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I do like to be serious every now and then, so here is just a few recent headlines from the daily news, highlighting the important events that shape our world.
*****
And now for today's headlines...
Tensions mount between the U.S. and China after the recent ecomonic summit where President Barack Obama accused Beijing's minister of finance of putting pee-pee in his coke.
Man sues small business owner for not having a poorly-maintained sidewalk he could trip on and file a lawsuit over.
Sarah Palin vows to take healthcare away from all Americans; receives overwhelming praise from conservative voters.
Local mother protects her children from online pornography by sealing them in airtight plastic tubes.
Man accused of jaywalking pleads insanity.
Local teen astonished that her chastity ring did not prevent her from having sex and becoming pregnant.
Oklahoma man recieves death penalty; requests roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
High school football star kills thousands in hospital bombing; coach requests probation so he can still play in tomorrow's big game.
Sarah Palin unveils her plan to begin the fourth Reich and exterminate all Jews; receives overwhelming praise from conservative voters.
The entire nation of Peru turned orange for 45 seconds last thursday.
TSA announces new plan to keep airline flights safe from terrorists by not letting pasengers get on them.
Scientists baffled by the fact that William Shatner isn't dead yet.
10-year Cambridge study on human sexuality proves conclusively that you're a faggot.
Firefighters hailed as heroes after refusing to save Ryan Seacrest from a burning building.
Trix rabbit finally eats bowl of Trix cereal; dies of rectal hemmorhaging immediately.
Local man claims that ingesting his semen can cure breast cancer.
Alabama pastor blames violent video games for the crucifixion of Jesus.
Anthropologists study lost tribe of pygmies found in Barbara Streisand's nose.
Sarah Palin visits a young girl dying of leukemia, snatches her puppy, and skins it alive in front of the child's horrified eyes; receives overwhelming praise from conservative voters.
Plus, later tonight we'll interview a prominent politician who will answer our questions with blatant, patronizing lies, and we will demonstrate our journalistic integrity by not calling him out on any of them.
Goodnight folks! Keep tuning in and we'll keep inventing ridiculous things for you to be afraid of!
*****
And now for today's headlines...
Tensions mount between the U.S. and China after the recent ecomonic summit where President Barack Obama accused Beijing's minister of finance of putting pee-pee in his coke.
Man sues small business owner for not having a poorly-maintained sidewalk he could trip on and file a lawsuit over.
Sarah Palin vows to take healthcare away from all Americans; receives overwhelming praise from conservative voters.
Local mother protects her children from online pornography by sealing them in airtight plastic tubes.
Man accused of jaywalking pleads insanity.
Local teen astonished that her chastity ring did not prevent her from having sex and becoming pregnant.
Oklahoma man recieves death penalty; requests roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
High school football star kills thousands in hospital bombing; coach requests probation so he can still play in tomorrow's big game.
Sarah Palin unveils her plan to begin the fourth Reich and exterminate all Jews; receives overwhelming praise from conservative voters.
The entire nation of Peru turned orange for 45 seconds last thursday.
TSA announces new plan to keep airline flights safe from terrorists by not letting pasengers get on them.
Scientists baffled by the fact that William Shatner isn't dead yet.
10-year Cambridge study on human sexuality proves conclusively that you're a faggot.
Firefighters hailed as heroes after refusing to save Ryan Seacrest from a burning building.
Trix rabbit finally eats bowl of Trix cereal; dies of rectal hemmorhaging immediately.
Local man claims that ingesting his semen can cure breast cancer.
Alabama pastor blames violent video games for the crucifixion of Jesus.
Anthropologists study lost tribe of pygmies found in Barbara Streisand's nose.
Sarah Palin visits a young girl dying of leukemia, snatches her puppy, and skins it alive in front of the child's horrified eyes; receives overwhelming praise from conservative voters.
Plus, later tonight we'll interview a prominent politician who will answer our questions with blatant, patronizing lies, and we will demonstrate our journalistic integrity by not calling him out on any of them.
Goodnight folks! Keep tuning in and we'll keep inventing ridiculous things for you to be afraid of!
Category Music / Miscellaneous
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 2 MB
Damnit I wish I was still doing Internet radio so I could play this in-between song requests.
Not all that far off, from the crap the mass media attempts to feed us.
I watch the news every day.
Hence, I hate the news. Every day. ;)
Hence, I hate the news. Every day. ;)
>TSA announces new plan to keep airline flights safe from terrorists by not letting pasengers get on them.
I lost the game. I lost the game HARD!
I lost the game. I lost the game HARD!
Almost every one of these I found myself saying, "Yeah, no shit." Like, as silly as they are, I could seriously see headlines like these actually entering a newspaper or TV program.
Actually, even that one I could see, given that you said "last Thursday," as if it was old news they were just now touching on.
Haha, these are both funny and sad ^^.
Funny because they're ridiculous. Sad because they're not impossible or even improbable.
Funny because they're ridiculous. Sad because they're not impossible or even improbable.
Unlikely isn't even a stretch of the imagination, and that's scary.
In other news, I realized what an oxymoron it is to say "conservative thinkers"
Actually, that's pretty fair. Conservatives do seem to believe things based on who said them, rather than evaluating them with critical thinking.
In-joke from last time: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1255848/
>> TSA announces new plan to keep airline flights safe from terrorists by not letting pasengers get on them.
Take Subtle Revenge...
Take Subtle Revenge...
I'm already taking my revenge by exclusively giving my money to Amtrak.
Might I direct your attention to 3:26 onwards in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFelEa8wAIk for a sudden sense of irony.
Walter goes through the x-ray scanners as the carry-on luggage. Now everyone who opts out of being felt up by a TSA agent goes through the full body scanners.
Everyone who travels frequently will have cancer TONIGHT!
Everyone who travels frequently will have cancer TONIGHT!
Alex Reynard in his story about a trash collector and his trashzombie wards, had him opt for a train trip rather than airplane trip
This is not working right.
This is not working right.
Yeah, back in the 70's my folks and I planned to fly to Seattle,Wash., to take in the sights. A few days before our Amtrak to Seattle. The trip took 3 days and we saw America !
Circumstances prevented us from ever flying again. We took bus trips, drove to places and such.
Circumstances prevented us from ever flying again. We took bus trips, drove to places and such.
The program dropped out part of my reply. I SAID a few days before our schelduled airplane trip on a DC-10, one crashed with the usual total loss of light. My folks cancelled the plane trip and,instead, booked a trip by Amtrak !
I also forgot to say that the train trip included a switch over at Chcago.
Oh! Remember that big news faux pas where Sarah Palin did an interview at a slaughterhouse with turkeys being graphically slaughtered in a device reminiscent of a wood chipper in the background behind her?
Your comments reminded me of that. Actually, didn't she finally get the hell out of politics and go back to being a soccer mom?
Your comments reminded me of that. Actually, didn't she finally get the hell out of politics and go back to being a soccer mom?
0.0 I did not see that.
>Actually, didn't she finally get the hell out of politics and go back to being a soccer mom?
Not on your life. This woman has a hard-on for political power the size of the CN tower.
>Actually, didn't she finally get the hell out of politics and go back to being a soccer mom?
Not on your life. This woman has a hard-on for political power the size of the CN tower.
Thank you alex in the last few minuts i've ben riddled to crying (local drama) sent nere insain (local drama) driven creazy (local drama) split my door in two (godam local drama and a stuck door knob wich set of most of local drama) and you bought a smile to my face and a quick gafaw.
you just re tied a few of the remaining stings of my sanaty back together.
you just re tied a few of the remaining stings of my sanaty back together.
<almost cries>
You're welcome, and thank you too. I can't tell you how good it feels to know I can have that effect on people.
I hope things turn out better for you. :)
You're welcome, and thank you too. I can't tell you how good it feels to know I can have that effect on people.
I hope things turn out better for you. :)
strings it's strings you blasted thing........... not stings....... godam keyboards missing letters again wheres my sledge hammer.
"The entire nation of Peru turned orange for 45 seconds last thursday."
For some reason I laughed so hard at this one.
For some reason I laughed so hard at this one.
I rather like it when I come up with something that I don't know why it's funny, it just is. :)
As others have said before this, I can totally see some of this as 'honest' reporting, in actual newspapers. I'd worry about that more, if I didn't already have a very low opinion on the public in general. The Palin ones in particular, I swear, that woman(and I use the term loosely) could probably murder someone On Camera and it would just be shrugged off as something put together by the 'corrupt liberals' to smear her good name.
Mind, any newspaper that actually Did have some of these as the headlines would probably be one I'd buy, as these headlines at least seem to be more little honest than the usual.
Mind, any newspaper that actually Did have some of these as the headlines would probably be one I'd buy, as these headlines at least seem to be more little honest than the usual.
>The Palin ones in particular, I swear, that woman(and I use the term loosely) could probably murder someone On Camera and it would just be shrugged off as something put together by the 'corrupt liberals' to smear her good name.
Well, Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face, blamed him for it, and got away with it.
Well, Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face, blamed him for it, and got away with it.
I'd actually heard a bit about that, but blamed the other guy?! How does that even work? 'Well it's your fault, you should have realized I had a gun and started running the other way!', or something like that?
It was something like, 'He got in the way of my shot'. I always got the impression he threatened to have the guy deported to Iran or something.
Oh the gross stupidity... either someone was stupid enough to walk in front of a loaded gun someone was aiming, he was too stupid to notice said person, or a delightful mixture of the two...
It's almost funny when you think of it, suppose the 'not funny' part was how he got away with such gross negligence involving a gun.
It's almost funny when you think of it, suppose the 'not funny' part was how he got away with such gross negligence involving a gun.
Poor Trix Bunny. I shall eat a bowl of Count Chocula in his honor.
Is it possible to 'eat' Count Chocula? I thought something had to be digistible for that to occur. ;)
Well i never said it would be easy. Think of it as the "Passion of the Cereal" (only directed by Cap'n Crunch instead of Mel Gibson). We all must suffer for our breakfast.
Oh... that Peru one was my fault. I was helping the boss test a new jaundice ray, and my aim was a little off...
I don't really have any visuals to go with them though. :/
you forgot to include "Cub porn banned. Dumbshits appear out of nowhere and spout nonsense."
LOL! Well, I thought it'd be nice to get away from that for a bit and just do the funny comedy ha-has.
The fact that people routinely mistake The Onion for real news, I think proves that any of these could be given as real headlines and people would believe them.
And humans are supposed to be at the current height of evolution?
Nah, we just love to think we are. Crocodiles pretty much are though. When you've remained unchanged for millions of years, you can be pretty sure you've reached perfection.
Hmm, armored skin, sensory pores, powerful tail, crushing jaws, heightened bacterial immunity... Now why is it WE can't get any of the fun bits?
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