It has been done and done well. A good story from start to beginning sticking to its lore while a good ending.


Always there is some small edits and some () that should be italics or just removed.

Now, as the blood began to flow (without pain, she noticed absently), it flowed across the flat of the honed blade and into the warrior's open mouth.
Just goofey sentence. The () can be made a part of the text naturally and thus is unneeded. You have flow back to back as redundancy with a temporal transition. The first parts of the sentence deleted. The Parthenos’s made into a natural occurring sentence or mixed with the first and the final part made its own.

with hers in the blankets as Sa'fra offered them both hot tea. Saw the glowing/glittering/bloody edges of the Axe of Motaba-ri hanging (no... that's not right) on the wall of her room (it doesn't belong there)...
A mess of stuff again. “glowing/glittering/bloody edges” It is a list of multiple adjectives so the comma to make the list. Glowing ,glittering, bloody edges
(no... that's not right) (it doesn't belong there)... Parenthesis are not for doing thoughts. Italics is how you do thought like these. Parenthesis are for doing parts of a sentence not part of the sentence like as aside idea. They are mostly used in nonfiction and can really interrupt flow and serve less purpose in fiction.

Each was drenched in the blood of his Mane, roaring his defiance at the Dro'm-Athra at howled its rage from the other blade. <- sentence is missing something and currently makes no sense
“Dawnstar...” she told herself. Simply missing your quotations

hot/cold (back to back adjective of equal weight thus comma , and it was not no comma but that is pretty rare. Point being no /))
blue/black (back to back adjective of equal weight thus comma , and it was not no comma but that is pretty rare. Point being no /)

“They left the amulet where it lay and rushed out of the hallway, across the land bridge and back to the cave entrance, to step out past the waterfall and gaze up the cliff face above, to where a single tall tower of ancient make stood high above the cave entrance, its top lost in the clouds, thousands of feet above.” SENTENCE ERROR too many clause issues. Break it down into short controlled bursts.

As her lover and friend faded into an amber haze surrounding a tunnel of clear vision, their voices echoing as if through time and space, she saw and heard the figures of that Anequina courtyard surrounded with flowers and the rush of water from the fall just the other side of the walls that surrounded them. ~ Audience knows she is in a haze due to the earlier sentence. So simply surrounding the tunnel tunnel.
“A part of her recognized the noise as that of the falls that hid Reachwater Rock from vision,” a redundancy due to the falls being described up above, so needs reworked as it is an issue between what audience knows and character is experiencing. One of the two has to go. First is clear description. The second is character driven. If it was me I would be ditching the first one, but there is no right wrong answer here.


Still, a testment of where you have come and the abilities of you now as a writer and story teller.

Thank you and updated! ^_^

.rtfs do not oversave on FA. So, it did not update. I too learned this the hard way.

Switched it to PDF

You may have to redo things. For example: (no... that's not right) on the wall of her room (it doesn't belong
there)... is still there.