- Rose DeLeon: I must be the prized dope of all-time... thinking I could pry you away from your mama's ever-lovin' tentacles.
- Mae Peterson: [singing] Kids! Never once appreciate how I sacrificed. Working, slaving, scrimping, saving pennies... and livin' with your father!
- Doris McAfee: You know these adolescents! Kim'll lose face!
- Harry McAfee: And if I don't get him out that's not all she'll...
- Ballet manager: This ballet has historic significance. It was performed the same day as the funeral of the Tzar. Lenin himself made the arrangement.
- Albert Peterson: Lenin arranged music?
- Ballet manager: No, funerals.
- Rose DeLeon: Well we could sure use the money. Any day now we'll have another mouth to feed.
- Ed Sullivan: Rosie, you're not even married.
- Rose DeLeon: His mother!
- Mae Peterson: Now, don't try to pay me back, son. I forgive you. So what if you're an ingrate? So long as you're happy.
- Albert Peterson: I don't wanna be happy!
- Doris McAfee: Tell me, Mrs. Peterson, what does your husband do?
- Mae Peterson: I don't know, he's dead.
- [first lines]
- John Daly: This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit in front of the nation's Capitol bringing you special on the spot coverage of our current teenage crisis over the drafting of Conrad Birdie. Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon. And for those few music lovers who have never attended one of his concerts, here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise.
- [brief satirically humorous montage of female teenage fans swooning over Conrad Birdie]
- John Daly: And that, that is our army's newest weapon. Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days; his income drops from two million dollars a year to seventy-eight dollars a month. It could only happen in America.
- Ballet manager: Save your life? Me? My friend, if you are sick, see a doctor.
- Albert Peterson: "If you are sick, see a doctor." You speak English?
- Ballet manager: Saves time.
- [after Kim has dyed her hair]
- Harry McAfee: You dare defy your mother?
- Kim McAfee: Well, it's my hair.
- Harry McAfee: Not till you're 21!
- Harry McAfee: No matter how many millions I make selling Speed-Up, I'll still be the same humble, lovable guy I always was. And if any of those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em.
- Albert Peterson: [singing] Oh one last kiss... there never was such bliss... I love your dentifrice!
- Randolph MacAfee: I respect ya, Papa!
- Harry McAfee: I don't want your respect! Who wants respect from a ten-year-old kid?
- Kim McAfee: Harry, do you have a cigarette? I've run out.
- Harry McAfee: So have I, how 'bout my pipe?
- Rose DeLeon: [after Albert hears his mother calling him] Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets mother. Yeesh!
- protesting female teenage crowd in front of the Capitol: [singing] We love you Conrad, oh yes we do / We love you Conrad, and we'll be true / When you're not near us, we're blue / Oh Conrad, we love you
- [repeats]
- Kim McAfee: [singing] Bye bye Birdie / I'm gonna miss ya so / Bye bye Birdie / Why'd ya have to go? / No more sunshine / It's followed you away / I'll cry 'Birdie' / Till you're home to stay / I'll miss the way you smile, as though it's just for me / and each and every night, I'll write you faithfully / Bye bye Birdie / It's awful hard to bare / Bye bye Birdie / Yes I'll always care / Yes I'll always care / Yes I'll always care
- Ed Sullivan: What's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you?
- Rose DeLeon: Well, let's face it, I'm a scheming woman. I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out! If you buy it, I want a little favor.
- Ed Sullivan: Alright, let's try it out for size.
- Rose DeLeon: How'd you like a terrific build up before the show that'll have every TV set tuned into you next Sunday?
- Bob Precht: We will have. After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie.
- Rose DeLeon: This is bigger.
- Ed Sullivan: Bigger?
- Rose DeLeon: Before Conrad Birdie goes in the Army, he bestows a farewell kiss on all the swooning girls that worship him - on your TV show!
- Rose DeLeon: Oh, Marge, it's amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her.
- Marge - Birdie's Secretary: You mean you doped Albert's mother?
- Rose DeLeon: No. But, if this doesn't work, that's my next move.
- Kim McAfee: And now I'm alive! Fulfilled. Now I know what it means to be a woman.
- Ursula: It should only happen to me. Kim, where did he pin you?
- Kim McAfee: On the backseat. Oh, bless that lovely yellow school bus.
- Albert Peterson: You owe me nothing, even though you were molded by me.
- Rose DeLeon: Molded?
- Albert Peterson: Yeah. Like Eliza Doolittle got molded from Pygmalion.
- Rose DeLeon: I was molded?
- Albert Peterson: What were you when I found you anyway? Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop.
- Albert Peterson: Suicide is for cowards. I don't desert the woman I love.
- Rose DeLeon: Oh, Albert, I'm sorry. I should have known.
- Albert Peterson: Mama would never get over it.
- Rose DeLeon: Mama?
- Albert Peterson: I don't care what Sullivan pays you. No woman is supporting Albert Peterson.
- Rose DeLeon: Oh, you're not listening, darling.
- Albert Peterson: I am not a gigolo!
- Albert Peterson: I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi.
- Mae Peterson: Taxis? Taxis are for my successful son. A dirty crowded subway is good enough for a mother. Mother's nothin' nowadays. Who's that?
- Albert Peterson: Mommy, you know Rose DeLeon. And guess what?
- Mae Peterson: This is that - pretty Rose DeLeon? Oh, I don't believe it. Rose, what happened to ya? You had a fatal sickness or somethin'?
- Rose DeLeon: It's nice to see you again.
- Kim McAfee: Doris? - Mother. - Mommy! - Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! Conrad Birdie's coming over to kiss me!
- Doris McAfee: Oh, isn't that nice.
- Kim McAfee: You don't understand! Conrad Birdie's coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me! Oh, Mommy! Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Doris McAfee: I never thought I'd say it, but - God bless Conrad Birdie!
- Ursula: Before you hear from the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your final kiss upon, we will now recite the Conrad Birdie pledge.
- Ursula, Kim McAfee, Girls of Sweet Apple: I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise, to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true, to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America, both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Yeah!
- Conrad Birdie: [singing] Write this down now, You gotta be sincere, Honestly sincere, Man, you've gotta be, Sincere, If you're really sincere, If you're really sincere, If you feel it in here, Then it's gotta be right, Oh, baby, Oh, honey, Hug me, Ah, suffer...
- Harry McAfee: You kids go home before I sick the constable on ya! Go on! Get that carnival off my front lawn! I'll show them who's boss. Harry McAfee's not going to be pushed around by any roll-n-rocker!
- Harry McAfee: I've changed my mind. My daughter is not going to be publicly kissed by that - that wiggler!
- Harry McAfee: Now, hear this. I have decided that bunch of grafters is getting out of here! That is the unshakable decree that I have made as head of this household. So you go upstairs and tell them.
- Doris McAfee: Me? How can I tell Mr. Peterson and that nice Miss DeLeon?
- Harry McAfee: Nice? I know that show business crowd - probably living in sin.
- Doris McAfee: Harry Lionel McAfee!
- Harry McAfee: I never told you, but one summer I worked with the circus. Oh, those midgets, wild!
- Harry McAfee: Me? On Ed Sullivan?
- Doris McAfee: Oh, I'd die! What would I wear?
- Harry McAfee: Gee, Ed Sullivan. He's my favorite human. That's why I decided to let Kim go on in the first place. Me? On the Ed Sullivan Show?
- [singing]
- Harry McAfee: Ed Sullivan.
- [speaking]
- Harry McAfee: Me, Harry McAfee appearing with
- [singing]
- Harry McAfee: Ed Sullivan.
- Harry McAfee, Doris McAfee: [singing] Ed. Ed Sullivan.
- Harry McAfee, Doris McAfee, Kim McAfee: Ed. Ed Sullivan.
- Randolph MacAfee: Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan.
- Harry McAfee, Doris McAfee, Kim McAfee, Randolph MacAfee: Ed. Ed. Sull. Sull. Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan. We're gonna be on, Ed Sullivan.
- Doris McAfee, Kim McAfee: How could any family be, Half as fortunate as we.
- Harry McAfee, Doris McAfee, Kim McAfee, Randolph MacAfee: We'll be coast to coast, With out favorite host, Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan!
- Harry McAfee: [speaking] I've got a wonderful wife, two swell kids, a good business, and now this.
- Harry McAfee, Doris McAfee, Kim McAfee, Randolph MacAfee: [singing] Someday we'll recall, The greatest day of all!
- Harry McAfee: [speaking] Ed, I love you.
- Harry McAfee, Doris McAfee, Kim McAfee, Randolph MacAfee: [singing] Ed Sullivan!
- Ursula: Kim! Where is he? Can I see him?
- Kim McAfee: Conrad's asleep, poor dear. You may peek through his keyhole whi - while I discuss this tempest in a tea bag with Hugo.
- Kim McAfee: [singing] One boy, One certain boy, One boy to laugh with, To joke with, have Coke with...
- Hugo Peabody: [singing] One boy, One steady boy, One boy to be with, Forever and ever, One boy, That's the way it should be...
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