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Chapter 6

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“I knew that ‘The Adventures of Drummer Dog’ was popular, but not that popular,” Sam commented to me the next morning.  “I keep forgetting to ask the Drummer Dog Triplets why the show used half-naked animals.  Do you know?”

“That would be a question for them, not me,” I said.  “I do admit this; it was a bit awkward considering it combined live-action with CNG effect, but that was the decision made, and anybody who protested against it died on the spot because CNG saw all protests, regardless of reason, as disturbance of the peace.  If humans protested anything, they died.  If the animal kingdom was protesting, they knew what they were talking about.”

“So sad, that story.  I know the world is better off with humans and not without them.”

“It makes me glad Leo the Patriotic Lion is our President,” Chris added.  “I know some of his financial incentives motivate the humans of our nation to have as many kids as God commands them to have.  The new couple that moved in next door to me just last month has seven kids, and an eighth one on the way.”

“What’s the distribution?” Cripto asked.  “By that, I mean, ‘how many boys and how many girls?’”

“I think there were five boys and two girls.  This will be their third girl.”  (At this point, all five boys either had graduated or were in the middle of college; the oldest girl was a senior in high school, while the other girl was a junior.)

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I need to make a clarification for this next part of the list.  Though it still followed the pattern of majority musicians with the batch of superpowers musicians have, and following the CNG trend that there were more percussionists than those who played brass, woodwinds, or strings (or keyboard if you factor in synthesizers and digital pianos), some of the animals we were documenting were wearing what “Uniforms ‘R’ Us” defined as “patriotic drum major uniforms.”  The uniforms in this regard were all red, white, and blue, and were the exact same shades of those colors used on Old Glory.  (The uniform shop had to research the color code hex to be sure it was the correct shade.)

The uniforms didn’t always have the stars and stripes on them, but if they did, they were based on the typical clothes worn by Uncle Sam.  In some cases, the snare drums and/or bass drums were decorated with American flag decorations; if the animal played a marching snare drum of sorts, the decorations were on the sides of the drum.  If the animal played a bass drum, the drum was decorated with the letters “USA,” the flag, or one of the military branches and its matching logo, selected at random.

I’m not going to go into detail about all the uniforms, because it varied quite a bit.  All these animals, however, played all types of percussion instruments, and all of them made it easier for us by wearing the same type of hats: either it was an exact replica of Uncle Sam’s hat, or it was a shako patterned with the design of Uncle Sam’s hat.  The shakos did not have a plume.

Thus, when I say to you that an animal wore a patriotic drum major uniform, it meets this criteria.  Otherwise, the uniform was always a circus-style uniform unless we say otherwise.  A generic military-style uniform, therefore, and a patriotic drum major uniform, is not the same thing.

Some of the animals had previously been active military, but they decided they liked these patriotic-style uniforms better.

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109. The day began with four lions wearing these types of patriotic drum major uniforms.

110. We then had three tigers wearing the patriotic drum major uniforms; one of them ended up half-naked originally, again a result of his offspring enjoying “The Adventures of Drummer Dog.”

111. Four gray wolves dressed in patriotic drum major uniforms.

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Then we added some more new categories to the documentation lists we had not had yet: park rangers and forest rangers.  “Isn’t that synonymous?” one of the wolves in the patriotic drum major uniform he wore asked me.

“The job titles can be interchangeable,” I said.  “As far as I understand it, however, park ranger jobs are typically specific to national or state parks, while forest rangers can operate in a broader range of settings.  They might work in a remote setting for an agency that isn’t directly associated with the parks and forests.  So we are going to keep them separate categories here.”

“I see,” said the wolf.  “My late grandfather Eugene would have been a forest ranger by definition.  I might have considered that path, but CNG didn’t want that.”

“That’s what’s depressing about CNG and its aftermath,” the C.I.D.F. soldiers present replied.  “It chose what you did for a living, and you were stuck with it.  Being on that payroll system will easily help you pay the bills and taxes; trust us.”

Now we did also have some human guests visit Cripto’s basement for this process, and Cripto cleaned his carpets thoroughly so that their shoes wouldn’t ruin it as much if they had dirty shoes (although they made sure to be polite and wear clean shoes and clothes).  The animals, however, continued to pad (go barefoot).

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112. The next six lions in line were forest rangers, all wearing the appropriate hat and uniform.  They liked to begin each morning with the national anthem, listening to a recording of the song while facing an American flag and saluting it.

113. The seven lions following them were park rangers, also wearing the appropriate hat and uniform.  They also began each day with the national anthem.

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114. We then had more musical animals come in, as the next four lions were percussionists that wore blue and silver drum major uniforms (the highlights were silver).  One of them had ended up half-naked, but the television show didn’t have anything to do with it in his case.  “I also had digitrade feet when it did this to me,” he said.  “That must have been why I was half-naked.  Now I march on plantigrade paws.”

“I wish we knew why CNG did that; sorry,” we said.  “Our only guess was that it had something to do with wanting everything to be the same.”

“What a boring world that would be.  I don’t want another Kriegland.”

“If it makes you feel better, the Krieglandonians don’t want another Kriegland either.”  (Ask His Majesty, King Leo V, and he’d tell you the same thing.)

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115. Three lions wearing green drum major uniforms with gold highlights, although one of them ended up half-naked for the same reasons as the lion in blue before him; both ordered the correct pants to match.  The second lion wore green band shorts with the gold stripe, while the other lion wore white pants with a green stripe.

116. Three white lions in business suits and ties.  They had been the private instructors of the lions in uniform, and two of them were also percussionists with their local symphony orchestras.  The third white lion was a jazz musician, playing the electric and acoustic bass.  “Acoustic bass can be more fun when you pluck it,” he said, “but sometimes it is hard on the fingers.”

117. Two tigers in green drum major uniforms with gold highlights, one of which had been half-naked originally, but in his case, it was because his nephews watched the television show in question.  Both decided to go with the band shorts.

118. Two white tigers who wore business suits and ties, who added another new category to the documentation list: they were professional ballroom dancers (although they could also tap dance).  They were both good friends with the tigers in green.  “Do you like doing that?” Cripto asked.

“We do,” said the second white tiger.  “It burns a lot of calories, too.”

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119. Two rats (human-sized) wearing green drum major uniforms with gold highlights, although both of them ended up half-naked originally, with digitrade feet.  After the switch to plantigrade, the rats ordered the pants to match.  They were percussionists, of course.

120. Two more rat percussionists in green drum major uniforms, but they had silver highlights.  They also chose to wear black pants with silver stripes.

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I’ve been asked to point out that the numbered list we are presenting for you only applies to animals that were formerly humans in the United States.  The C.I.D.F. were doing the same thing in other countries, however; for example, up in Canada, the lists included five beavers, followed by four lions, all of whom were currently serving in the R.C.M.P. (Royal Canadian Mounted Police).  All of them agreed that Levi the Mountee Lion could have chosen a better way to handle things instead of having the outbursts he had, but would still have chosen him over anybody else any day of the week.

“That’s so appropriate that they are Mountees,” I said upon discovering this.  “The beaver is their national animal, just as the bald eagle is ours.”

When these specific nine individuals met Levi, he also apologized to them for making them look bad, as he put it.  “I don’t think you made us look bad,” said one of the beavers.  “Your level of expectations for the human race was just at a much higher level than the average Canadian citizen.”

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121. Eight lions in business suits and ties; they were wealthy philanthropists, some of whom had become friends with Dark Wolf’s famous rich cousin, Galaxy Wolf.  Only one of them was a musician, but he played the piano.

122. Eight tigers in business suits and ties who were friends with the lions.  Although the tigers were employed by fast food companies such as McDonald’s, they actually worked in the corporate offices (which is what the suits and ties represented).

123. Two lion percussionists in a white drum major uniform with silver highlights, although the pants had a blue stripe down the pant legs.

124. A tiger percussionist in a blue drum major uniform with gold highlights, although with black pants instead of blue.  He wore a peaked cap.

125. Two tiger percussionists in a green drum major uniform with gold highlights, although they had originally ended up half-naked.  They were brothers.

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This next one needs a tiny explanation.  Although the Golden Fife and Drum Corps officially consist of just the nine golden retrievers that were the Olson brothers (David, Dalton, Darcy, Dennis, Dwayne, Darius, Dean, Dawson, and Damian), there were many other golden retrievers that marched and wore blue uniforms with golden highlights, whether or not they played percussion instruments.  The next four dogs were such a case, and one could easily mistake them for one of the Olson brothers because it was the same style of blue uniform with gold highlights, and three of the four had a shako that was also very similar.  Because of this, the Olson brothers would meet them later on, since they had volunteered to march in the big parade Dark Wolf was planning.  (The corps occasionally did need extra help with some of their marching displays, so all the golden retrievers in question, not just the ones in blue, would help them with that.)

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126. The four dogs that make up number 126 on this list, therefore, were four golden retrievers that wore blue uniforms with gold highlights.  They were a father and three sons, however, and the youngest puppy had a peaked cap instead of a shako.  “That was a computer glitch,” the dad said, “but he didn’t care.  He was as happy as could be.”

All four were percussionists, and the father liked to take his three sons for nature walks, where, weather permitting, they would march in their uniforms and bang on their drums.

127. The next four dogs instead wore green drum major uniforms with gold highlights, but there were three adults and one son here, with the adults being brothers to one another.  The first dog had the green pants with gold stripes to match, while the second experimented with white pants and a green stripe, and the third experimented with black pants and a silver stripe.  The son wore blue pants with a gold stripe.  “I could not decide whether I liked green or blue better,” he said, “so I wanted to find a way to do both.”

128. Four more golden retrievers in green military-style drum major uniforms, each with a peaked cap.  They were brothers to one another.

129. Three golden retrievers in blue military-style drum major uniforms.  One had a shako with a golden plume, while the other two wore the peaked cap.  They were also brothers to one another.  (“We’re really going by the family plan here,” Cripto commented.)

130. Four tigers in blue military style drum major uniforms, modified so that the jacket went over a white or light blue dress shirt with a black tie.  The fourth one had been an Army percussionist in the past.

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131. Four Siberian huskies in casual t-shirts and blue jeans.  They all worked in retail.

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We then started to get some more attendees who had gone to the circus-themed convention Rolf the Wolf wished he had known about, and were planning to go to the one in Wildcat City that would have him and the other former performs of COTS (Circus of the Superstars) as honored guests.  While the convention had people dressed as performers of all types, the majority of the ones that had been human, but turned into an animal, were either the musicians, or were dressed as ringmasters.

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132. The first three gray wolves were all dressed as ringmasters, complete with the top hat.

133. Three brown bear percussionists followed, all wearing the same style drum major uniform as COTS: orange jacket with gold highlights, and black pants with a gold stripe.  “You can’t have a circus without drums,” they said.

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134. A cougar wearing a red drum major uniform with silver highlights; he had also ended up half-naked.  He wore the red pants to match.

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135. Four cougars dressed as ringmasters for the convention, the first of which was female.

136. A coyote dressed as a ringmaster, but he customized the uniform to base it off Uncle Sam’s design.

137. A tiger dressed as a ringmaster; he was the first ringmaster that ended up half-naked as a result.

138. A cougar accompanying this tiger wore a red drum major uniform with black pants and gold highlights, and the shako was black with a red plume.  He was a percussionist.

138. Another tiger dressed as a ringmaster followed, but he had the full outfit, even though he was barefoot.  He also tried a combination of red, white, and blue for his outfit.

139. The cougar accompanying this tiger wore the same style uniform as the previous cougar, but with navy blue pants instead of black.  He was a percussionist.

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We’ll pause here for a break.  Are you getting bored and going to sleep yet?  I am sorry, but these lists always take too long.  However, the world said that the C.I.D.F. was doing them a service by presenting these lists.  Moreover, as with the previous two waves, all these animals would take the oath I would have them take, so that they would serve as allies to the G-52s.  Some of the rats mentioned above would also take the Oath of the Drumbums, but the Snare Soldier would conduct that oath.

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TO BE CONTINUED