Mary Poppins (1964)

Ed Wynn: Uncle Albert

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mary Poppins : [watching Bert, Albert, Jane, and Michael laugh together on the ceiling]  Why, it"s the most disgraceful sight I"ve ever seen, or my name isn"t Mary Poppins.

  Bert : Speakin" o" names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

  Uncle Albert : What"s the name of his other leg?

  [he, Bert, Jane, and Michael laugh] 

• Bert : Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?

  Uncle Albert : [sobbing]  I"d be so grateful.

  Bert : Righto. Well, it"s about me granddad, see, and one night he had a nightmare, he did. So scared that he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. Next morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth."

  [Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder] 

  Bert : I always say there"s nothing like a good joke.

  Uncle Albert : [sobbing]  No, and that was nothing like a good joke.

• Bert : It reminds me of me brother. He got a nice cushy job at a watch factory.

  Uncle Albert : At a watch factory? What does he do?

  Bert : He stands about all day... and makes faces!

  Uncle Albert : [laughing hysterically]  He makes faces in a watch factory!

• [Uncle Albert had been asked if there is a way to get down from being up in the air] 

  Uncle Albert : There is a way. And frankly, I don"t like to think of it, because you have to think of something sad.

  Mary Poppins : Then do get on with it, please.

  Uncle Albert : Let me see... I have the very thing: Yesterday, when the lady next door answered the door, there was a man there, and the man said to the lady, "I"m terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat."

  [Jane and Michael descend from being up in the air] 

  Jane : Oh, that is sad.

  Michael : The poor cat.

  Uncle Albert : And the man said, "I"d like to replace your cat." And the lady said, "That"s all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?"

  [then they all burst out laughing and Jane and Michael re-ascend back to the tea table in the air] 

• Uncle Albert : Speaking of weather, the other day when it was so cold, a friend of mine went to buy some long underwear. The shopkeeper said to him, "How long do you want it?" And my friend said, "Well, from about September to March."