? Ask anybody.
Lt. Garber : Don't worry, we will.
[they start to drive away]
Toll Booth Officer : Hold it! It's still gonna be 50 cents.
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Inspector Daniels : You better be right about this, Garber.
Lt. Garber : Well, even if I am, it's probably too late.
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Lt. Garber : [after talking to Mr Blue on the radio] The guy who's talking's got a heavy English accent. He could be a fruitcake.
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Lt. Garber : Gentlemen, this is the T8 command center. Come on in, a lot of laughs in here. Terrific place. Y'see, each train is identified by the name of its terminus and the time of its departure. Thus an express train leaving Woodlawn at 6:30 pm would be Woodlawn six three o. While on its return trip, its destination might be, ah, say, like, Flatbush eight two five. I hope you're memorizing all this junk, I'm gonna ask questions later. Don't worry about a thing. They don't understand a word of English. This way, dummies. Just step this way, dummies.
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Lt. Garber : You won't believe it.
Lt. Rico Patrone : You know me, I'll believe anything.
Lt. Garber : The train's been hijacked.
Lt. Rico Patrone : I don't believe it.
