1. Much better setup and description. I've got a good visual and a brief sense of what is normal. The only weakness now is that the arrival of the dangerous fellow as a prelude to death still feels predictable.

2. This one is fantastic compared to the original. Her anger is anchored in a realistic scenario toward a person we now know is her cheating husband. You still manage to hint that normally she is well behaved, but thankfully without all the boring details. That ending alluding to something far worse than simply being late is just the kind of thing I want as a reader.

3. Description here definitely improved to fit the nasty horror-ness expected, and I reckon there is a slightly better motivation of urgency to prevent more deaths. The cynic in my mind tells me Max's almost certain death will not stop the problem though, and his selflessness at this point is unrealistic without a better motive.

4. While from a technical standpoint this rewrite does better fit the hook structure, I'm still left with mostly teenage angst and only a brief glimmer of interest. Same problem as before. Her just being there isn't enough to draw me in. Unless you give me specifics of why she caught his attention, why she is different, I am left to eyeroll and assume it's just another typical teen romance like any other.

5. Pretty much the same as before with improvements to the descriptions in a manner befitting the character's viewpoint. The foot slip at the end fits better with his "the universe is against me" mentality, but now it clashes with a "I'm just a screw up" mindset. I'd much rather play into the commitment to classic parts, a kind of devotion to purity if you will, even if it turns out to be his downfall in the moment, rather than "oh well I was just wrong and now I give up." If this is a breaking point it will be more powerful. If this is him just nursing a bad attitude every time something goes wrong, that's not a character I want to ride with.

Best advice I can offer: make me care!
#2 did that the most this round.

Good points for all of them.

I can rework #5 so it's more of "me vs universe", traditionally I'd go into details in the next paragraph explaining why he needs the 30k, what he's hoping to accomplish, etc...

I improved! Yay!

Thank you for helping.

Thank you!

That bit about the pool of water is a really good idea. I'm snagging that and shoving it in my tool kit